Even though I abandoned this blog sometime ago, I have continued to log almost daily on MyFitnesspal.com the entire time (minus a few off periods of a few months, once up to 6 months). I have tried many different things. I learned (from very dogmatic adherents) that a moderate calorie cut was best (no more than 20% from your Total Daily Energy Expenditure) and that I should eat 'sufficient calories' and 'adequate protein'. I became proficient weighing and measuring everything and begin strength training three times a week. At best, I got to the point where I was losing 1/2 pound a week but not consistently. I blamed myself. I must be underestimating portions. I must be doing something wrong. I must have forgotten to log something I ate. I would like to say that, while all of the time I've been on MyFitnessPal my efforts were not perfect, I have been trying for years in a moderate fashion and,aside from passing back and forth the same 5-7 pounds, I got nowhere. I had many "friends" on MFP that would have unfriended me had I dropped my calories below a certain point.
I am sort of finished justifying things, apologizing, giving data to support my perspective, etc. I am doing a plan that, so far is consistently working, and I am going to do it until I hit a pre-determined weight (or date whichever comes first) and then I am going to back off some and go to a more moderate approach.
I am really tired of being fat.
A few years ago, I googled "how to lose 20 pounds fast" (or some such thing) and came across Lyle McDonald and his book on a very low calorie diet (VLCD) referred to as a Protein Sparing Modified Fast (PSMF) . In this book, he repeatedly mentions that this is not in any way the ideal way to lose weight, but that he know people are going to crash diet anyhow and, if you are going to do that, this is the scientifically best way to do that without losing your lean body mass and your health. Challenge accepted. I did a very modified version of that diet back in 2009 and (I didn't have a scale at that time), I dropped at least one clothing size and looked good in a short period of time. I didn't maintain the general principles and, of course, I gained the weight back.
I am getting married this summer. I have been forlorn with the fact that I have been utterly unsuccessful in losing the weight I hoped to before my wedding, so I revisited the PSMF. I'd say that I am still more or less doing a modified version of it (mostly because I am doing it longer than a few weeks and I need to keep myself interested and engaged), but the results, finally, have been encouraging.
The plan, in a nutshell, puts you into a fast, eating only as much protein as will maintain your lean body mass during your loss. The idea is that, unless you eat adequate protein, when you lose weight, some of it will be fat, some will be water, and some will be lean tissue. This method aims to keep (as much of)your muscle (as you can) while you lose weight. There are calculations to determine how many grams of protein a person needs to eat in a day based on things like age, weight, and body fat percentage. So you are more eating your protein grams than eating calories. In its purest form, people on this plan only eat lean protein and non starchy vegetables and some fat free dairy. And it isn't very many calories.
Most people on this diet lose a lot of weight fast. I have been losing an average of 2 pounds a week at almost a 1,000 calorie a day deficit. Two pounds a week falls within the supposed "healthy range" of weight loss even if the number of calories I am eating does not which is confusing to me and says a lot. I am going to go out on a limb and say that maybe my TDEE is much much lower than the average person and I am not supposed to be eating 1500 calories a day of "adequate calories at a moderate cut." Or maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't know. I just don't like failing when I try so very hard. So this is what I am doing.
I decided to revive this blog because I wanted a place where I could document what I am doing and how it is going and it seemed silly to start a brand new blog. Anyone who is reading a weight loss blog probably has been down this same road. Started, SO EXCITED!, Doing ok! Doing less OK! Fades off, gains weight back, slinks back in with shame. Starts over.
I started a Very Low Calorie Diet on December 30th and I started the PSMF on January 6th. To date, I have lost about 11 1/2 pounds. I am taking progress pictures regularly both clothed and in a "bikini." The first set of comparison pictures was spectacular. I was blown away with the drastic change. Since then, the changes are more subtle. I am sure if I take a picture at the 2 month mark and compare it, it will again be dramatic.
