Day 31 and Inspired

OK Wow. Right now it is 7:45 pm. I actually weighed myself about 40 minutes ago or so. Who does that in the middle of the day? I did. I knew that I would be showing food in my system etc... but I just wanted to see. And I showed a loss from 163.2 to 161.8. How surprised was I???? I am newly inspired.

I set a mini goal. When I hit 159 point anything, I will get my nails done again. I have let them go natural for many months now and I have been dying to get them redone. But I am going to wait until i break into the 150's. And now it isn't that far off!!! When I hit 159.5, that is a 15 pound weight loss.

I have mixed feelings. I am really encouraged on the one hand. On the other, I still feel SO BIG. I cannot believe I allowed myself to gain this much weight. Can I be honest? Part of me, I believe, did this on purpose. I didn't have a 20's stage... I was in a very conservative subculture in my early 20's and then got married. I never had a wild oats period really. So when I got divorced, I spent the end of my 30's and beginning of my 40's being 24 again. I did a lot of online dating and let me tell you... it was ALL about looks. Even I was incredibly shallow for a period of time. I think I got to a place where I was just so tired of feeling like I needed to be "hot" all the time and I just wanted to be a Mom, a friend, and grow in my career and stop feeling that pressure. I always hoped I would meet "the right guy" when I was NOT thinnish so that I would know he loved me for me. Behold. I met Josh close to the heaviest I have ever been in my life aside from being pregnant. He would probably actually dislike it if I lost too much weight as he prefers women with curves.

Anyhow.. now this is for me. He loves me and would love me if I never lost a single pound. He is proud of me for how hard I am working and the tenacity of my efforts. But I am not happy. Not because I think skinny is beautiful or the ultimate goal, but because I want to be at a healthy weight where I feel comfortable in my own skin... and in clothes. I do not need all this extra weight on me. It is not doing me any good. I do not need to be 100 pounds even though that weight falls into my goal range (according to many charts. I am 4'10"... I am supposed to weigh anywhere from 97 pounds to 120 according to Weight Watchers... and they are generous).

I am trying hard to stay focused on my successes and not on the long long road ahead of me. I remember losing 1/2 pound a week at Weight Watchers ... but losing 24 pounds to goal. I know that I am one step closer every day.

One of my longer range goals is portion perception. I realize that I seem to feel a need to eat large meals and frequently feel panicked that I won't feel full. I tend to make good low calorie "volume meals" like huge salads with some higher calorie stuff in them so that i have a huge portion to eat. This is a mentality I want to break out of. I know that when I have binged or emotion-ate, the stopping point is discomfort. I think this plan is helping with my portion perception and when I feel deprived, then a gargantuan salad is the solution. I guess it is progress when I feel like I really "pigged out" and realize that means I had a huge salad with avocado, olives, chicken, and artichoke hearts. I freak when I think that my dinner (including a glass of wine and a small wedge of hot bread with real butter) totaled close to 700 calories... but then I checked the calorie total for a Carl's Junior Portabello Mushroom six dollar burger and realize that alone is about 850 calories not including anything else. And that was just part of the dinner for one meal.

I really really hope I never let this happen again. I really really can't let this happen ever again.

Product Reviews:

I mentioned that I have been ordering mostly Wonder Slim products from Diet Direct. I like ordering from them because they have a lot of product reviews, free shipping at 79.99 and a free shaker bottle at 99.99 AND they throw in a small bag of samples with an order of 49.99 which helps me try other things. I have been getting slightly sick of the same three or four flavor shakes, so I bought some Kroger brand artificial flavorings last night. I got banana, coconut, and vanilla butter nut. Today I mixed a few drops of coconut into a chocolate shake. Nice. Late in the day i mixed butter nut into the vanilla. Eh.

The tomato soup I tried was simply nasty. It was workable with a few taco bell sauce packets, but seriously... for 100 calories.. it just didn't taste worth it. I think I would rather blend up some canned tomatoes and herbs and warm that up for a soup than eat some artificial powder that is TOMATO FLAVORED (there was not a single trace of anything tomato in the ingredients) that tasted like a scoop of whey powder mixed with a little marinara sauce. BLEH. The upside to these products is that you are not getting empty nutrition.. every item is high protein so you don't lose your muscle mass as you lose weight.

I don't expect diet food to be amazing. I expect it to be digestible and not nauseating :)

So woo hoo me. Someone help me get motivated to actually exercise again though!