Day 37 - another pound lost and keeping on keeping on..

So it is Day 37 late at night and I should be sleeping. It's been a rough week mostly, but I am still on task. I have weighed myself two times and got a 160.2 reading. So I am very close to my mini goal of 15 pounds lost and off to get a really awesome set of solar nails put on. Maybe even with sparkly gold tips.

I am feeling a lot of mixed feelings. I mean.. WOW. 14 pounds in 37 days. That is GREAT. Right? And I am still really impatient and sulking because it wasn't 20 or 30. Whatever. But the real thing that is causing me the greatest conflict? Read on..

Used to be, if i gained or lost 5 pounds, that was a full pants size for me. I am really small and there aren't a lot of places for my weight to go. Now I have lost almost 15 pounds and I really do not think it is all that noticeable. My boyfriend diplomatically says he "notices some"... but i really don't think people can tell. And I just don't get that. How can I lose almost 15 pounds and nobody really be able to tell? Have i hit that place... that frumpy place where 10, 20 pounds... you still are that chunky girl.. maybe less chunky? Maybe more? But i am not used to losing 15 pounds and not dropping several sizes.

I tried on the size 10 jeans I had been wearing just months ago (I think?) and they still don't fit.

I do see changes in my face. I look in the mirror and I think "oh yeah... there I am..." Do you know what I mean? My face had gotten older and tired looking with the extra globular weight I had recently put on. I didn't recognize myself in pictures. Now I look in the mirror and I am beginning to see myself again.

I am not quitting. I have diversified my program to some degree. I have placed another Direct Diet order to include some pudding mixes that I hope I can make into shakes... simply because of flavor variety. I ordered some diet chocolate.

I bought some Kashi cereal with just as much fiber per cup as those All Bran nasty twigs... and i really like it! I am having one cup in the morning first thing with about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla soy milk. I need fiber in my diet badly. I am also having a piece of fruit instead of a shake in the afternoon. Sometimes I have a frozen lunch entree and sometimes I just have a shake. Lately I have been getting a big salad at Market of Choice and eating half of it for lunch and the other half for dinner.

I notice that I eat more on weekends. I am still conscious of WHAT I eat and of portion control. I haven't been writing things down on weekends. I guess that is sort of my "cheat time" even though it really isn't cheating per se.

I have tried the diet high protein hot cocoa and I like it. It isn't nasty watery tasting like a lot of powder mixes. The variety is helping me stay interested. I am having to work really hard on keeping up my water intake. Today I had 76 ounces.

I have also been allowing myself a glass of wine more often than I ought to. I am not quite sure what to do about that. I am not super proud to admit this is hard for me to quit. In a perfect world, I would allow myself a glass of wine once a week as a treat, but it is becoming a daily thing again.

The weather is turning nicer again... it got up to 60 today in Eugene. I walked briskly to a lunch meeting (and had only water) and it felt really good. If only I could get myself back on a routine... I just cannot afford a treadmill right now but I know that if i had one in my room, I would be using it almost daily.

I like that my clothes feel better on me now. I am beginning to look slightly more narrow from the side. And someday soon, I will be able to break back out all the wonderful work clothes I have amassed and outgrown over the last several years.

So I am moving forward. I am still going. A vendor brought a box of really great cookies to the office yesterday and, while they sat directly in front of me, i wasn't even remotely tempted. When my head is in the game, I really am not tempted. I brought a whole bunch of them home for the family and I am not even slightly tempted to sneak one.

So I hope that the next time I post I will have a picture of me with stunning gold tipped nails to boast my 15 pound mark. I am really really wanting this. SO badly.

How is everyone else doing?

Day 31 and Inspired

OK Wow. Right now it is 7:45 pm. I actually weighed myself about 40 minutes ago or so. Who does that in the middle of the day? I did. I knew that I would be showing food in my system etc... but I just wanted to see. And I showed a loss from 163.2 to 161.8. How surprised was I???? I am newly inspired.

I set a mini goal. When I hit 159 point anything, I will get my nails done again. I have let them go natural for many months now and I have been dying to get them redone. But I am going to wait until i break into the 150's. And now it isn't that far off!!! When I hit 159.5, that is a 15 pound weight loss.