The lesson I learned from re-reading my entire blog was that I give up and quit too early every single time. Seriously EVERY SINGLE TIME. I get angry, impatient, resentful, and full of self pity if I don't see consistent results that I feel are in line with the amount of effort I am putting in. So my justification is, "If i am working this hard with nearly zero results, why am I doing this? Why not just eat what I want to?" No. Not quitting. I am staying with this at least until the end of April or when I hit 130 pounds which is at the very maximum I am supposed to be for a healthy weight (101-131).
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
No Room For Shame
I rediscovered this blog when old posts have started popping up on the "Memory" feature on Facebook. I re-read this entire blog in one sitting and had very strong feelings resulting from that.
I came away with a combination of embarrassment, regret, and all sorts of other things. When I first started this blog, I was SO HYPED UP to FINALLY succeed and, once and for all, get all of this (then) fairly recent large weight gain OFF FOR GOOD. And I followed my path of abandoning it during a very difficult time, restarting it many times but never quite catching the fever I had at the beginning. And that was five years ago. FIVE.
I spent some time ruminating over all of this trying to determine what i could glean from this whole experience. I think that the overwhelming lesson I learned by reading and looking back on all the other times I have come back to this over and over again since then is I JUST CANNOT QUIT. The recurring theme was I would work super hard, put 100% effort into it (more or less), expect gargantuan results because of the sort of results I witnessed other people having, getting very much less than gargantuan results, getting discouraged, angry, and resentful, and fading off. If I had kept on back then, if I had only lost 1 pound a month, I would be 60 pounds less right now. Or so. And I read myself saying things like that when I picked it back up again and started over. Again. And again. And again.
I have had several other "I am really serious now, guys!" moments since I stopped writing in this blog. I had considered reviving this, but I had been embarrassed by the methods and "bro science" ideology I embraced and I didn't want other people to read that. But I am back. Again. And I am doing things every bit as drastic as I did in the beginning five years ago. Maybe even more so. This time, I am more or less emulating a science based plan written by Lyle MacDonald that isn't meant to be long term. I will go into what I am doing, why and how, and what my goals and plans are in my next entry. This is just about me slinking back in here. Embarrassed... scared (because I am back in that hyper devoted mode as I was at the beginning of this and I am afraid ... terrified.. that Five years in the future me will come back and still be overweight having not succeeded or having gained it all back. i just can't can't can't.
I came away with a combination of embarrassment, regret, and all sorts of other things. When I first started this blog, I was SO HYPED UP to FINALLY succeed and, once and for all, get all of this (then) fairly recent large weight gain OFF FOR GOOD. And I followed my path of abandoning it during a very difficult time, restarting it many times but never quite catching the fever I had at the beginning. And that was five years ago. FIVE.
I spent some time ruminating over all of this trying to determine what i could glean from this whole experience. I think that the overwhelming lesson I learned by reading and looking back on all the other times I have come back to this over and over again since then is I JUST CANNOT QUIT. The recurring theme was I would work super hard, put 100% effort into it (more or less), expect gargantuan results because of the sort of results I witnessed other people having, getting very much less than gargantuan results, getting discouraged, angry, and resentful, and fading off. If I had kept on back then, if I had only lost 1 pound a month, I would be 60 pounds less right now. Or so. And I read myself saying things like that when I picked it back up again and started over. Again. And again. And again.
I have had several other "I am really serious now, guys!" moments since I stopped writing in this blog. I had considered reviving this, but I had been embarrassed by the methods and "bro science" ideology I embraced and I didn't want other people to read that. But I am back. Again. And I am doing things every bit as drastic as I did in the beginning five years ago. Maybe even more so. This time, I am more or less emulating a science based plan written by Lyle MacDonald that isn't meant to be long term. I will go into what I am doing, why and how, and what my goals and plans are in my next entry. This is just about me slinking back in here. Embarrassed... scared (because I am back in that hyper devoted mode as I was at the beginning of this and I am afraid ... terrified.. that Five years in the future me will come back and still be overweight having not succeeded or having gained it all back. i just can't can't can't.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Keeping on..
I now have a weight loss buddy. This helps to have someone to commiserate with .
