Wednesday, June 1, 2016

I'm Not Fat Anymore

I am not fat anymore.  I am also not thin, but I am not fat.  This has been a pretty big mind adjustment.. still.  I am somewhere around 137 now and 7 ish pounds from my wedding goal.  I have more or less taken a break from "working hard at losing" and am more simply maintaining.  For me, it has always been about getting my head in the game and keeping momentum.  Once I am "there," I do well staying there, but once I step off the path, it is really hard to get back on.

I bought new clothes at Ross.. for the most part, a new wardrobe. I have new skirts, dresses, jeans, pajamas... I have clothes to wear that aren't hanging off me.  My size 10 jeans.. really pretty jeans.. are on the borderline of being slightly too big.  Yesterday, I wore a size 8 suit that I haven't worn since at least 2008 and maybe before that.  I removed about half or more of my clothing out of my closet for donation.

More strikingly than having lost this weight is my acceptance level of my current body.  This is not my ultimate goal and I have not been in the gym making things firm and fit... but I feel happy about where I am at and very accepting.  This is a new experience for me and possibly resulting from being so very overweight (for me) for close to a decade.  I do look forward to the next phase, but that hasn't negated my gratitude and acceptance for where I am at currently.

The biggest things that have changed in my life in the past five months since I embarked on this journey are that I can move again without a ton of exhaustion and fatigue.  It's amazing what almost 30 pounds off an under 5' body feels like.  I can put on clothes and feel OK about how they feel and look without the constant need to hide and cover. I am even OK with not having that look perfect.  And the stigma of being seen as a fat older chick is mostly lifted.  Movement, Acceptance, Relief.  That is how I would characterize where I am at right now.

My wedding is in under 50 days.  I can reasonably lose another 7 pounds if I make that my priority.  I'd still like to, mostly because I would like to say that reaching my goal was a priority and that I did it  (moreso than the actual number on the scale).  I am OK if I don't get there.  I think this has been successful either way.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Retiring Fat Clothes

It's really interesting.  Yesterday, I wore one of my wardrobe staples to work.  A narrow floor length skirt with a flowy short sleeve black top.  I wore that outfit once a week forever.  At dance class last night during warm up (in front of a mirror), I noticed how awful it looked.  I looked big and sack-ish.  When I went home to change into comfies, I saw in the mirror that this shirt, that has been one of my happy mainstays for a really long time, is something I am going to have to retire now.  It was bittersweet!!!!  I love this top. But it looks awful now because it is huge and baggy and it is NOT flattering.

My pile of clothes that are being retired is getting bigger.  It's an enigma.  I have a whole section of clothes I have not worn often because "It will look better if I'm a little smaller," but when i get smaller, they don't look good because they are too big on me and look like they are a size too big.  There has been great safety and comfort in my too-big clothes;  they were easy to hide in.  I am a little afraid to get rid of them.

I am not complaining.. it's just an interesting phenomenon.  Thankfully, I have a whole bunch of clothes from before I gained this recent past 7 years or so weight.. but they probably are no longer in style or really MY style anymore.  I guess we will see.  I am in my size 10 jeans which has been my gateway size between fat and not fat.  I am not going to see any loss for probably another week due to cycle, but the next chunk of loss is going to be a really big deal to me.  Last time I weighed and checked in my progress, I was just a little over 145 bringing me JUST BELOW a twenty pound loss.  But even moreso, I am getting closer to breaking out of the 140s.  Since 130 is my wedding goal, I can see a finish line in the distance.  The finish line of my weight loss 10K compared to the finish line of a weight loss marathon.

And to recap, I have lost 19.3 pounds in 74 days or 2 1/2 months or under two pounds a week. This is not rapid weight loss even though I am eating a very low calorie diet.  If I were eating at what I used to think was my TDEE -20% I would STILL not be losing any weight.  Right now, I am going with my gut on this, although I am not sure I think this is sustainable long term.

