Seriously. When IS enough enough? I cannot tell the number of times I have thought to come and blog.. to say "HEY! I am trying again!".. to say "I am trying YET again.." to say "I am tired of trying and not succeeding"... it is really humiliating. I am a person used to succeeding when I put my mind to something and this is one thing I simply have not been able to conquer this time around.. or these last several years. Maybe I am just giving up too soon? Maybe the things I have done in the past no longer work? I know that there have been times I have given it a 200% effort and have been nearly immaculate in my adherence to a plan and seen little or no loss. After 2 weeks on a drastic plan and seeing less than a pound loss, why continue? I get pissed off and quit in righteous indignation. And then I gain weight.
This is not a post laden with optimism and renewed vigor. This is me saying that I cannot bear to continue trying fruitlessly AND my body has begun telling me over and over again that it cannot continue to sustain my health.. maybe even my LIFE.. at this weight. One by one, things are breaking down in my body. At 4'10", i have less tolerance for excess weight than those much taller than me. At my estimation, I need to lose one third of my body weight right now. Just typing that out makes me want to cry.. or go home and climb under the covers and hide.
1/3 of me needs to go.
Can you even imagine how daunting that feels? I don't even want to TRY. And yet, right now, i am convinced if i don't, I will die. Maybe not DIE die.. but i will lose good health. I will likely see each of my body systems fail.
I just want to crawl in a hole and cry cry cry.
This is not just about vanity, but believe me there is plenty of that. I am plenty vain. I have a fridge magnet that reads "I am only superficial on the outside". This is about me living... how about thriving??
I do not know what to do. I have hit that place where I just do not know where to go or how to get where I need to go... and yet I know if i don't, I will not continue on. Rock bottom?
If someone would just give me a solid plan. "If you do AB and C, then you will arrive at Z" I can do that. Tell me what will work and I can do it. It is the try try try and see little to nothing no matter how rigidly i stay on plan that makes me just quit.
What needs to go in my life in order to make this a top priority?
Oh honey I feel you! I spent years struggling with my weight. I am not saying this is what you should do, but I want to share what worked for me because I was able to lose about 70 pounds and keep it off. I am the lightest now I have been since middle school.
ReplyDeleteWhen i used to be about 240 pounds was when I started honestly trying to lose weight. I did Atkins and Pilates every day for about 2 years. The first 50-60 lbs I lost that way, but then I just kind of plateaued there for about three years. This last year, I lost another 15-20 lbs with no increase in activity at all, I actually have been very sedentary this winter.
What I have been doing is not consuming any known Obeseagens.
I flat out do not buy or consume ANYTHING that has High Fructose Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated anything on the label. I do not eat anything that might have GMO ingredients, such as wheat, alfalfa, corn, beet sugar...It's a disturbingly long list, but I am adamant about it. I do not buy factory farmed meat ever. Because the good meat is more expensive, I don't eat it hardly at all anymore, just around my menses, when I actually crave red meat. I buy organic veggies almost exclusively either at the farmer's market or the local health food shops. I mostly only eat whole grains, and I still low-carb when I can, which means no meals of mostly bread, potatoes or noodles or other starch, whoch the body converts into sugar and then fat. Mostly I just eat organic veggies both in juices and cooked.
I am sorry for what you are going through. It's really depressing when you want to see results and they don't come at the expected time. I feel that the best result one can look for in any diet change is how do I feel? After the initial sluggishness when your body is getting used to the change its so important to stay in tune with how you feel inside. Even when the scale is mute you can rejoice if you are feeling your body systems cheering you on! In time the body follows suit and releases the weight its been clinging to so stubbornly, but meanwhile thats not what your paying attention to, because you are motivated by the inside. I know we are all vain, but it sounds like the shift has come for many of us: health over vanity...which brings about true beauty anyway. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am 62 and obese. I consider not gaining weight a huge victory. And giving up wheat has resulted in a few pounds off (a year ago my body totally rebelled against wheat). I am no success story, but I like to focus on health over obesity ... what I eat (mostly veggie, organic) ... I am also made crazy by trying to keep Tim's weight stable or gaining while focusing on decreasing my own. I hate mirrors and reflective windows. But I love my physical strength (from lifting Tim) and need most to work on the mental side ... strength from riding out the self hate episodes which can't be avoided then moving on with the recovery via better self talk. Hang in there! (nancy f)
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