I have mixed feelings. I am really encouraged on the one hand. On the other, I still feel SO BIG. I cannot believe I allowed myself to gain this much weight. Can I be honest? Part of me, I believe, did this on purpose. I didn't have a 20's stage... I was in a very conservative subculture in my early 20's and then got married. I never had a wild oats period really. So when I got divorced, I spent the end of my 30's and beginning of my 40's being 24 again. I did a lot of online dating and let me tell you... it was ALL about looks. Even I was incredibly shallow for a period of time. I think I got to a place where I was just so tired of feeling like I needed to be "hot" all the time and I just wanted to be a Mom, a friend, and grow in my career and stop feeling that pressure. I always hoped I would meet "the right guy" when I was NOT thinnish so that I would know he loved me for me. Behold. I met Josh close to the heaviest I have ever been in my life aside from being pregnant. He would probably actually dislike it if I lost too much weight as he prefers women with curves.

Anyhow.. now this is for me. He loves me and would love me if I never lost a single pound. He is proud of me for how hard I am working and the tenacity of my efforts. But I am not happy. Not because I think skinny is beautiful or the ultimate goal, but because I want to be at a healthy weight where I feel comfortable in my own skin... and in clothes. I do not need all this extra weight on me. It is not doing me any good. I do not need to be 100 pounds even though that weight falls into my goal range (according to many charts. I am 4'10"... I am supposed to weigh anywhere from 97 pounds to 120 according to Weight Watchers... and they are generous).

I am trying hard to stay focused on my successes and not on the long long road ahead of me. I remember losing 1/2 pound a week at Weight Watchers ... but losing 24 pounds to goal. I know that I am one step closer every day.

One of my longer range goals is portion perception. I realize that I seem to feel a need to eat large meals and frequently feel panicked that I won't feel full. I tend to make good low calorie "volume meals" like huge salads with some higher calorie stuff in them so that i have a huge portion to eat. This is a mentality I want to break out of. I know that when I have binged or emotion-ate, the stopping point is discomfort. I think this plan is helping with my portion perception and when I feel deprived, then a gargantuan salad is the solution. I guess it is progress when I feel like I really "pigged out" and realize that means I had a huge salad with avocado, olives, chicken, and artichoke hearts. I freak when I think that my dinner (including a glass of wine and a small wedge of hot bread with real butter) totaled close to 700 calories... but then I checked the calorie total for a Carl's Junior Portabello Mushroom six dollar burger and realize that alone is about 850 calories not including anything else. And that was just part of the dinner for one meal.

I really really hope I never let this happen again. I really really can't let this happen ever again.

Product Reviews:

I mentioned that I have been ordering mostly Wonder Slim products from Diet Direct. I like ordering from them because they have a lot of product reviews, free shipping at 79.99 and a free shaker bottle at 99.99 AND they throw in a small bag of samples with an order of 49.99 which helps me try other things. I have been getting slightly sick of the same three or four flavor shakes, so I bought some Kroger brand artificial flavorings last night. I got banana, coconut, and vanilla butter nut. Today I mixed a few drops of coconut into a chocolate shake. Nice. Late in the day i mixed butter nut into the vanilla. Eh.

The tomato soup I tried was simply nasty. It was workable with a few taco bell sauce packets, but seriously... for 100 calories.. it just didn't taste worth it. I think I would rather blend up some canned tomatoes and herbs and warm that up for a soup than eat some artificial powder that is TOMATO FLAVORED (there was not a single trace of anything tomato in the ingredients) that tasted like a scoop of whey powder mixed with a little marinara sauce. BLEH. The upside to these products is that you are not getting empty nutrition.. every item is high protein so you don't lose your muscle mass as you lose weight.

I don't expect diet food to be amazing. I expect it to be digestible and not nauseating :)

So woo hoo me. Someone help me get motivated to actually exercise again though!

Crap.. we are in March. Now I need to keep track of which day I am on... DAY 30

It was so easy in February since I started on February first!

I had a really low calorie day yesterday.. not necessarily on purpose.. I just wasn't very hungry.. I had a lot of nervous energy and my stomach was a little upset with just junk. Today I am FAMISHED. I am trying hard to reign it in but even after eating lunch I am really really hungry for real food, not just more shakes or a meal replacement bar etc. I am contemplating eating a second lean cuisine for about 220 calories because honestly I am probably going to end up eating it in shakes and other things trying to sate my hunger anyhow. May as well eat it in real food (so to speak).