Saturday I showed a .8 pound loss. I also took all of my measurements. I also was somehow able to work in the garden two days in a row for about 8.5 hours total.. and I am not dying today or totally lacking energy. Could my health on the way up?
I am fighting feeling like "Wow. Seven point whatever pounds? After a month? Really? Yippee.".. but I remember very well that even at such a slow pace, if I keep at it, in 6 months it will be all gone.
So i continue..
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Slow Loss is Nonetheless Loss
I braved the scale today. I am tired of cowering away from that stupid bully anyhow. This morning I actually showed a loss. A 1.6 pound loss. Meh. Fine. I went to enter it onto my weight loss progression log (read: yellow legal pad with numbers scrawled on it) and tallied up the actual total loss which ends up being 6.4 pounds. Meh. Then i realized that, despite believing I have been at this aggressively for pretty much an eternity, it has actually been one month. One month! So I lost 6.4 pounds in a month. In weight watcher world (in my past), that was normal for me. I also discovered that I have lost 3.5 inches in my waist during this time as well (the only measurement I took).
So instead of whining that I am not losing any weight no matter how diligently I have stuck to my plan, instead I will say that I am experiencing slow but progressive weight loss. And as puny as that feels, All I have to do is remember that, had I kept this up and managed to lose 1.5 pounds a week since last February when I began this, I would have lost 78 pounds which is far more than I needed to lose. But NO. I had to see big giant changes at once or I just wasn't interested.
Lesson learned.
So I am still embarking on a no-name lower carb plan. I have been attempting to keep track of everything I eat via http://www.myfitnesspal.com which is a phenomenal tracking system. It even motivates me by saying "If you continue to eat this way, you will weight X pounds in 5 weeks." I like that. My challenge is always keeping track, particularly when I am no longer sitting in front of my computer at work.
I am trying to lower my dairy consumption. I am not a huge dairy fan to begin with and I am thinking the fat i consume in the dairy products will be better served with coconut fat. I have been trying to eat fewer of the 'lower carb shakes add a little frozen fruit and half and half'. I am trying to use that resource when desperate.
I still eat as many vegetables as I want. I still think it is insane to limit vegetables to see a quicker weight loss even though I know of someone who this has worked tremendously for and i respect her success 100%. One cannot argue with a 115 pound weight loss! Still, I cannot fathom a world without tons of vegetables regularly.
Obviously I want this to move faster. I have decided I really am not willing to give up that nightly or every other night glass of red wine, so I will have to cut back on a different item instead. I am hoping that my health will continue to improve so that i can increase my activity without it making me more ill. I really would like to lose 40 pounds faster than 6 months. I would like to lose it in 3 months. Would I be willing to do a plan I don't love in order to get there? Food for thought. So to speak.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Scailure
.. is what I am going to call it when the scale shows I am actually GAINING weight now.
Yeah.. I am a bit depressed.
I can think of a few things that are probably going wrong. I have a habit of mixing up plans and forgetting that an item on one plan can sabotage another. Or maybe my body just needs some time to give up the fat ghost. I don't know.
I am doing low carb. I haven't been counting my carbs, calories, fat grams, points or anything. My body is very unforgiving and always has been even before kids and before 40. I have had a glass of red wine when I get home from work last few days. I said I was going to cut that item out, but we have been under some duress and I am coping with the sadness of losing a good friend to cancer (or the treatment of cancer, I should say). I also have persisted in adding tart cherries to my night time shake which should be around 4-5 carbs probably.
I have been having a low carb high protein shake at 10 am with water plus half and half or coconut milk. At lunch i typically eat vegetables (large plate of steamed kale and bok choy, spinach or a salad of red cabbage with sesame oil) plus some Lite Toby's tofu pate' or another protein (slices of organic turkey breast etc). I have another shake around 3 if i am hungry. If snacky, I have had some "sea snacks".. roasted nori with sea salt and a little olive oil. Calories and fat and carbs are negligible.. but it fills the salty savory snack need.
