i haven't weighed myself in many days. The last time I did, I showed a gain. The nexttime i showed a gain. the next time (same morning) I was showing what my last weight was. CRAZY MAKING.
I feel good about the level of "staying on plan" i have done. I am not seeming to be losing. I have had a few strenuous workouts (as in walking at full speed without running on treadmill) and maybe tht contributes to the lack of scale loss. I am trying to wear less and less baggy things. Today i am wearing one of my work wardrobe staples and I see a difference from the side.
I celebrated our one year anniversary with my partner Josh on Sunday and pretty much ate what i wanted. We shared a LARGE Ribeye, side of ribs, a salad, nd some broccoli. OH. and a "drink me" two fisted size Hef with extra lemon.
The downside of the meal was sheer caloric content and portions. The upside was that I was able to limit myself to one roll (Roadhouse hot rolls with honey butter. Could YOU resist?), a few small forksful of Josh's mac and cheese anda few of those nasty onion strings. the GOOD news (sort of) is that it was my only meal of the day.
I am convinced (or justifying) that you need to have a day like that interspersed with your diet plan or you won't be able to stay with it long term.
I wish 20 more pounds would just DROP OFF.. but it is just going to take a while.
Meanwhile, there is a gargantuan pile of butter, sugar and pastel food dye sitting within my olfactory senses (WHY do they put the sweets directly in front of me??!!) and i am not even tempted by this sweet pastel easter looking mass of ass-ness.
So on the weekend, I tried on my "pre-fat" jeans. The ones I haven't been able to wear in at least 6 months or so. I got them on and wore them all day. Now THESE ones leave the red surgical looking scar across my tummy, but dammit.. I got those pants ON. My other jeans that i judged my progress by how they fit each casual friday are actually loose in the waist now. "Don't stop Believing.."
I am dealing with, what seems like, chronic fatigue. I am now getting "sick" weekly with body aches, sore throat, utter exhuastion, and head aches. I don't know if the diet is causing this, releasing bd toxins, or if this is my new level of malaise.
What can I say? I have no choice but to keep on. I have some modification ideas that will involve an awful lot more effort than I am currently needing to use. I would like to start juicing in the morning again I eat 1/3 cup of bran buds and about 3/4 cup of Kashi Go Lean with 1/4 - 1/2 cup of unsweetened soy milk for thing inthe morning to cover my fiber needs.
A wonderful dear person who is reading this blog offered me her treadmill. YAY! I really think that will help for those days I just can't go to the gym (whihc is usually LOL).
So really nothing else to say except that I am here checking in. I am continuing to state my weight loss at 16 pounds. I continue to hope for at least anotehr 15 pound loss before my trip in April.
Sincerely,
S
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Being a Parent (nothing to do with Weight Loss... sorry)
I remember when the most challenging thing about being a parent was overcoming the fear some evil stranger was going to snatch my innocent toddler from a park (and I had park phobias), finding ways to address every type of cry (usually fixed by nursing), eliminating the foods that made my kids act whacko (yes, extended family. Keep joking about it, but Jake really WAS sensitive to corn products and they DID make him hyperactive and completely unable to focus, but if it gives you things to poke fun about... keep at it)
I love my kids. All three (plus) of them and I love their personalities, uniqueness, and their strong mindedness. I can see how those qualities are going to make them into tremendous adults. But it effing is not easy. I feel like a complete and utter failure most of the time. I try to be open with them and keep all lines of communication open.. nothing is taboo... and yet i keep the line drawn so they have their boundaries and privacy... and it is still friggen HARD.
I remember all the vows I made before I became a parent.. my ex and I were "that type" of parent that said "OHHHHHH when WE have kids, OUR kids will NEVER xyz" just like every other non parent who thinks they know how to parent better than the rest of the world. Ever notice how the very best parents are the ones who have no kids?
Then there were the toddler stages when the "threes" hit (extended breastfeeding delayed the terrible twos to the threes) where i thought life was SO CHALLENGING. Parents of teens would smile knowingly and say in that really annoying way "OH wait until you have teenagers... the toddler years are a cake walk" and my chuckling inwardly saying "OH when * I * have teenagers, we are going to have a really close relationship and they will fee free to talk to me about anything and we won't HAVE those kinds of issues"
Don't you just love the taste of your own feet?
My job.. you know... the one i get paid for... is a very demanding and challenging position. I work very very hard at that job. And when 5 ish hits and i get in my truck and drive home, my real job begins and that job is twenty times harder. I have measurable milestones at my paying job that demonstrate how I am doing. Is the billing out on time? did we get that great project we went after? Have I gotten the payables out on time? Is everything running smoothly? Are our clients happy? Are the engineers happy? Is there a nice supply of calc paper? Check. payroll? done. 401k? Uploaded. Bills? Paid. Sheri can now shut down the computer, lock the HR drawer and go home.
Then the nonpaying job that have no accolades or pats on the back begins. Trying to instill humane moral values into my kids to make good choices... trying to keep my kids from tearing each others throats out... refereeing conflicts in such a way where I am not controlling but trying to help them learn negotiation skills. Trying to encourage respectable language when I myself swear like a friggen sailor. Trying to build a sense of empathy toward others including respect for each other, respect for women (for my sons) and respect for me and how intensely demanding my life is so that I don't fall apart when I walk in the door from a 10 hour day or so and find the house in utter disgusting shambles.
