Bla bla Day 15 Bla Bla

Can you tell how thrilled I am?

OK so first.. I met my exercise goals for last week and am 1/3 the way through this week more or less (read: i walked to a meeting in the rain equaling 20 mostly brisk walking minutes).

The icky TMI stuff: despite the mysterious powder attempts and some fiber laxative help, I found myself er... deadlocked. By Sunday evening I did a sea salt water flush. I had used this a few times when I did a 30 day juice fast in 2002. Mix 2 teaspoons of sea salt in a quart of warm water and guzzle it down. No more blockage. In fact, the ocean will rain out of your butt. It EVENTUALLY worked, but not for a while and only after I drank nearly a second quart of VERY SALTY WATER. After that, all I wanted to do was guzzle fresh water and eat fruit.

Monday I woke up feeling like a pickle. I seriously felt like some briny sea creature and seriously OFF. I drank probably 100 ounces of water to try to dilute the salty feeling I had. My eyes were puffy and I had some edema and it was very NOT GOOD. The sea salt is not supposed to be absorbed into your body and I have read hundreds of testimonies of how wonderfully this works and without any side effects. I can only guess that my reaction came from a) poor quality sea salt (dear Josh ran out to get me some sea salt and I had forgotten to tell him specifically what kind and where to find it. He brought back Morton's brand which is probably refined and without any trace minerals.) or b) my current diet plan. Regardless.. it did what it was supposed to do and this morning I woke up feeling normal.

I SWORE I would not weigh myself this morning. I mean.. after being brined.. after eating a bigger than normal dinner the night before and being at the wrong portion of my cycle.. it seemed.. unwise emotionally :) So i did it anyhow. The first time showed a three pound loss.. and the next three times showed three other totally different random numbers (showing gains) so i kicked the damned scale back under my bed and forgot about it. OK so i didn't really forget about it. I internally whined about how hard I have worked at this and GEEZ by now I should have seen a dramatic difference... and why oh why is it SO hard for me to shed this damned weight?

Sniff. Sob. Then I put my skirt on. The same skirt i wrote about last week... and zipped it all the way up to the top with ease (last week i wasn't able to) so that pacified me some.

I have this inner fear that I am not going to see much of a loss by my goal time and will make a public idiot of myself on this blog. Sniff. Sob. I am not sure if I need to eat fewer calories or more. I am going with fewer. This week I was to up my exercise routine a notch.. from three incidents of activity I would not normally do to .. I don't know.. something more. I am still afraid to go to a class at the gym yet. I am SO incredibly out of condition that I am afraid I won't make it through a full class. And I am so not about public humiliation :) (That is why I am writing a blog about how much weight I have gained, right?)

Can you see all this negativity I am stewing in????? I know that we project into our lives and tend to fulfill what we project. This is not what I want to be sowing into my existence.

In other news, I found a site that has all kinds of calculations for dieting... how many calories you need to maintain your weight, lose fat, lose extreme fat (is any of my fat NOT extreme?). One of the calculators was to determine what your ideal weight should be. For my height, gender and frame (medium or large boned) the thing told me i should weigh 91 - 97 pounds (medium boned) or 102-107 pounds (large boned). Are you friggen kidding me? I think my ass weighs that much right now. Ok. No it doesn't. I weighed about 100 to 105 pounds in HIGH SCHOOL. I am not sure i will ever get under 120 again. Maybe 115 if i make this my entire focus in life... but 107????? That depressed me. Even Weight Watchers states that my goal range should be from 97-120 pounds.

So I will weigh myself tomorrow and "weigh in" honestly. If i haven't lost, then so be it. I will adjust SOMETHING in the plan and try to hone in on what I need to do differently.

I am just so impatient. I want to have results like the Impatient Dieter did and drop 20 pounds in two weeks (she dropped it in two days..) and am frustrated that I haven't. My goal is to have dropped 40 pounds by the end of April when I go to New York. That is milepost 1.

How is everyone else doing? I know that there are people reading and that many of you are having success or not-yet success at your efforts. Please feel free to comment liberally and mention what is and isn't working for you. What your goals are. How you are overcoming your obstacles.

Thanks for reading my bla bla post today :) Hopefully tomorrow will be a Ra Ra post :)

~~~~