I am used to my calorie level and the amount of food I have grown used to eating. Most of the time, I don't feel 'dying of  hunger' although there are times I really really really want something different or a dessert. That said, last night, I had a compromise dinner.  Had a dinner meeting at a deli we really like and I chose a pastrami sandwich (the lesser fatty of the choices) on lettuce instead of the gluten free bun and a small side of very mayonaise-y cole slaw (I only ate half and i tried not to eat the goopy mayo sauce) and i ended up having very sharp pains in.. I am not sure what organ it is.. I am thinking my gall bladder.. that have not fully gone away.  Maybe eating something fatty after eating mostly lean proteins?  I am not sure.  I am a little concerned, but I will see how this goes.

Anyhow, postscipt:  I am going to need to buy some transitional clothes soon.  I might make a trip to a thrift store this weekend and go hunting.  It will be interesting to see how many wrong sizes I bring into the changing room before I figure out where I really am now.  My mind takes a while to catch up to the loss..

Monday, March 14, 2016

Slow Loss is Still Loss. Again.

Written 3-10-16

I don't know why my loss has slowed down so much.  It hardly seems scientifically possible, but here I am again. But the one thing I have learned over and over again (as i read back in this blog and recall my many years at MyFitnessPal) is that this is not the time to quit in righteous indignation.

It feels frustrating to fall from a 2# a week loss to less than 1#, (but not even consistently).  But over time, that 1# or so a week will add up compared to just stopping now in frustration.  I have 18 weeks until the day of my wedding.  If i lose 1# a week until then, I will be just below my (wedding) goal.  My plan was to get there by the end of April so that I'd have less pressure on me for the last two and half months, but I cannot control what I cannot control.

The truth is that, even though this is not where I would like to be right now, the progress I have made so far is monumental compared to where I have been.  I went from fat to overweight more or less.  At least in my personal definition which can be explained by:  Fat = only wearing clothes that completely hide all of my body.  Never wearing anything that shows my waist at all.  Overweight = Will occasionally wear something tucked in (but with a really wide decorative belt) and will wear shape fitting clothing that are flattering.  Still not happy with how I look, but so much happier than I was before.

I can probably start looking for a dress knowing it likely won't fit in four months and will need some alterations.  I think I will wait one more month though.

What I have changed:  I am not sticking closely to the PSMF. With that plan, I am supposed to be basically only eating my calories in the minimum level of protein grams to maintain my lean mass and no more.  I am also allowed "calorie free"vegetables and non carb non calorie condiments.  (All veggies have calories, so that is sort of silly, but I eat veggies to satiation and I love them anyhow).  What I AM eating is... trying to hit my protein macros (not always lean protein), (but need to reevaluate what that is now) and other things to go along with it, but trying to keep calories under a certain number.  When I eat about 200 calories under what I am now, I see more loss.  When I drink water consistently (at least 80 ounces a day), I see more loss.

I am also more active than I was.  I am not sure how calorically valuable the activity is, but I do know that being more active makes me feel better physically and mentally and that is valuable to me.  We are taking two types of dance classes each week for an hour each time. One of the classes isn't very exercisey, but there is a live dance afterwards which is. The second class is a lot more cardio-ish.  I don't believe cardio is valuable for weight loss or body re-composition, but it helps my mental health and general well-being.   Lately, I have done some workout on my Fridays that I work at home.  That has involved some weights and sometimes going on the treadmill on a steep incline but walking a normal pace (2.7-3.2 mph which is up to a brisk pace for me at my  height.  anything over 3.5 mph is almost running for me).

I know that i need to up my game weights wise and the frantic busy pace of our lives has precluded that.  I can make some decent body changes in 4 months if I am really focused on that.

So to date, I have lost 17.5 pounds since New Years, and to me that is a really decent change.  I am 2.5 pounds away from a 20# loss which will feel really rewarding.

The other thing I am working on is doing things to hopefully combat PCOS.  I bought both kinds of cinnamon and some gelatin capsules. Right now, I am taking the spendy Ceylon variety which is less toxic to the liver, but might not be as effective as the Cassia variety that is more toxic, but produces better results in clinical trials regarding blood sugar and insulin sensitivity.  I might toggle back and forth between them... I am currently TRYING to take about 1.5 mg per meal (twice a day).  I am also taking rhodiola in tincture form...trying to take it twice a day also.  I often forget to bring them with me though, so i am not as consistent as I could be.  I have not started investigating taking Metformin.  I have read about mixed results from that.  It might be worth a try.