One of the hardest parts of this stage of parenting is the concept of individuation. I am a smart woman. I know what this means and how important this stage is for (particularly) adolescents and teenagers. I respect it. I have encouraged it. But i cannot deny that it rips my heart out when I see my kids begin to pull away from me and put hedges around themselves as they experiment and develop who they want to be as separate human beings from me and who I have attempted to mold them into (loosely). When my kids might not want to share with me who they have a crush on or if they are or are not dating someone. What their moral structure looks like.
One of my children, whom i respect and trust immensely, made a choice recently that freaked me out. Honestly, when I was their age, I was doing thing so far worse and risky that I hesitate to even mention it. And I realize that those days of holding their hand and watching them like a hawk in the park/playground so no lurking predator has any chance to go near them... are over. I have to let some slack out on the rope and allow them to test the boundaries and learn what is safe and not safe and what kind of person they want to be. And it is hard.
My kids have always been very headstrong and opinionated people... from birth. I have three "fire sign" children: Aries, Sagittarius, and a Leo. Holy hell. And you know what? I really value their qualities. I respect people who have strong opinions and feel confident enough to express them. I have instilled into my kids from DAY ONE that I expect them to speak respectfully to me (and others) and to this day, when I say their name they are not permitted to say "yeahhhh?????" but are required to reply "Yes, Mommy?". I know. Sounds really anal doesn't it? I value respectful communication. But I have never been a big fan of "first time obedience" or "Do as i say because I said so, that's why". I want to raise kids who think. If they don't agree with me or my choices, they are allowed to respectfully approach me with their thoughts. As long as they are respectful and speak calmly, I will listen. And there have been many times I have been willing to reverse my decision or negotiate a different solution if their input makes sense to me.
I am emotional tonight. I have had a few hard moments where i am realizing my kids are hitting ages where I made major milestone decisions. My oldest will be 17 soon.. the same age I was when I graduated high school and went off to college... and I still see him as my little Jakey who likes to play with Mylar helium balloons and watch Arthur. hayley will be 14 next month.. the same year I became best friends with two women I am still super close to... and I had already done some worldly sampling. My kids are far more innocent than I was and they are really really good kids. Jared at 11 1/2 still loves to snuggle me and kiss me in public. They all still call me Mommy SOMETIMES.
I know that I am not really failing and that some of my off the wall emotions are coming from "old things" I am still working through. I just felt a need to discharge a bit on what this feels like for me. I love my kids so much. I hope they really can feel that and know that and that I am not coming off as some impossible to please hard-ass.
I guess that's all I've got right now. Just had to get it out.
~S
I love my kids. All three (plus) of them and I love their personalities, uniqueness, and their strong mindedness. I can see how those qualities are going to make them into tremendous adults. But it effing is not easy. I feel like a complete and utter failure most of the time. I try to be open with them and keep all lines of communication open.. nothing is taboo... and yet i keep the line drawn so they have their boundaries and privacy... and it is still friggen HARD.
I remember all the vows I made before I became a parent.. my ex and I were "that type" of parent that said "OHHHHHH when WE have kids, OUR kids will NEVER xyz" just like every other non parent who thinks they know how to parent better than the rest of the world. Ever notice how the very best parents are the ones who have no kids?
Then there were the toddler stages when the "threes" hit (extended breastfeeding delayed the terrible twos to the threes) where i thought life was SO CHALLENGING. Parents of teens would smile knowingly and say in that really annoying way "OH wait until you have teenagers... the toddler years are a cake walk" and my chuckling inwardly saying "OH when * I * have teenagers, we are going to have a really close relationship and they will fee free to talk to me about anything and we won't HAVE those kinds of issues"
Don't you just love the taste of your own feet?
My job.. you know... the one i get paid for... is a very demanding and challenging position. I work very very hard at that job. And when 5 ish hits and i get in my truck and drive home, my real job begins and that job is twenty times harder. I have measurable milestones at my paying job that demonstrate how I am doing. Is the billing out on time? did we get that great project we went after? Have I gotten the payables out on time? Is everything running smoothly? Are our clients happy? Are the engineers happy? Is there a nice supply of calc paper? Check. payroll? done. 401k? Uploaded. Bills? Paid. Sheri can now shut down the computer, lock the HR drawer and go home.
Then the nonpaying job that have no accolades or pats on the back begins. Trying to instill humane moral values into my kids to make good choices... trying to keep my kids from tearing each others throats out... refereeing conflicts in such a way where I am not controlling but trying to help them learn negotiation skills. Trying to encourage respectable language when I myself swear like a friggen sailor. Trying to build a sense of empathy toward others including respect for each other, respect for women (for my sons) and respect for me and how intensely demanding my life is so that I don't fall apart when I walk in the door from a 10 hour day or so and find the house in utter disgusting shambles.
One of the hardest parts of this stage of parenting is the concept of individuation. I am a smart woman. I know what this means and how important this stage is for (particularly) adolescents and teenagers. I respect it. I have encouraged it. But i cannot deny that it rips my heart out when I see my kids begin to pull away from me and put hedges around themselves as they experiment and develop who they want to be as separate human beings from me and who I have attempted to mold them into (loosely). When my kids might not want to share with me who they have a crush on or if they are or are not dating someone. What their moral structure looks like.
One of my children, whom i respect and trust immensely, made a choice recently that freaked me out. Honestly, when I was their age, I was doing thing so far worse and risky that I hesitate to even mention it. And I realize that those days of holding their hand and watching them like a hawk in the park/playground so no lurking predator has any chance to go near them... are over. I have to let some slack out on the rope and allow them to test the boundaries and learn what is safe and not safe and what kind of person they want to be. And it is hard.