Dinner is usually a large portion of the vegetable du soir plus protein. Come to think of it, last night I had leftovers Josh brought home from a lunch meeting and there was a breaded protein in there.. hmmmmm.
Finally, I enjoy a dessert of a low carb shake blended with water, half and half and the 1/4 cup of frozen tart cherries and usually share it with Josh.
Sometimes there is more fat than other times in my diet, and other times, it is leaner. I am not counting fat right now. I do find that keeping fat in the diet keeps me more satisfied and less snacky throughout the day. My issues seems to be the cutting of corners like last night's whoops and the nightly glass of red wine (which seems to have about 4 grams of carbs on average per 5 ounces). A rough estimate is showing about 30 grams of carbs (not including vegetables and trace carbs in other low carb items). My shakes have 7 grams of carbs in them. Maybe that is too high for a low carb diet?
Seriously.. this is not a fat hatred thing and I am not looking to be skinny and lithe. If i took off the 30 or so pounds I have put on in the last several years, I would be so much happier and healthier. I can re evaluate then.
Who exactly am I pleading with here?..
Yeah.. I am a bit depressed.
I can think of a few things that are probably going wrong. I have a habit of mixing up plans and forgetting that an item on one plan can sabotage another. Or maybe my body just needs some time to give up the fat ghost. I don't know.
I am doing low carb. I haven't been counting my carbs, calories, fat grams, points or anything. My body is very unforgiving and always has been even before kids and before 40. I have had a glass of red wine when I get home from work last few days. I said I was going to cut that item out, but we have been under some duress and I am coping with the sadness of losing a good friend to cancer (or the treatment of cancer, I should say). I also have persisted in adding tart cherries to my night time shake which should be around 4-5 carbs probably.
I have been having a low carb high protein shake at 10 am with water plus half and half or coconut milk. At lunch i typically eat vegetables (large plate of steamed kale and bok choy, spinach or a salad of red cabbage with sesame oil) plus some Lite Toby's tofu pate' or another protein (slices of organic turkey breast etc). I have another shake around 3 if i am hungry. If snacky, I have had some "sea snacks".. roasted nori with sea salt and a little olive oil. Calories and fat and carbs are negligible.. but it fills the salty savory snack need.
Dinner is usually a large portion of the vegetable du soir plus protein. Come to think of it, last night I had leftovers Josh brought home from a lunch meeting and there was a breaded protein in there.. hmmmmm.
Finally, I enjoy a dessert of a low carb shake blended with water, half and half and the 1/4 cup of frozen tart cherries and usually share it with Josh.
Sometimes there is more fat than other times in my diet, and other times, it is leaner. I am not counting fat right now. I do find that keeping fat in the diet keeps me more satisfied and less snacky throughout the day. My issues seems to be the cutting of corners like last night's whoops and the nightly glass of red wine (which seems to have about 4 grams of carbs on average per 5 ounces). A rough estimate is showing about 30 grams of carbs (not including vegetables and trace carbs in other low carb items). My shakes have 7 grams of carbs in them. Maybe that is too high for a low carb diet?
Seriously.. this is not a fat hatred thing and I am not looking to be skinny and lithe. If i took off the 30 or so pounds I have put on in the last several years, I would be so much happier and healthier. I can re evaluate then.
Who exactly am I pleading with here?..
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Just Keep Swimming..
I haven't weighed myself in a while. The last several times I weighed myself, my weight remained at around the 5 pound lost mark. Josh thinks I should weigh myself about once a month so that I don't become a slave to the scale and a number progression.
I have two fears. I mostly fear that I won't lose weight and won't know I am not losing weight and I will lose precious time in changing up what I should be doing. I am also afraid that I will weigh myself and keep trying harder and not lose and then do what I typically do: "Well if I am trying so hard and not even losing, why am I doing this?" .. go off plan..and gain weight. I HAVE TO promise myself to stay on track no matter what.
I feel lighter around the middle regardless.