I am beginning to be able to feel a real difference. My middle is much smaller and my face is beginning to look more like... me. Josh said he now can see a difference.

As for health.. I am definitely beginning to feel different. I had begun having these apnea like occurrences in my sleep where my throat would close off and I would give out a big snore. That was an enormous wake up call for me. Having lost the recent weight, this has gone away.

My motto has been to “plan to succeed”… I always have a plan to get thru any event etc. I am keeping it very simple. When I eat more spontaneously like dinner at a friend’s house, I have some elbow room to eat extra because I have been so overly cautious the rest of the time as long as I am eating things that are within my plan.

This isn’t forever. Eventually I will get to a more maintenance phase where I can eat more liberally and aim to maintain the weight. I might take a break at a certain point and maintain before jumping into the next phase. That break won’t be until at least 130 though, so I am a way's off.

I think I might weigh again tomorrow but I am afraid to. I hold onto this NUMBER... "11 pounds lost" like the holy grail... and I am terrified that the next time it will show a gain. I hate the way the scale has that kind of emotional power over me (and most people I know). When I did Weight Watchers, I weighed once a week, the day of the meeting, and that was it. That is what they encouraged back then.

So right now the question is.. what to do with this raging hunger? Do I sit it out for 30 minutes and see if I feel any different then? If not then eat..? I have some diet hot cocoa.. maybe that might take the edge off.

Have I mentioned where I am buying my supplies from? I am ordering from a company called Diet Direct and the brand name of the meal replacements I am using is Wonder Slim. If you order 79.99 you get free shipping. If you order 99.99, you get a free blender bottle that has the round wire whisk in it great for mixing up the shakes. I have done atkins shakes, some other low carb brand I can't remember (a few initials), some brand I got at Costco also low carb hi protein.. I have to say these shakes are the absolute best. And they are only 100 calories each. I was worried that just water and powder would make for a bland shake, but it has an almost unset pudding like taste to it (in fact, if you use 4 ounces of water instead of 8, you can make it into a pudding instead). I did buy some personal blenders so that I can keep one at work and make it into a real milkshake, but I haven't tried that yet. I HAVE however filled my bottle with ice and then enough water to reach the 8 ounces and the powder and that has a really really nice effect. My biggest complaint is the lack of variety of flavors. I have basically been subsisting on mocha, chocolate, chocomint, and strawberry yogurt. I have a plan though.. I would like to look into buying some high quality flavorings.. maybe from watkins or such.. and making my own flavors. If you are one who needs things sweeter, then you can use the DaVinci splenda sweetened syrups for lattes.

I bought some meal replacement bars and they are a nice option for when you really need to chew something or are on the go. I got some soups and also some low cal snacks (salt and vinegar chips I have tried so far). What is different about these products instead of ordinary diet foods at the grocery store is that these are all high in protein. What I hate most about diet foods is that they have no nutritional value at all and they leave me feeling very unsatisfied. I had a 1.2 ounce bag of sea salt and vinegar protein chips for 130 calories and 10 grams of protein. That is as much protein as was in my lean cuisine today. Many of these products are designed for people who have had bariatric surgery and cannot eat a large volume of food but every bite counts nutritionally. I like that.

I have a wish that I would like to create my own portion controlled frozen meals that are made with, not white flour and rice etc, but brown rice, whole grain pastas etc. The key is to keep them portion controlled, packaged, and labeled for easy grabbing. I know I can do it. I know i can make it taste WAY better than it does. and i would use at least twice the vegetables.

Today i had cheese ravioli and put a packet of taco bell sauce on it and it tasted like an enchilada. Not bad :)

One last thing.. if the idea of spending 99.99 at Diet Direct freaks you out, the way I see it is.. I used to eat out at lunch around 2 times a week and sometimes more. That alone adds up to at least $60 a month. My frozen dinners cost around $2 apiece which is also far less than anything I would eat out. And to me, to feel prepared is worth it. I feel in control and I am not afraid I am going to be caught without what I need. The Wonderslim shakes come to about 1.57 each while atkins shakes cost about 1.50 each but are 160 calories each. Give this a try.. you will be surprised how much better and more filling they are.

That's all for now..

Day 28 Pound Lost

Today I weighed at 163.2 which is a full pound from the last time I lost bringing me to an 11 pound loss. Yesterday I had showed a gain of 1 pound, today is two pounds less.