My kids have always been very headstrong and opinionated people... from birth. I have three "fire sign" children: Aries, Sagittarius, and a Leo. Holy hell. And you know what? I really value their qualities. I respect people who have strong opinions and feel confident enough to express them. I have instilled into my kids from DAY ONE that I expect them to speak respectfully to me (and others) and to this day, when I say their name they are not permitted to say "yeahhhh?????" but are required to reply "Yes, Mommy?". I know. Sounds really anal doesn't it? I value respectful communication. But I have never been a big fan of "first time obedience" or "Do as i say because I said so, that's why". I want to raise kids who think. If they don't agree with me or my choices, they are allowed to respectfully approach me with their thoughts. As long as they are respectful and speak calmly, I will listen. And there have been many times I have been willing to reverse my decision or negotiate a different solution if their input makes sense to me.
I am emotional tonight. I have had a few hard moments where i am realizing my kids are hitting ages where I made major milestone decisions. My oldest will be 17 soon.. the same age I was when I graduated high school and went off to college... and I still see him as my little Jakey who likes to play with Mylar helium balloons and watch Arthur. hayley will be 14 next month.. the same year I became best friends with two women I am still super close to... and I had already done some worldly sampling. My kids are far more innocent than I was and they are really really good kids. Jared at 11 1/2 still loves to snuggle me and kiss me in public. They all still call me Mommy SOMETIMES.
I know that I am not really failing and that some of my off the wall emotions are coming from "old things" I am still working through. I just felt a need to discharge a bit on what this feels like for me. I love my kids so much. I hope they really can feel that and know that and that I am not coming off as some impossible to please hard-ass.
I guess that's all I've got right now. Just had to get it out.
~S
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Day 48. Really?
Really? I have to admit I have not gone NEAR my scale in a long time. I am afraid to. I keep having dreams that I have gained all my weight back or that I have been cheating on my diet.
I had a massive cataclysmic meltdown on Friday night about what I believe to be my lack of progress. I cannot deny that I am a number girl and I absolutely need to see a huge number difference to avoid meltdowns.
I am going to have to agree to weigh myself by Tuesday morning at the latest. if there is no change or even a gain then I am going to have to take some extra measures. First: No more alcohol. Originally I said I would have maybe one glass a week and I am back to one a day. Secondly, I am unfortunately going to have to get really AR about staying on plan. Shakes and salads. I either want to see drastic change or I am willing to wait the long haul on this. I can't do both.
I have been awful at writing things down. I think on my splurge days I have been around 1500 calories. On my good days, I am between 800 and 1200. I have been awful about water again.
I have to just admit that i feel like an utter failure. I really really want to see a 30 pound loss before my East Coast trip and I am terrified I won't. When I say terrified... I am not exaggerating. I have to be willing to be more drastic if a number is this important to me.
So I am posting a picture taken on Friday evening after having my hair done. Do you see a difference? Be honest. NOT from the uber awful day one picture that never really looked like me... but the others. I have a boyfriend who loves my body the way it is and I cannot go by his opinion. I wear the same baggyish body concealing clothing and people just cannot tell in real life so far.
I really really need encouragement. Shouting out to you all. PLEASE send me some inspiration and encouragement.
Thank you,
Sheri
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day 42 and the HOWS
So I am feeling a little glum today for a variety of reasons (only partly because it is Monday and the first day of three that I won't see my bf at all after not really getting any time alone on our "two out of four days a month we have to ourselves". It's just the life of being conscientious single parents and it's all good, but still... I really need those four days a month.
So I am really struggling with the fact that my scale says I have lost 15 pounds and my brain (and to some degree my body) are telling me it is a lie. I honestly have concocted this belief that my scale has been able to consistantly and coincidentally lie to me that I have lost weight when I haven't. So I am a smart girl and I know that I have lost the weight. I know I have a ways to go. I just want to see my efforts already resulting in fitting back into my old jeans and not feeling UGH. I really really need to see a significant sudden drop pretty soon. It isn't as though I am going to quit, but sometimes when i see how hard I am working and how much I am sacrificing, I want to be back to the old me NOW.
The reality is that I am losing about a half pound or so a day. I have cut that many daily calories.
Oh that reminds me. I keep getting asked "how are you doing this?" I realize that not everyone is going to go back and re-read all of my blog posts, so in short.. I am doing a very low calorie diet that is high in protein and fiber and relatively low in carbs and fat. My initial goal was "EASY without a lot of thought and choices". I don't have much spare time and that spare time i do have i am pretty wiped out. I have what I consider to be a demanding job, do a lot of volunteer work in my industry, am a single primary custodial parent of three children (two teens and one preteen) and am in a serious relationship with a man who has two small chilren. Life is busy.
I have found that a lot of my bad decisions had been coming from lack of planning, last minute grab-its, and portion control, so I designed a diet based on portion controlled easy to grab meals that required nearly no thought and was relatively affordable. I have modified this diet as I have gone along based on what I feel my body/life/taste buds needs, but I started off basing my meal plan on Wonder Slim low calorie meal replacement shakes (they are 15 grams of protein and 100 calories and taste better than any other diet shake i have ever had). I was having a lean cuisine type frozen meal for lunch around 250 calories and a dinner of usually a big salad with lean protein, or lots of vegetables and a lean protein, OR (since I have felt run down a lot lately) homemade (fat skimmed) chicken broth soup with meat and vegetables.
Along the way, I realized I needed more fiber and fresh food in my plan, so i have been eating fewer shakes and more produce. I recently bought some Kashi go Lean cereal that has the same amount of dietary fiber as that nasty twiggy all bran and I eat one cup for breakfast with about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla soy milk. I try to drink at least 72 ounces of water a day but try to hit upwards of 90-100. I haven't been hitting that lately.
