Combatting Shame

Wednesday (Day 3)

I am not sure how, but I am nearly back to my starting weight from when I began the journey last February. Well.. “how” is because I stopped trying and then Unbridled Thanksgiving happened. I cannot even begin to state how exasperated I am to have to start over instead of, had I even moderately attempted to stay on some sort of plan, I would be finished by now. I am also really embarrassed that I “failed”. I think that is the hardest part for me.. that I embarked on this journey.. I publicized it.. made a big deal about it.. then I failed.

Granted a lot of life happened in the interim, but everyone has stuff going on in their lives. Boo hoo.. ya know?

So anyhow.. I am humbly back.. embarrassed, bloated, discouraged.. bla bla bla.

I spent some time yesterday re-reading old blogs I posted hearing how encouraged I was.. how happy I was to lose that 16 pounds.. how dedicated I was. I revisited the Impatient Dieter’s site to get re-inspired by her modest effort-mammoth results and I regrouped my mindset. I have had three successful days now. We bought a really decent treadmill last night and as soon as it is set up, it will become my intimate companion. I have ideas. I placed an order for the replacement shakes (now without aspartame!) and have been mindful about my eating choices. I have even researched the new-ish Weight Watchers plan and am keeping two counters: calories and points trying to stay on track with both. Why am I doing that? I am not sure.. because I know that WW has worked for me in the way past.. because I feel that if I had, at the least, stuck to slow-moving Weight Watchers, I would have at least lost about a pound a week in the past 24 weeks.. and because I am not fully certain I WON’T decide to simply do WW. I don’t know.

Thursday (Day 4)

Yesterday was a meh day and I ate probably half of what I should have. This am showed a loss of about 3 pounds from the day before and 4.6 pounds from when I weighed on Sunday afternoon. I am under no illusion this is anything more than water and I am fine with that. I am not even excited, to be honest! Meh.

I am back to meal replacements this week (about 3 a day) with produce/lean protein meals (two a day). While I did place a new order for aspartame-free shakes, the ones I had leftover from before are riddled with the crap and I am having nonstop pounding torturous headaches. The good thing is that, even though I am not “feeling it” in terms of “wahoo.. I am on track! Doing the weight loss thing!”.. I AM, nonetheless, doing it. When some results catch up with me, I will begin to feel it.

I stopped drinking (alcohol)back in early September, so that will be a significant advantage this time around. Once our rockstar treadmill is set up, I will be using it daily which will also be a significant advantage.

I have received a few side notes from friends empathizing with my struggle and identifying feeling the same way. Some are women in my same “place in life” .. mid to late 40’s.. approaching the first glimmers of menopause.. seeing that all those things that worked in the past don’t work anymore.. feeling frustrated, embarrassed, shamed.. depressed. All are accomplished beautiful women who do things that would positively astound you. Women of character and integrity raising amazing children.. doing fantastic things in the world. Fun, beautiful, witty, snarky women. Feeling shame because there are too many pounds hugging their curves.

Absurdity. Who decided that pounds determine worth?

So right now I am sipping on a concoction.. vanilla crème shake with a sprinkle of (a free sample sent to me by same company) “(high protein) tangy orange drink” making a sort of “creamsicle” shake with a few chunks of (previous frozen) mango floating in it. It is tepid and uninspiring (I have no ice cubes),but it is my meal and that is that.

Pressing on..