(I didn't realized I hadn't posted this)


Wednesday, March 2, 2016

I am a Special Snowflake

I will beat this.  

I have spent the last two days reading other people's testimonies, stories, successes and failures surrounding PCOS and weight loss and, if absolutely nothing else, I feel so incredibly validated finally.

I cannot tell you the level of guilt and shame I have felt over the last 8 years or so (but really... going back to after my 16 year old was born..) trying to work on my weight and seeing little to no results no matter what I did.  You just know that people are sort of scrutinizing you in disbelief.  You are not REALLY weighing or measuring your food.  You are not accurately logging.  "OK, special snowflake, science and the law of physics don't apply to you."  I realize that not everyone that struggles with weight loss with PCOS is actually eating at a deficit and accurately measuring their food, but I was (most of the time).  I have told people for years that moderation does not work for me.  The only way I am able to lose weight is by drastic means.  Now I can finally get validation that it is true.  I am not crazy.  I am not being dishonest logging.  I am not underestimating my caloric intake (most of the time, but come on.. I'm human).  I am not lazy.

My next step, aside from staying on the path I am currently on, is trying additional things that might help with the PCOS symptoms (such as insulin resistance).  Many women with PCOS take Metformin and some of those women experience immediate stasis and lose a lot of weight right away, and some of those women had zero results.  Most had bad side effects.  I would rather not take Metformin, but I am willing to consider it for the short term,.

Ceylon Cinnamon is supposed to help with insulin sensitivity.  I have it in essential oil form and I also plan to buy some (ground) at the natural market to take in gel caps.  I am amassing a list of supplements that are supposed to help with PCOS (Chromium, Rhodiola, Holy Basil, Saw Palmetto)... not sure which of those I will try.

I will not quit.  I have hit the 15# loss mark and I am going to keep going.  Eventually, I will be willing to take a slower approach as long as I see consistent progress, but for now, I am still staying on the same path trying to get to my pre-wedding goal of 130# / 20 more pounds lost.  It is not an outlandish unreachable goal.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Science.

2-25-16  I haven't seen any movement on the scale for a week and a half.  Ok well that isn't totally true.  I showed a gain.  I have seen some of that gain diminish, but it hasn't gone back to what I was showing a week and a half ago.  At eating very very low calories with a few days of going higher (but still significantly under maintenance calories. By several hundred calories, even).  The body fat reading on my scale is showing a loss though, although I have no idea how much stock to put into that unless it consistently shows the loss.  My hydration reading is up. Same concept.

I feel very different.  I feel like I look very different.. but my progress pictures are subtle at best.

Still, I cling to the concept of science.  

Except for the whole PCOS thing.  I have sort of ignored this part of my health since it was mentioned to me in passing maybe 23 years ago with absolutely no instruction how to manage it, so I sort of dismissed it (after all, I somehow managed to get pregnant and have three children without medical intervention).  Now that I am reading about it, I see that my issues are sadly common... working really hard and seeing nearly no progress.  Having "Calories in/Calories out" really not add up to expected weight loss, having my TDEE* not match up to what the charts say it is supposed to be. Working super hard and ping ponging back and forth the same old 5 pounds with no real success.
(TDEE = Total Daily Energy Expenditure. This is your basal metabolic rate, for the most part, with your activity level factored in.  When you are tracking by your TDEE, you typically do not "eat back" your exercise calories as those are more or less already factored into your allowance.)

2-29-16  I am taking a LEAP of faith (see what I did there?  It's leap day.) that if I stay on this path, I will indeed see the changes I am working so hard for.  On Saturday, I had an "eff it" day and ate whatever I wanted including sugar, high salt, and custard.,  I still stayed under 1500 calories  so it wasn't like I binged, but it was very different than I'd been eating.  Woke up the next day and showed a 2 pound loss on the scale. WHATEVER.  Ate high carb/high salt yesterday simply because it was what had been prepared for everyone else and I didn't have the time to cook for myself.  Showed  a one pound gain from my lowest weight 2 weeks ago or so.