Further along the way, I decided to try some other products to add variety to my diet from the same place I order my shakes (Diet Direct) and have some sugar free chocolate, protein bars, hi protein crunchy snacks, instant high protein soups, and hot cocoa. I use those items when I am feeling like I absolutely need SOMETHING DIFFERENT.. but really.. if i am feeling desperate for "real food" i just plan for it and eat it. Just like when I was in Weight Watchers and would say "no.. there is nothing that i can't eat.. I just have to plan for it".. it is the same now. Some things simply aren't worth it to me and I don't even bother, but last night, for example, I had one piece of real chocolate from a Hershey's Pot of Gold box for 50 calories and I enjoyed every small nibble I took from it. You can't do this long term if you are contantly in deprivation mode.
Also, I haven't been writing things down on the weekends. I mentally keep track and figure that i will probably reach the upper end of my calorie limit or even go over some, but I am so faithful during the week it is OK. By the way, "upper range or over" is closer to 1500 than any gargantuan number. Right now I am aiming for 800 to 1000 calories a day.. because i am four foot ten and my body needs drastic and not moderation.
So that is my plan. I eat as much fresh produce as I want because I think that is the healthy way to eat. If a bowl of steamed cauliflower puts me over my calorie limit, I don't care. I think my body is better for eating it than not.
So that is that. The good the bad and the ugly. I think tomorrow is time to step back on the scary scale again and see if I have made any number progress. I will report in as soon as I have. Meanwhile, I am trying to just stay on track and keep my brain negativity in check. I didn't put it all on in a month and I can't take it all off in a month either.
Back to work..
~S
So I am really struggling with the fact that my scale says I have lost 15 pounds and my brain (and to some degree my body) are telling me it is a lie. I honestly have concocted this belief that my scale has been able to consistantly and coincidentally lie to me that I have lost weight when I haven't. So I am a smart girl and I know that I have lost the weight. I know I have a ways to go. I just want to see my efforts already resulting in fitting back into my old jeans and not feeling UGH. I really really need to see a significant sudden drop pretty soon. It isn't as though I am going to quit, but sometimes when i see how hard I am working and how much I am sacrificing, I want to be back to the old me NOW.
The reality is that I am losing about a half pound or so a day. I have cut that many daily calories.
Oh that reminds me. I keep getting asked "how are you doing this?" I realize that not everyone is going to go back and re-read all of my blog posts, so in short.. I am doing a very low calorie diet that is high in protein and fiber and relatively low in carbs and fat. My initial goal was "EASY without a lot of thought and choices". I don't have much spare time and that spare time i do have i am pretty wiped out. I have what I consider to be a demanding job, do a lot of volunteer work in my industry, am a single primary custodial parent of three children (two teens and one preteen) and am in a serious relationship with a man who has two small chilren. Life is busy.
I have found that a lot of my bad decisions had been coming from lack of planning, last minute grab-its, and portion control, so I designed a diet based on portion controlled easy to grab meals that required nearly no thought and was relatively affordable. I have modified this diet as I have gone along based on what I feel my body/life/taste buds needs, but I started off basing my meal plan on Wonder Slim low calorie meal replacement shakes (they are 15 grams of protein and 100 calories and taste better than any other diet shake i have ever had). I was having a lean cuisine type frozen meal for lunch around 250 calories and a dinner of usually a big salad with lean protein, or lots of vegetables and a lean protein, OR (since I have felt run down a lot lately) homemade (fat skimmed) chicken broth soup with meat and vegetables.
Along the way, I realized I needed more fiber and fresh food in my plan, so i have been eating fewer shakes and more produce. I recently bought some Kashi go Lean cereal that has the same amount of dietary fiber as that nasty twiggy all bran and I eat one cup for breakfast with about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla soy milk. I try to drink at least 72 ounces of water a day but try to hit upwards of 90-100. I haven't been hitting that lately.
Further along the way, I decided to try some other products to add variety to my diet from the same place I order my shakes (Diet Direct) and have some sugar free chocolate, protein bars, hi protein crunchy snacks, instant high protein soups, and hot cocoa. I use those items when I am feeling like I absolutely need SOMETHING DIFFERENT.. but really.. if i am feeling desperate for "real food" i just plan for it and eat it. Just like when I was in Weight Watchers and would say "no.. there is nothing that i can't eat.. I just have to plan for it".. it is the same now. Some things simply aren't worth it to me and I don't even bother, but last night, for example, I had one piece of real chocolate from a Hershey's Pot of Gold box for 50 calories and I enjoyed every small nibble I took from it. You can't do this long term if you are contantly in deprivation mode.
Also, I haven't been writing things down on the weekends. I mentally keep track and figure that i will probably reach the upper end of my calorie limit or even go over some, but I am so faithful during the week it is OK. By the way, "upper range or over" is closer to 1500 than any gargantuan number. Right now I am aiming for 800 to 1000 calories a day.. because i am four foot ten and my body needs drastic and not moderation.
So that is my plan. I eat as much fresh produce as I want because I think that is the healthy way to eat. If a bowl of steamed cauliflower puts me over my calorie limit, I don't care. I think my body is better for eating it than not.
So that is that. The good the bad and the ugly. I think tomorrow is time to step back on the scary scale again and see if I have made any number progress. I will report in as soon as I have. Meanwhile, I am trying to just stay on track and keep my brain negativity in check. I didn't put it all on in a month and I can't take it all off in a month either.
