Making Peace With My Body

After 45 years in this skin suit of mine, I would hope that, at this point, I would have made peace with the vehicle I have been given, but I have not. Even back at a size 4 in high school at 100 pounds hating myself for not being 90 pounds (yes, really) to now at my “highest weight ever by a long shot not having just had a baby”. Frankly, I am not sure I was consistently this size after having my third child.

From the divorce diet (How the hell am I going to survive??) to the newly single diet (Holy hell.. someone might see my naked body) to the GZ diet (what the hell just happened???) to the ongoing formerly single diet (It is imperative for me to always look hot) .. at some point I got tired of the whole need-to-be-thin-and-hot game and got off the merry go round.

I am SO fortunate to have a wonderful and evolved partner who genuinely appreciates the figures of real women and prefers women curvy. And I know he will never love me less if I gain or never lose and he won’t love me more if I attain my “goal weight” even if I clearly look better one way more than the other.

Regardless, * I * am not evolved enough to accept myself as is and am extremely distressed about where I am at. It isn’t just an appearance thing.. I am too small to carry as much extra as I am and I just am not comfortable and my back hurts a lot etc. I am frustrated because instead of doing the longer term slow plans I know work for me, I have opted to do quick loss methods that are not sustainable through things like trips and holidays (unlike plans like Weight Watchers where you can eat whatever you want as long as you plan for it and make adjustments). Had I done Weight Watchers when I embarked on a serious “this is it. I am done with this weight thing” last February, I would be solidly at my goal weight by now. I have had at least three “that’s it, I am done with this!” moments and I keep wondering how many more “Day One.. again”’s I am going to have.

I have tremendous will power and resolve. I have done a 30 day juice fast. I have eaten raw vegan. I have subsisted on all whole foods cooked from scratch.. and I have done many other things that required significant resolve and strength and have succeeded. I graduated with a 4.0 for my post bacc degree while raising three young children alone with very little support and no family and while working grunt jobs on the weekends. Yet I feel like an utter failure because I cannot attain and maintain a weight I desire. I hate this about myself and about our culture in general. I hate that I judge myself, not by my accomplishments or the love I enjoy from the people in my life, but by how much weight I have gained in the last three or four years. It is pitiful and shallow.

But still.. I will embark on yet another weight loss journey and hope that * this time* I will succeed and get to a place I feel happier and more “like me”. I hope that I won’t feel like a better person or a more worthwhile valuable person in doing so, but instead just that I simply feel better. So here goes. Again.