I am just not willing to give myself over to the panic "Oh no!  i can eat starvation level calories and still gain weight because of my effing warped health."  There HAS to be a way around it and I refuse to give in.  I insist that I will lose another 20 pounds before my wedding no matter what I have to do.  I am just not giving in.

I seem to do better weight loss wise when I drink a lot of water.  I don't think there is anything magical about water drinking aside from the fact I think I eat more salt than I should. some of my recent common food choices are high in sodium, and I retain fluid easily.  I simply think the water dilutes the salt and allows my body not to retain a ton of fluids.

Last Tuesday, we went to lift at the gym and I started the 5 x 5 program, but I don't think I read about it adequately. I just saw "Do these three exercises at these weights and reps" and did no warm up lifts and I pretty much killed my legs.  I hadn't done squats in pretty much years and I jumped right in with weighted squats.  I couldn't walk for days.  Like.. needed pain killers, couldn't walk.  Lesson learned because I could not go back to the gym on schedule.  I was in terrible pain.  Reset.

I read that people with PCOS tend to "need" far fewer calories than typical people.  By "need" I mean "won't burn off as many calories by simply existing".. so if a typical person my age/height/weight might have a TDEE of 1800 calories, mine might be 1200.  Which means that in order to lose weight, I have to eat less than that.  And I also read that if you have Insulin Resistance on top of the PCOS, it might be even lower.  So this means when I eat at an anorexic level of calories and people freak out and unfriend me on My  Fitness Pal, I am still only losing (at best) 2 pounds a week at very very low calories.  Don't hate on me.  I'd love to eat 1800 calories and still lose weight.  It isn't happening for me and I've been trying for a very long time.  When I say I only lose when I do drastic, just believe me, ok?  You can trust that I love food and I'd really like to be eating more of it.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

It's Never Too Late.. And I Never Gave Up

Even though I abandoned this blog sometime ago, I have continued to log almost daily on MyFitnesspal.com the entire time (minus a few off periods of a few months, once up to 6 months). I have tried many different things. I learned (from very dogmatic adherents) that a moderate calorie cut was best (no more than 20% from your Total Daily Energy Expenditure) and that I should eat 'sufficient calories' and 'adequate protein'. I became proficient weighing and measuring everything and begin strength training three times a week. At best, I got to the point where I was losing 1/2 pound a week but not consistently. I blamed myself. I must be underestimating portions. I must be doing something wrong. I must have forgotten to log something I ate. I would like to say that, while all of the time I've been on MyFitnessPal my efforts were not perfect, I have been trying for years in a moderate fashion and,aside from passing back and forth the same 5-7 pounds, I got nowhere. I had many "friends" on MFP that would have unfriended me had I dropped my calories below a certain point.

I am sort of finished justifying things, apologizing, giving data to support my perspective, etc. I am doing a plan that, so far is consistently working, and I am going to do it until I hit a pre-determined weight (or date whichever comes first) and then I am going to back off some and go to a more moderate approach.

I am really tired of being fat.

A few years ago, I googled "how to lose 20 pounds fast" (or some such thing) and came across Lyle McDonald and his book on a very low calorie diet (VLCD) referred to as a Protein Sparing Modified Fast (PSMF) . In this book, he repeatedly mentions that this is not in any way the ideal way to lose weight, but that he know people are going to crash diet anyhow and, if you are going to do that, this is the scientifically best way to do that without losing your lean body mass and your health. Challenge accepted. I did a very modified version of that diet back in 2009 and (I didn't have a scale at that time), I dropped at least one clothing size and looked good in a short period of time. I didn't maintain the general principles and, of course, I gained the weight back.

I am getting married this summer. I have been forlorn with the fact that I have been utterly unsuccessful in losing the weight I hoped to before my wedding, so I revisited the PSMF. I'd say that I am still more or less doing a modified version of it (mostly because I am doing it longer than a few weeks and I need to keep myself interested and engaged), but the results, finally, have been encouraging.