Back to work..
~S
Thursday, March 10, 2011
NAILS B!TCHES!!!!!! (also Day 38)
What can I say? This am the scale read 159.2. That is 15.3 pounds OFF. So i made an immediate appointment to get my nails done... you can't really tell in the picture, but the tips are metallic black with silver sparkles and they look HOTT!! I forgot how very much I love nails! I am having a very hard time relearning to type and text with them though!!!!! Ah well. The price of vanity.
Someone told me today that maybe the reason people cannot notice my weight loss as much is because i wear baggy concealing clothing. Perhaps.
Trying to think what I will incentivize for the 20 pound mark... pedicure? Jewelry? New Boots? Hmmmmmmmmm.
All for now.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Day 37 - another pound lost and keeping on keeping on..
So it is Day 37 late at night and I should be sleeping. It's been a rough week mostly, but I am still on task. I have weighed myself two times and got a 160.2 reading. So I am very close to my mini goal of 15 pounds lost and off to get a really awesome set of solar nails put on. Maybe even with sparkly gold tips.
I am feeling a lot of mixed feelings. I mean.. WOW. 14 pounds in 37 days. That is GREAT. Right? And I am still really impatient and sulking because it wasn't 20 or 30. Whatever. But the real thing that is causing me the greatest conflict? Read on..
Used to be, if i gained or lost 5 pounds, that was a full pants size for me. I am really small and there aren't a lot of places for my weight to go. Now I have lost almost 15 pounds and I really do not think it is all that noticeable. My boyfriend diplomatically says he "notices some"... but i really don't think people can tell. And I just don't get that. How can I lose almost 15 pounds and nobody really be able to tell? Have i hit that place... that frumpy place where 10, 20 pounds... you still are that chunky girl.. maybe less chunky? Maybe more? But i am not used to losing 15 pounds and not dropping several sizes.
I tried on the size 10 jeans I had been wearing just months ago (I think?) and they still don't fit.
I do see changes in my face. I look in the mirror and I think "oh yeah... there I am..." Do you know what I mean? My face had gotten older and tired looking with the extra globular weight I had recently put on. I didn't recognize myself in pictures. Now I look in the mirror and I am beginning to see myself again.
I am not quitting. I have diversified my program to some degree. I have placed another Direct Diet order to include some pudding mixes that I hope I can make into shakes... simply because of flavor variety. I ordered some diet chocolate.
I bought some Kashi cereal with just as much fiber per cup as those All Bran nasty twigs... and i really like it! I am having one cup in the morning first thing with about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla soy milk. I need fiber in my diet badly. I am also having a piece of fruit instead of a shake in the afternoon. Sometimes I have a frozen lunch entree and sometimes I just have a shake. Lately I have been getting a big salad at Market of Choice and eating half of it for lunch and the other half for dinner.
I notice that I eat more on weekends. I am still conscious of WHAT I eat and of portion control. I haven't been writing things down on weekends. I guess that is sort of my "cheat time" even though it really isn't cheating per se.
I have tried the diet high protein hot cocoa and I like it. It isn't nasty watery tasting like a lot of powder mixes. The variety is helping me stay interested. I am having to work really hard on keeping up my water intake. Today I had 76 ounces.
I have also been allowing myself a glass of wine more often than I ought to. I am not quite sure what to do about that. I am not super proud to admit this is hard for me to quit. In a perfect world, I would allow myself a glass of wine once a week as a treat, but it is becoming a daily thing again.
The weather is turning nicer again... it got up to 60 today in Eugene. I walked briskly to a lunch meeting (and had only water) and it felt really good. If only I could get myself back on a routine... I just cannot afford a treadmill right now but I know that if i had one in my room, I would be using it almost daily.
I like that my clothes feel better on me now. I am beginning to look slightly more narrow from the side. And someday soon, I will be able to break back out all the wonderful work clothes I have amassed and outgrown over the last several years.
So I am moving forward. I am still going. A vendor brought a box of really great cookies to the office yesterday and, while they sat directly in front of me, i wasn't even remotely tempted. When my head is in the game, I really am not tempted. I brought a whole bunch of them home for the family and I am not even slightly tempted to sneak one.
So I hope that the next time I post I will have a picture of me with stunning gold tipped nails to boast my 15 pound mark. I am really really wanting this. SO badly.
How is everyone else doing?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Day 31 and Inspired
OK Wow. Right now it is 7:45 pm. I actually weighed myself about 40 minutes ago or so. Who does that in the middle of the day? I did. I knew that I would be showing food in my system etc... but I just wanted to see. And I showed a loss from 163.2 to 161.8. How surprised was I???? I am newly inspired.
I set a mini goal. When I hit 159 point anything, I will get my nails done again. I have let them go natural for many months now and I have been dying to get them redone. But I am going to wait until i break into the 150's. And now it isn't that far off!!! When I hit 159.5, that is a 15 pound weight loss.
I have mixed feelings. I am really encouraged on the one hand. On the other, I still feel SO BIG. I cannot believe I allowed myself to gain this much weight. Can I be honest? Part of me, I believe, did this on purpose. I didn't have a 20's stage... I was in a very conservative subculture in my early 20's and then got married. I never had a wild oats period really. So when I got divorced, I spent the end of my 30's and beginning of my 40's being 24 again. I did a lot of online dating and let me tell you... it was ALL about looks. Even I was incredibly shallow for a period of time. I think I got to a place where I was just so tired of feeling like I needed to be "hot" all the time and I just wanted to be a Mom, a friend, and grow in my career and stop feeling that pressure. I always hoped I would meet "the right guy" when I was NOT thinnish so that I would know he loved me for me. Behold. I met Josh close to the heaviest I have ever been in my life aside from being pregnant. He would probably actually dislike it if I lost too much weight as he prefers women with curves.
