Just Keep Swimming..

I haven't weighed myself in a while. The last several times I weighed myself, my weight remained at around the 5 pound lost mark. Josh thinks I should weigh myself about once a month so that I don't become a slave to the scale and a number progression.

I have two fears. I mostly fear that I won't lose weight and won't know I am not losing weight and I will lose precious time in changing up what I should be doing. I am also afraid that I will weigh myself and keep trying harder and not lose and then do what I typically do: "Well if I am trying so hard and not even losing, why am I doing this?" .. go off plan..and gain weight. I HAVE TO promise myself to stay on track no matter what.

I feel lighter around the middle regardless.

My first goal is simply to stay put on plan and not waiver. My second goal is to lose 20 pounds from where I am now. That was the weight I remember being when I began working with a trainer at the gym.. when i could NOT believe I had hit that weight mark.. that I had gotten so fat. That is a landmark for me, because even though i wasn't happy at that weight, I looked SO much better then and I have a lot of clothes i could be wearing right now. That was about 3 years ago.

My next goal is 20 pounds from THAT place. That is around the weight I was during a lot of my single years. I looked decent.. again.. I have a lot of nice clothes from that period of time and it was a weight I think I could be relatively happy with.

.. and if I want to continue on.. my next goal would be 10-15 pounds from that place. That is the weight I was at after doing a juice fast and also the weight I was at when I got divorced. I think I could wear a size 6 jeans then and look good in them. Anything below that mark will be "pre second kid" weight and at my age.. I am really not sure i can or even want to get that low again. Josh doesn't like skinny anyhow.. and I am a bit worried I might look older at that size. Then again.. if i get that low.. I can see myself wanting to see if i can hit my ultimate goal. My weight range for my height is about 95 pounds to 120 or so. 107.5 is the midrange of that and about what I was before and after I had my oldest child.

Meanwhile I am so very far from that number right now that it feels like a gigantic impossibility. Why can't I just lose a giant chunk right now and get all amped up with motivation? What do i need to do differently??

I am still doing a lowish carb plan. I am probably eating more carbs than I ought to. Sometimes.. like once every three days or so.. I will put frozen tart cherries into my low carb shake. While Dukan calls for nonfat dairy, I am going with the higher fat dairy products and aiming to keep the carbs low. I am still trying to eat a lot of veggies with lean protein. I am back to using those shakes 1-3 times a day. I have had a glass of wine maybe once every other day to every day. That probably should stop.

I am afraid to exercise. My energy level is SO LOW all the time.. chronically low.. and has been for at least a year. Getting on the treadmill.. taking a walk.. all those things I fear will sap me of whatever energy i had left to get through the day and set me back days in health. Hating that.

So just checking in. Aside from 2 days of eating Passover foods (I had some matzo and some dessert for two days), I have stayed on plan and that is something to be pleased with. Please OH please gods of the scale and thighs.. please let me show a several pound loss next time so that i have some sort of victory to hang my hat on. If not, then I will have to reevaluate and decide what I need to change.

How is everyone else doing?