I am in a rancid mood with nothing positive to say. I like watching my tummy getting smaller. I like that as i was cleaning my room last night, I hung up that pants of "bona fide fat jeans" that i never ended up wearing knowing I never will have to.

I bought a few extra products from Wonder Slim to break up the monotony. I have some 160 calorie high protein bars for something to chew on and some instant cup a soup thingies that are high in protein. I haven't tried the high protein hot cocoa yet.

When people say their stomach is shrinking, (as in you need less food to feel full, not as in weight wise).. is that a real phenomenon or is it a psychological adjustment?

I need a treadmill. Anyone have one they are using to sling their laundry over and can get rid of it for a very reasonable price, please get in touch with me.

Drinking water today. Didn't meet my fitness goal again. My daughter wants to introduce me to yoga. It might be a nice bonding thing for us...she feels very helped by it and swears it has trimmed her down.

That's all folks. I don't want to bleed my nasty bad mood into this happy blog.


Ciao.

Day 26

Today is Day 26. In my fantasies, I would be about 30 pounds thinner today. In reality, I am ten. If you had told me that I would lose about ten pounds in one month and that most people would not really be able to notice a difference, I probably would not have embarked on the journey. That said, had I gone the traditional route (Weight Watchers etc) I would likely be under a 5 pound loss now, if that. The truth is that this is one fifth of where I want to be, so I am choosing to focus on the fact that i have completed one of five steps. If I complete my journey more or less in the next four months, then I will have lost 50 pounds before summer. And that is huge.

I weighed myself yesterday and my weight was exactly the same as it had been the last time I weighed. I was actually encouraged. In the very beginning I weighed myself a few times and got a sense of what the real weight was because it changed each time. I now am committed to step on the scale ONE TIME only and whatever it says, I am claiming. So when i saw the exact same weight, what it said to me was that it was a genuine one pound loss and not a glitch whatever the first weigh in happened to say the day I had weighed. Make sense?

How do I feel? I feel smaller in the middle. I keep looking sideways in the mirror expecting to see the small waist I used to have and sigh as I see the smaller version of what I had grown to be. I do feel a difference. I have a sense that I am about to turn a corner and will see a decent loss in the next week or so.

I have really dropped the ball on the workout thing. I walked one time this week and did the meager two flights of stairs to my appointment on Friday (I do several flights of stairs a few times a day anyhow at work.. but this was a change.. not taking the elevator when I normally would have). There is still tomorrow. There is still tonight if i feel up to it.

I am not drinking my water. I am not sure why I am having such a hard time with that lately. It could be because I haven't been feeling well and I don't like cold water when I feel sick.

I haven't been writing everything down like I had been. I think I have stayed pretty close to my maximum, but unless I keep track, there is no way to know. Homemade chicken soup is not on my plan and I have subsisted greatly on that the last week or more. I have no idea if i have had more than I should. All I know is that I feel like crap and all I want to do is get a lot of rest and drink warm liquids.. so I am going with that for now.

So that reset button I guess has been on "pause". I am just not going to beat myself up for not super excelling. I am really doing well. I have totally avoided almost all temptations (example of giving in: I had some golden beets/butternut squash/onions at my friend Daniel's house last night which was probably starchy and high in calories. Example of NOT giving in: I bought my kids some patisserie quality eclairs for dessert the other night and a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and i didn't as much as lick a spoon. I haven't taken a taste of anything I have felt was not OK for me to eat since the weekend I felt I had overindulged. I have really made good choices. I don't even feel badly about the dish (and seconds on it..) last night because it was organic fresh vegetables and, at most, it was higher in calories than I should have had, but I doubt I went over 1500 calories for the day.

So I am just checking in. Nothing outrageous to report except that I am keeping on. The alternative is to put the ten pounds back on and get depressed. Not going there. If in a month I have dropped another ten pounds, then I will be elated. I am still aiming for a 40 pound loss by the last week of April.

My wish: I wish I had a treadmill in my house for those days I just cannot get out of the house and I feel a modicum of inspiration to work out. My place is small. There really is no place for a treadmill.. but if i had to redo my room and get rid of something in order to have a treadmill in there.. I would do it. Anyone getting rid of a treadmill? :)

On the bright side, I am having a wonderfully relaxing weekend with my daughter watching movies we have wanted to see and just chilling. It is very well needed.