Anyhow.. now this is for me. He loves me and would love me if I never lost a single pound. He is proud of me for how hard I am working and the tenacity of my efforts. But I am not happy. Not because I think skinny is beautiful or the ultimate goal, but because I want to be at a healthy weight where I feel comfortable in my own skin... and in clothes. I do not need all this extra weight on me. It is not doing me any good. I do not need to be 100 pounds even though that weight falls into my goal range (according to many charts. I am 4'10"... I am supposed to weigh anywhere from 97 pounds to 120 according to Weight Watchers... and they are generous).
I am trying hard to stay focused on my successes and not on the long long road ahead of me. I remember losing 1/2 pound a week at Weight Watchers ... but losing 24 pounds to goal. I know that I am one step closer every day.
One of my longer range goals is portion perception. I realize that I seem to feel a need to eat large meals and frequently feel panicked that I won't feel full. I tend to make good low calorie "volume meals" like huge salads with some higher calorie stuff in them so that i have a huge portion to eat. This is a mentality I want to break out of. I know that when I have binged or emotion-ate, the stopping point is discomfort. I think this plan is helping with my portion perception and when I feel deprived, then a gargantuan salad is the solution. I guess it is progress when I feel like I really "pigged out" and realize that means I had a huge salad with avocado, olives, chicken, and artichoke hearts. I freak when I think that my dinner (including a glass of wine and a small wedge of hot bread with real butter) totaled close to 700 calories... but then I checked the calorie total for a Carl's Junior Portabello Mushroom six dollar burger and realize that alone is about 850 calories not including anything else. And that was just part of the dinner for one meal.
I really really hope I never let this happen again. I really really can't let this happen ever again.
Product Reviews:
I mentioned that I have been ordering mostly Wonder Slim products from Diet Direct. I like ordering from them because they have a lot of product reviews, free shipping at 79.99 and a free shaker bottle at 99.99 AND they throw in a small bag of samples with an order of 49.99 which helps me try other things. I have been getting slightly sick of the same three or four flavor shakes, so I bought some Kroger brand artificial flavorings last night. I got banana, coconut, and vanilla butter nut. Today I mixed a few drops of coconut into a chocolate shake. Nice. Late in the day i mixed butter nut into the vanilla. Eh.
The tomato soup I tried was simply nasty. It was workable with a few taco bell sauce packets, but seriously... for 100 calories.. it just didn't taste worth it. I think I would rather blend up some canned tomatoes and herbs and warm that up for a soup than eat some artificial powder that is TOMATO FLAVORED (there was not a single trace of anything tomato in the ingredients) that tasted like a scoop of whey powder mixed with a little marinara sauce. BLEH. The upside to these products is that you are not getting empty nutrition.. every item is high protein so you don't lose your muscle mass as you lose weight.
I don't expect diet food to be amazing. I expect it to be digestible and not nauseating :)
So woo hoo me. Someone help me get motivated to actually exercise again though!
I set a mini goal. When I hit 159 point anything, I will get my nails done again. I have let them go natural for many months now and I have been dying to get them redone. But I am going to wait until i break into the 150's. And now it isn't that far off!!! When I hit 159.5, that is a 15 pound weight loss.
I have mixed feelings. I am really encouraged on the one hand. On the other, I still feel SO BIG. I cannot believe I allowed myself to gain this much weight. Can I be honest? Part of me, I believe, did this on purpose. I didn't have a 20's stage... I was in a very conservative subculture in my early 20's and then got married. I never had a wild oats period really. So when I got divorced, I spent the end of my 30's and beginning of my 40's being 24 again. I did a lot of online dating and let me tell you... it was ALL about looks. Even I was incredibly shallow for a period of time. I think I got to a place where I was just so tired of feeling like I needed to be "hot" all the time and I just wanted to be a Mom, a friend, and grow in my career and stop feeling that pressure. I always hoped I would meet "the right guy" when I was NOT thinnish so that I would know he loved me for me. Behold. I met Josh close to the heaviest I have ever been in my life aside from being pregnant. He would probably actually dislike it if I lost too much weight as he prefers women with curves.
Anyhow.. now this is for me. He loves me and would love me if I never lost a single pound. He is proud of me for how hard I am working and the tenacity of my efforts. But I am not happy. Not because I think skinny is beautiful or the ultimate goal, but because I want to be at a healthy weight where I feel comfortable in my own skin... and in clothes. I do not need all this extra weight on me. It is not doing me any good. I do not need to be 100 pounds even though that weight falls into my goal range (according to many charts. I am 4'10"... I am supposed to weigh anywhere from 97 pounds to 120 according to Weight Watchers... and they are generous).
I am trying hard to stay focused on my successes and not on the long long road ahead of me. I remember losing 1/2 pound a week at Weight Watchers ... but losing 24 pounds to goal. I know that I am one step closer every day.
One of my longer range goals is portion perception. I realize that I seem to feel a need to eat large meals and frequently feel panicked that I won't feel full. I tend to make good low calorie "volume meals" like huge salads with some higher calorie stuff in them so that i have a huge portion to eat. This is a mentality I want to break out of. I know that when I have binged or emotion-ate, the stopping point is discomfort. I think this plan is helping with my portion perception and when I feel deprived, then a gargantuan salad is the solution. I guess it is progress when I feel like I really "pigged out" and realize that means I had a huge salad with avocado, olives, chicken, and artichoke hearts. I freak when I think that my dinner (including a glass of wine and a small wedge of hot bread with real butter) totaled close to 700 calories... but then I checked the calorie total for a Carl's Junior Portabello Mushroom six dollar burger and realize that alone is about 850 calories not including anything else. And that was just part of the dinner for one meal.