My first goal is simply to stay put on plan and not waiver. My second goal is to lose 20 pounds from where I am now. That was the weight I remember being when I began working with a trainer at the gym.. when i could NOT believe I had hit that weight mark.. that I had gotten so fat. That is a landmark for me, because even though i wasn't happy at that weight, I looked SO much better then and I have a lot of clothes i could be wearing right now. That was about 3 years ago.
My next goal is 20 pounds from THAT place. That is around the weight I was during a lot of my single years. I looked decent.. again.. I have a lot of nice clothes from that period of time and it was a weight I think I could be relatively happy with.
.. and if I want to continue on.. my next goal would be 10-15 pounds from that place. That is the weight I was at after doing a juice fast and also the weight I was at when I got divorced. I think I could wear a size 6 jeans then and look good in them. Anything below that mark will be "pre second kid" weight and at my age.. I am really not sure i can or even want to get that low again. Josh doesn't like skinny anyhow.. and I am a bit worried I might look older at that size. Then again.. if i get that low.. I can see myself wanting to see if i can hit my ultimate goal. My weight range for my height is about 95 pounds to 120 or so. 107.5 is the midrange of that and about what I was before and after I had my oldest child.
Meanwhile I am so very far from that number right now that it feels like a gigantic impossibility. Why can't I just lose a giant chunk right now and get all amped up with motivation? What do i need to do differently??
I am still doing a lowish carb plan. I am probably eating more carbs than I ought to. Sometimes.. like once every three days or so.. I will put frozen tart cherries into my low carb shake. While Dukan calls for nonfat dairy, I am going with the higher fat dairy products and aiming to keep the carbs low. I am still trying to eat a lot of veggies with lean protein. I am back to using those shakes 1-3 times a day. I have had a glass of wine maybe once every other day to every day. That probably should stop.
I am afraid to exercise. My energy level is SO LOW all the time.. chronically low.. and has been for at least a year. Getting on the treadmill.. taking a walk.. all those things I fear will sap me of whatever energy i had left to get through the day and set me back days in health. Hating that.
So just checking in. Aside from 2 days of eating Passover foods (I had some matzo and some dessert for two days), I have stayed on plan and that is something to be pleased with. Please OH please gods of the scale and thighs.. please let me show a several pound loss next time so that i have some sort of victory to hang my hat on. If not, then I will have to reevaluate and decide what I need to change.
How is everyone else doing?
I have two fears. I mostly fear that I won't lose weight and won't know I am not losing weight and I will lose precious time in changing up what I should be doing. I am also afraid that I will weigh myself and keep trying harder and not lose and then do what I typically do: "Well if I am trying so hard and not even losing, why am I doing this?" .. go off plan..and gain weight. I HAVE TO promise myself to stay on track no matter what.
I feel lighter around the middle regardless.
My first goal is simply to stay put on plan and not waiver. My second goal is to lose 20 pounds from where I am now. That was the weight I remember being when I began working with a trainer at the gym.. when i could NOT believe I had hit that weight mark.. that I had gotten so fat. That is a landmark for me, because even though i wasn't happy at that weight, I looked SO much better then and I have a lot of clothes i could be wearing right now. That was about 3 years ago.
My next goal is 20 pounds from THAT place. That is around the weight I was during a lot of my single years. I looked decent.. again.. I have a lot of nice clothes from that period of time and it was a weight I think I could be relatively happy with.
.. and if I want to continue on.. my next goal would be 10-15 pounds from that place. That is the weight I was at after doing a juice fast and also the weight I was at when I got divorced. I think I could wear a size 6 jeans then and look good in them. Anything below that mark will be "pre second kid" weight and at my age.. I am really not sure i can or even want to get that low again. Josh doesn't like skinny anyhow.. and I am a bit worried I might look older at that size. Then again.. if i get that low.. I can see myself wanting to see if i can hit my ultimate goal. My weight range for my height is about 95 pounds to 120 or so. 107.5 is the midrange of that and about what I was before and after I had my oldest child.
Meanwhile I am so very far from that number right now that it feels like a gigantic impossibility. Why can't I just lose a giant chunk right now and get all amped up with motivation? What do i need to do differently??
