I have used all the normal and logical excuses to avoid making my health a priority, but now everything else is going to have to make room. I bought my kids a whole bunch of easy frozen things so that I wouldn't have to deal with cooking meals I might be tempted by. I also stocked up my freezer and bought enough protein shakes to get me to Monday when my ordered shakes will arrive. This is a big move for thinking ahead, not finding myself without an easy option and setting myself up to fail.
I HATE prepackaged meals. I hate artificial sweetener and dairy and frozen foods that I know i can make much much better and healthier with more whole fresh foods ... but i don't trust myself with portion control and when i am hungry and have nothing easy.. that is when i fail. So this beginning phase is my temporary necessary evil. Ultimately as I move forward, I will plan good meals, pre-measured and labeled with caloric content etc and freeze them myself.
One meal a day at the least is real green food. A salad, a stir fry.. lean protein. I do usually eat one piece of fruit a day.
My scale arrived today along with the compression suit. I will be sleeping in it tonight if i can handle the heat! I will weigh in tomorrow and (UGH) post the weight on Day 5. I will also post the number I received when I had my mammogram last month and braved actually looking at the scale. OY. This is true humility, folks. The weight i was shown was probably what i weighed either during Jared's pregnancy or post partum. This is a big time low for me. Or should I say high?
Emotionally... I am discouraged and worn down. My plate is full and there is no relief.. no one to talk to... just burden after burden. Issue after issue. Work is more demanding than ever. Having two teenagers and a preteen all of whom I love passionately introduce multiple challenges to deal with daily that i shoulder alone. There is no help. There is no safety net. There is no other responsible diligent parent picking up the other half. he loves them, but 100% of every issue, burden, decision, need to intervene, set limits, follow through with teachers, schools, missing work, missed classes, bla bla bla... is all on my shoulders. Daily. There is no respite. I am a pile of BLAH right now and I am sure hormones are beginning to kick in.
So tonight is my pity party. I have no plans this weekend and hope I can make the giant leap to show up at the gym I haven't darkened the door to for a year or more. Just showing up will be a huge thing. Going for a walk. Taking my kids to a movie. I don't know. Just surrounding myself with some good things to help me stop feeling so awful and alone with the weight of the world hovering over me.
I am posting two pictures that were taken in 2007 while i was freelancing and could essentially go to the gym any time I wanted to. I was there typically 6 days a week.. i worked hard.. and at times I went twice. When I started my current job four years ago, things changed. These pictures are when I was at a good place but not where I want to be. I have some mini goals and will delve into that later.
I just needed to vent to the echo of the internet unsure if anyone actually reads this drivel and identifies.
Time to relax and bid a farewell to a really really $h!tty week.
Success and motivation to you all... whomever is reading my ramblings.
I sent my daughter Vicki (the Dayton Race organizer) this link and she SO identified with you. You help others even as you struggle yourself. Good wishes for a better next week.
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