I really really hope I never let this happen again. I really really can't let this happen ever again.
Product Reviews:
I mentioned that I have been ordering mostly Wonder Slim products from Diet Direct. I like ordering from them because they have a lot of product reviews, free shipping at 79.99 and a free shaker bottle at 99.99 AND they throw in a small bag of samples with an order of 49.99 which helps me try other things. I have been getting slightly sick of the same three or four flavor shakes, so I bought some Kroger brand artificial flavorings last night. I got banana, coconut, and vanilla butter nut. Today I mixed a few drops of coconut into a chocolate shake. Nice. Late in the day i mixed butter nut into the vanilla. Eh.
The tomato soup I tried was simply nasty. It was workable with a few taco bell sauce packets, but seriously... for 100 calories.. it just didn't taste worth it. I think I would rather blend up some canned tomatoes and herbs and warm that up for a soup than eat some artificial powder that is TOMATO FLAVORED (there was not a single trace of anything tomato in the ingredients) that tasted like a scoop of whey powder mixed with a little marinara sauce. BLEH. The upside to these products is that you are not getting empty nutrition.. every item is high protein so you don't lose your muscle mass as you lose weight.
I don't expect diet food to be amazing. I expect it to be digestible and not nauseating :)
So woo hoo me. Someone help me get motivated to actually exercise again though!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Crap.. we are in March. Now I need to keep track of which day I am on... DAY 30
It was so easy in February since I started on February first!
I had a really low calorie day yesterday.. not necessarily on purpose.. I just wasn't very hungry.. I had a lot of nervous energy and my stomach was a little upset with just junk. Today I am FAMISHED. I am trying hard to reign it in but even after eating lunch I am really really hungry for real food, not just more shakes or a meal replacement bar etc. I am contemplating eating a second lean cuisine for about 220 calories because honestly I am probably going to end up eating it in shakes and other things trying to sate my hunger anyhow. May as well eat it in real food (so to speak).
I am beginning to be able to feel a real difference. My middle is much smaller and my face is beginning to look more like... me. Josh said he now can see a difference.
As for health.. I am definitely beginning to feel different. I had begun having these apnea like occurrences in my sleep where my throat would close off and I would give out a big snore. That was an enormous wake up call for me. Having lost the recent weight, this has gone away.
My motto has been to “plan to succeed”… I always have a plan to get thru any event etc. I am keeping it very simple. When I eat more spontaneously like dinner at a friend’s house, I have some elbow room to eat extra because I have been so overly cautious the rest of the time as long as I am eating things that are within my plan.
This isn’t forever. Eventually I will get to a more maintenance phase where I can eat more liberally and aim to maintain the weight. I might take a break at a certain point and maintain before jumping into the next phase. That break won’t be until at least 130 though, so I am a way's off.
I think I might weigh again tomorrow but I am afraid to. I hold onto this NUMBER... "11 pounds lost" like the holy grail... and I am terrified that the next time it will show a gain. I hate the way the scale has that kind of emotional power over me (and most people I know). When I did Weight Watchers, I weighed once a week, the day of the meeting, and that was it. That is what they encouraged back then.
So right now the question is.. what to do with this raging hunger? Do I sit it out for 30 minutes and see if I feel any different then? If not then eat..? I have some diet hot cocoa.. maybe that might take the edge off.
Have I mentioned where I am buying my supplies from? I am ordering from a company called Diet Direct and the brand name of the meal replacements I am using is Wonder Slim. If you order 79.99 you get free shipping. If you order 99.99, you get a free blender bottle that has the round wire whisk in it great for mixing up the shakes. I have done atkins shakes, some other low carb brand I can't remember (a few initials), some brand I got at Costco also low carb hi protein.. I have to say these shakes are the absolute best. And they are only 100 calories each. I was worried that just water and powder would make for a bland shake, but it has an almost unset pudding like taste to it (in fact, if you use 4 ounces of water instead of 8, you can make it into a pudding instead). I did buy some personal blenders so that I can keep one at work and make it into a real milkshake, but I haven't tried that yet. I HAVE however filled my bottle with ice and then enough water to reach the 8 ounces and the powder and that has a really really nice effect. My biggest complaint is the lack of variety of flavors. I have basically been subsisting on mocha, chocolate, chocomint, and strawberry yogurt. I have a plan though.. I would like to look into buying some high quality flavorings.. maybe from watkins or such.. and making my own flavors. If you are one who needs things sweeter, then you can use the DaVinci splenda sweetened syrups for lattes.
I bought some meal replacement bars and they are a nice option for when you really need to chew something or are on the go. I got some soups and also some low cal snacks (salt and vinegar chips I have tried so far). What is different about these products instead of ordinary diet foods at the grocery store is that these are all high in protein. What I hate most about diet foods is that they have no nutritional value at all and they leave me feeling very unsatisfied. I had a 1.2 ounce bag of sea salt and vinegar protein chips for 130 calories and 10 grams of protein. That is as much protein as was in my lean cuisine today. Many of these products are designed for people who have had bariatric surgery and cannot eat a large volume of food but every bite counts nutritionally. I like that.