I am still doing a lowish carb plan. I am probably eating more carbs than I ought to. Sometimes.. like once every three days or so.. I will put frozen tart cherries into my low carb shake. While Dukan calls for nonfat dairy, I am going with the higher fat dairy products and aiming to keep the carbs low. I am still trying to eat a lot of veggies with lean protein. I am back to using those shakes 1-3 times a day. I have had a glass of wine maybe once every other day to every day. That probably should stop.
I am afraid to exercise. My energy level is SO LOW all the time.. chronically low.. and has been for at least a year. Getting on the treadmill.. taking a walk.. all those things I fear will sap me of whatever energy i had left to get through the day and set me back days in health. Hating that.
So just checking in. Aside from 2 days of eating Passover foods (I had some matzo and some dessert for two days), I have stayed on plan and that is something to be pleased with. Please OH please gods of the scale and thighs.. please let me show a several pound loss next time so that i have some sort of victory to hang my hat on. If not, then I will have to reevaluate and decide what I need to change.
How is everyone else doing?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
5 pounds is a start
I have been at this for 11 days. I saw a 5 pound drop in three days, but I viewed it skeptically. This isn't my first rodeo. Today, 11 days from the start, I am showing a 5.4 pound loss. I got weighed at the doctor's office today and I was able to compare it against the last time I was weighed there. 4.6 pound difference clothed and after lunch.
I am doing a low carb plan.. that seems to work the best for me. I am not doing atkins and I am not doing dukan. I am trying to take what I like about both and make it fit my life. Atkins was too much calories and fat (eat all the bacon you want!) and Dukan was too few vegetables (only every other day after 1 week with nothing but protein. That is not sustainable for me).
When i am dying for something sweet, I make one of my protein shakes I have talked endlessly about (they now come in aspertame-free).. and when I need something rich, I might add half and half instead of water or low calorie/low carb/low fat coconut milk.
I have thrown a half frozen banana or a few frozen tart cherries in there. I think both low carb plans disallow any fruit. If i stop losing, I will be more careful. As it is, I have done that maybe three times. It is hard to imagine a few cherries stalling weight loss.
I am also not doing the oat bran (Dukan) because it is relatively low in fiber and I would rather get my fiber from leafy greens and other veggies.
My health has not been good lately. I have had some serious pain and fatigue issues. I am trying to walk to the organic local grocery store at least twice a week at lunch time (about a 15-20 minute round trip walk) and hoping i will be able to tolerate exercise without sapping my body of energy.
No ra ra ra from me at this point. How many different diet plans have i started in the last year?? When I hit a 20 pound loss, I will become ecstatic and hope filled. I am SO tired of being at this weight. I am looking forward to seeing the real me again.
I am doing a low carb plan.. that seems to work the best for me. I am not doing atkins and I am not doing dukan. I am trying to take what I like about both and make it fit my life. Atkins was too much calories and fat (eat all the bacon you want!) and Dukan was too few vegetables (only every other day after 1 week with nothing but protein. That is not sustainable for me).
When i am dying for something sweet, I make one of my protein shakes I have talked endlessly about (they now come in aspertame-free).. and when I need something rich, I might add half and half instead of water or low calorie/low carb/low fat coconut milk.
I have thrown a half frozen banana or a few frozen tart cherries in there. I think both low carb plans disallow any fruit. If i stop losing, I will be more careful. As it is, I have done that maybe three times. It is hard to imagine a few cherries stalling weight loss.
I am also not doing the oat bran (Dukan) because it is relatively low in fiber and I would rather get my fiber from leafy greens and other veggies.
My health has not been good lately. I have had some serious pain and fatigue issues. I am trying to walk to the organic local grocery store at least twice a week at lunch time (about a 15-20 minute round trip walk) and hoping i will be able to tolerate exercise without sapping my body of energy.
No ra ra ra from me at this point. How many different diet plans have i started in the last year?? When I hit a 20 pound loss, I will become ecstatic and hope filled. I am SO tired of being at this weight. I am looking forward to seeing the real me again.
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