I hope you all are keeping on. A chuckle to the person who replied to my last post that I was RELIEVED that i was only sick and not hungry :) So true. Very sad!!!

~S at 165.2

Day 22: I am sick - not weak from hunger

Well that is a relief. My sore neck turned into sore throat glands, sore throat, body aches and exhaustion. What I assumed was weakness from low calories is just this nasty bug that won't go away.

Today i feel worse. It is a very very busy week at work and I cannot go home until I get the invoices into the mail and the beanbag is being used right now at lunch. Note to self: Buy my own beanbag for lunch naps! A fuzzy happy one.

This morning I weighed in at 164.2. That means a pound lost since day 15. One pound in a week. JOY. Or I could be the same as i was ten pounds ago.

Since I am not feeling well, I am just not hungry. I have had ONE shake so far and have a lean cuisine in the micro right now. Today will likely be a low calorie day simply because BLA!!!

I am eager to get my billing finished and maybe go home early and jump headfirst into a cozy bed... except my son has a strings concert tonight that I cannot miss.

Nothing prolific to say. Just needed to post the weight and clarify the weakness thing.

I have enjoyed SO MUCH getting the comments and emails from everyone. I agree with Karen that this is a lifelong choice. How I am choosing to take the weight off might not be a long term choice, but eating healthy and viewing certain foods as occasional treats rather than "regulars" is a lifetime choice.

I hope you all are staying healthy and rested. This is one persistant bug going around.

Let's Hit the "Reset" Button - Day 21

So major overhaul of the program. I am three weeks into it and i simply KNOW i haven't dropped much scale weight if any since the last time I weighed... what was that... day 15? I haven't been home where my scale is so WHEW. safe.

I think that if I didn't have "external goals" then what I am doing would be fine. I will lose weight gradually and that is ok. But because I have to make a big trip and wear the toothpick uniform NOT intended for short curvy girls .. I am in a hurry to lose a chunk in a relatively short amount of time. I can do this. I just need to adjust and accept it.

So I did a major slash of the calorie plan. Today I had five shakes spaced out about 2 hours apart (500 calories total) and am having a big salad with grape tomatoes, some avocado, chicken breast, and light dressing for dinner. I haven't calculated it out, but my aim is for about 300-400 calories for dinner.

Side effects? Wow. NO energy and very weak when I hit the end of the day. I collapsed in bed, put my feet up, and made my loved ones serve me dinner there LOL. OY such a princess. I am amazed at how much different I felt NOT having that Lean Cuisine type meal at lunch.

I did walk the deposit to the bank today.. about a 25 minute brisk round trip. The weather was gorgeous and the walk felt very good. Of course the banks are closed today, but I needed an excuse to get some activity.

I need to seriously step this up. I am serious about wanting to drop 40 pounds total by the end of April. Let's say I have dropped 9 already... I have 31 to go depending on what my scale reads now. Can I do that in 9 weeks? Maybe. It will be a lot easier if i start getting exercise more than 3 mild occasions a week.

Anyhow. I have hit the reset button. These last 20 days were valuable. I have already talked about the "mindset" and staying faithful. I hit a few speed bumps this weekend with some activities and a party but it could have been much much worse. some people believe that having one day with extra calories tricks your body and helps you to lose weight more efficiently when you drop back down. We shall see.

Not much more to say. I am having some great conversations with others in my same predicament working hard at making changes in their lives. I am working hard at not getting discouraged and focusing on the positive things. Remember that once you start, you are already winning the battle. If you make no changes, you are continuing on the path you are not happy with. Every small step is toward your goal.

When I did Weight Watchers for the first time around 1992-1993 or so, their weight tracker had this "yellow brick road" type thing where each step equaled a half pound or so. I went weekly faithfully and weighed in. I remember getting my first five and ten pound loss ribbons. Even though I lost a half pound at a time... I got to see on the little road map all those little half pounds adding up to a road leading to my ultimate goal weight. I think that I should make one of those for this time around too. I am so freaking impatient that a half pound would make me cry. But five half pounds is a 2.5 pound loss that is permanently off your body. Big events are made up of lots of small steps, choices, and decisions.

Can someone remind me of that when I come on here weeping over whatever the scale tells me? Please?

Success in your small steps to you all...

Sheri