I have a wish that I would like to create my own portion controlled frozen meals that are made with, not white flour and rice etc, but brown rice, whole grain pastas etc. The key is to keep them portion controlled, packaged, and labeled for easy grabbing. I know I can do it. I know i can make it taste WAY better than it does. and i would use at least twice the vegetables.
Today i had cheese ravioli and put a packet of taco bell sauce on it and it tasted like an enchilada. Not bad :)
One last thing.. if the idea of spending 99.99 at Diet Direct freaks you out, the way I see it is.. I used to eat out at lunch around 2 times a week and sometimes more. That alone adds up to at least $60 a month. My frozen dinners cost around $2 apiece which is also far less than anything I would eat out. And to me, to feel prepared is worth it. I feel in control and I am not afraid I am going to be caught without what I need. The Wonderslim shakes come to about 1.57 each while atkins shakes cost about 1.50 each but are 160 calories each. Give this a try.. you will be surprised how much better and more filling they are.
That's all for now..
I had a really low calorie day yesterday.. not necessarily on purpose.. I just wasn't very hungry.. I had a lot of nervous energy and my stomach was a little upset with just junk. Today I am FAMISHED. I am trying hard to reign it in but even after eating lunch I am really really hungry for real food, not just more shakes or a meal replacement bar etc. I am contemplating eating a second lean cuisine for about 220 calories because honestly I am probably going to end up eating it in shakes and other things trying to sate my hunger anyhow. May as well eat it in real food (so to speak).
I am beginning to be able to feel a real difference. My middle is much smaller and my face is beginning to look more like... me. Josh said he now can see a difference.
As for health.. I am definitely beginning to feel different. I had begun having these apnea like occurrences in my sleep where my throat would close off and I would give out a big snore. That was an enormous wake up call for me. Having lost the recent weight, this has gone away.
My motto has been to “plan to succeed”… I always have a plan to get thru any event etc. I am keeping it very simple. When I eat more spontaneously like dinner at a friend’s house, I have some elbow room to eat extra because I have been so overly cautious the rest of the time as long as I am eating things that are within my plan.
This isn’t forever. Eventually I will get to a more maintenance phase where I can eat more liberally and aim to maintain the weight. I might take a break at a certain point and maintain before jumping into the next phase. That break won’t be until at least 130 though, so I am a way's off.
I think I might weigh again tomorrow but I am afraid to. I hold onto this NUMBER... "11 pounds lost" like the holy grail... and I am terrified that the next time it will show a gain. I hate the way the scale has that kind of emotional power over me (and most people I know). When I did Weight Watchers, I weighed once a week, the day of the meeting, and that was it. That is what they encouraged back then.
So right now the question is.. what to do with this raging hunger? Do I sit it out for 30 minutes and see if I feel any different then? If not then eat..? I have some diet hot cocoa.. maybe that might take the edge off.
Have I mentioned where I am buying my supplies from? I am ordering from a company called Diet Direct and the brand name of the meal replacements I am using is Wonder Slim. If you order 79.99 you get free shipping. If you order 99.99, you get a free blender bottle that has the round wire whisk in it great for mixing up the shakes. I have done atkins shakes, some other low carb brand I can't remember (a few initials), some brand I got at Costco also low carb hi protein.. I have to say these shakes are the absolute best. And they are only 100 calories each. I was worried that just water and powder would make for a bland shake, but it has an almost unset pudding like taste to it (in fact, if you use 4 ounces of water instead of 8, you can make it into a pudding instead). I did buy some personal blenders so that I can keep one at work and make it into a real milkshake, but I haven't tried that yet. I HAVE however filled my bottle with ice and then enough water to reach the 8 ounces and the powder and that has a really really nice effect. My biggest complaint is the lack of variety of flavors. I have basically been subsisting on mocha, chocolate, chocomint, and strawberry yogurt. I have a plan though.. I would like to look into buying some high quality flavorings.. maybe from watkins or such.. and making my own flavors. If you are one who needs things sweeter, then you can use the DaVinci splenda sweetened syrups for lattes.
I bought some meal replacement bars and they are a nice option for when you really need to chew something or are on the go. I got some soups and also some low cal snacks (salt and vinegar chips I have tried so far). What is different about these products instead of ordinary diet foods at the grocery store is that these are all high in protein. What I hate most about diet foods is that they have no nutritional value at all and they leave me feeling very unsatisfied. I had a 1.2 ounce bag of sea salt and vinegar protein chips for 130 calories and 10 grams of protein. That is as much protein as was in my lean cuisine today. Many of these products are designed for people who have had bariatric surgery and cannot eat a large volume of food but every bite counts nutritionally. I like that.
I have a wish that I would like to create my own portion controlled frozen meals that are made with, not white flour and rice etc, but brown rice, whole grain pastas etc. The key is to keep them portion controlled, packaged, and labeled for easy grabbing. I know I can do it. I know i can make it taste WAY better than it does. and i would use at least twice the vegetables.
Today i had cheese ravioli and put a packet of taco bell sauce on it and it tasted like an enchilada. Not bad :)
One last thing.. if the idea of spending 99.99 at Diet Direct freaks you out, the way I see it is.. I used to eat out at lunch around 2 times a week and sometimes more. That alone adds up to at least $60 a month. My frozen dinners cost around $2 apiece which is also far less than anything I would eat out. And to me, to feel prepared is worth it. I feel in control and I am not afraid I am going to be caught without what I need. The Wonderslim shakes come to about 1.57 each while atkins shakes cost about 1.50 each but are 160 calories each. Give this a try.. you will be surprised how much better and more filling they are.
That's all for now..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)