The plan, in a nutshell, puts you into a fast, eating only as much protein as will maintain your lean body mass during your loss. The idea is that, unless you eat adequate protein, when you lose weight, some of it will be fat, some will be water, and some will be lean tissue. This method aims to keep (as much of)your muscle (as you can) while you lose weight. There are calculations to determine how many grams of protein a person needs to eat in a day based on things like age, weight, and body fat percentage. So you are more eating your protein grams than eating calories. In its purest form, people on this plan only eat lean protein and non starchy vegetables and some fat free dairy. And it isn't very many calories.

Most people on this diet lose a lot of weight fast. I have been losing an average of 2 pounds a week at almost a 1,000 calorie a day deficit. Two pounds a week falls within the supposed "healthy range" of weight loss even if the number of calories I am eating does not which is confusing to me and says a lot. I am going to go out on a limb and say that maybe my TDEE is much much lower than the average person and I am not supposed to be eating 1500 calories a day of "adequate calories at a moderate cut." Or maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't know. I just don't like failing when I try so very hard. So this is what I am doing.

I decided to revive this blog because I wanted a place where I could document what I am doing and how it is going and it seemed silly to start a brand new blog. Anyone who is reading a weight loss blog probably has been down this same road. Started, SO EXCITED!, Doing ok! Doing less OK! Fades off, gains weight back, slinks back in with shame. Starts over.

I started a Very Low Calorie Diet on December 30th and I started the PSMF on January 6th. To date, I have lost about 11 1/2 pounds. I am taking progress pictures regularly both clothed and in a "bikini." The first set of comparison pictures was spectacular. I was blown away with the drastic change. Since then, the changes are more subtle. I am sure if I take a picture at the 2 month mark and compare it, it will again be dramatic.

The lesson I learned from re-reading my entire blog was that I give up and quit too early every single time. Seriously EVERY SINGLE TIME. I get angry, impatient, resentful, and full of self pity if I don't see consistent results that I feel are in line with the amount of effort I am putting in. So my justification is, "If i am working this hard with nearly zero results, why am I doing this? Why not just eat what I want to?" No. Not quitting. I am staying with this at least until the end of April or when I hit 130 pounds which is at the very maximum I am supposed to be for a healthy weight (101-131).

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

No Room For Shame

I rediscovered this blog when old posts have started popping up on the "Memory" feature on Facebook. I re-read this entire blog in one sitting and had very strong feelings resulting from that.

I came away with a combination of embarrassment, regret, and all sorts of other things. When I first started this blog, I was SO HYPED UP to FINALLY succeed and, once and for all, get all of this (then) fairly recent large weight gain OFF FOR GOOD. And I followed my path of abandoning it during a very difficult time, restarting it many times but never quite catching the fever I had at the beginning. And that was five years ago. FIVE.

I spent some time ruminating over all of this trying to determine what i could glean from this whole experience. I think that the overwhelming lesson I learned by reading and looking back on all the other times I have come back to this over and over again since then is I JUST CANNOT QUIT. The recurring theme was I would work super hard, put 100% effort into it (more or less), expect gargantuan results because of the sort of results I witnessed other people having, getting very much less than gargantuan results, getting discouraged, angry, and resentful, and fading off. If I had kept on back then, if I had only lost 1 pound a month, I would be 60 pounds less right now. Or so. And I read myself saying things like that when I picked it back up again and started over. Again. And again. And again.

I have had several other "I am really serious now, guys!" moments since I stopped writing in this blog. I had considered reviving this, but I had been embarrassed by the methods and "bro science" ideology I embraced and I didn't want other people to read that. But I am back. Again. And I am doing things every bit as drastic as I did in the beginning five years ago. Maybe even more so. This time, I am more or less emulating a science based plan written by Lyle MacDonald that isn't meant to be long term. I will go into what I am doing, why and how, and what my goals and plans are in my next entry. This is just about me slinking back in here. Embarrassed... scared (because I am back in that hyper devoted mode as I was at the beginning of this and I am afraid ... terrified.. that Five years in the future me will come back and still be overweight having not succeeded or having gained it all back. i just can't can't can't.