Being a Parent (nothing to do with Weight Loss... sorry)

I remember when the most challenging thing about being a parent was overcoming the fear some evil stranger was going to snatch my innocent toddler from a park (and I had park phobias), finding ways to address every type of cry (usually fixed by nursing), eliminating the foods that made my kids act whacko (yes, extended family. Keep joking about it, but Jake really WAS sensitive to corn products and they DID make him hyperactive and completely unable to focus, but if it gives you things to poke fun about... keep at it)

I love my kids. All three (plus) of them and I love their personalities, uniqueness, and their strong mindedness. I can see how those qualities are going to make them into tremendous adults. But it effing is not easy. I feel like a complete and utter failure most of the time. I try to be open with them and keep all lines of communication open.. nothing is taboo... and yet i keep the line drawn so they have their boundaries and privacy... and it is still friggen HARD.

I remember all the vows I made before I became a parent.. my ex and I were "that type" of parent that said "OHHHHHH when WE have kids, OUR kids will NEVER xyz" just like every other non parent who thinks they know how to parent better than the rest of the world. Ever notice how the very best parents are the ones who have no kids?

Then there were the toddler stages when the "threes" hit (extended breastfeeding delayed the terrible twos to the threes) where i thought life was SO CHALLENGING. Parents of teens would smile knowingly and say in that really annoying way "OH wait until you have teenagers... the toddler years are a cake walk" and my chuckling inwardly saying "OH when * I * have teenagers, we are going to have a really close relationship and they will fee free to talk to me about anything and we won't HAVE those kinds of issues"

Don't you just love the taste of your own feet?

My job.. you know... the one i get paid for... is a very demanding and challenging position. I work very very hard at that job. And when 5 ish hits and i get in my truck and drive home, my real job begins and that job is twenty times harder. I have measurable milestones at my paying job that demonstrate how I am doing. Is the billing out on time? did we get that great project we went after? Have I gotten the payables out on time? Is everything running smoothly? Are our clients happy? Are the engineers happy? Is there a nice supply of calc paper? Check. payroll? done. 401k? Uploaded. Bills? Paid. Sheri can now shut down the computer, lock the HR drawer and go home.

Then the nonpaying job that have no accolades or pats on the back begins. Trying to instill humane moral values into my kids to make good choices... trying to keep my kids from tearing each others throats out... refereeing conflicts in such a way where I am not controlling but trying to help them learn negotiation skills. Trying to encourage respectable language when I myself swear like a friggen sailor. Trying to build a sense of empathy toward others including respect for each other, respect for women (for my sons) and respect for me and how intensely demanding my life is so that I don't fall apart when I walk in the door from a 10 hour day or so and find the house in utter disgusting shambles.

One of the hardest parts of this stage of parenting is the concept of individuation. I am a smart woman. I know what this means and how important this stage is for (particularly) adolescents and teenagers. I respect it. I have encouraged it. But i cannot deny that it rips my heart out when I see my kids begin to pull away from me and put hedges around themselves as they experiment and develop who they want to be as separate human beings from me and who I have attempted to mold them into (loosely). When my kids might not want to share with me who they have a crush on or if they are or are not dating someone. What their moral structure looks like.

One of my children, whom i respect and trust immensely, made a choice recently that freaked me out. Honestly, when I was their age, I was doing thing so far worse and risky that I hesitate to even mention it. And I realize that those days of holding their hand and watching them like a hawk in the park/playground so no lurking predator has any chance to go near them... are over. I have to let some slack out on the rope and allow them to test the boundaries and learn what is safe and not safe and what kind of person they want to be. And it is hard.

My kids have always been very headstrong and opinionated people... from birth. I have three "fire sign" children: Aries, Sagittarius, and a Leo. Holy hell. And you know what? I really value their qualities. I respect people who have strong opinions and feel confident enough to express them. I have instilled into my kids from DAY ONE that I expect them to speak respectfully to me (and others) and to this day, when I say their name they are not permitted to say "yeahhhh?????" but are required to reply "Yes, Mommy?". I know. Sounds really anal doesn't it? I value respectful communication. But I have never been a big fan of "first time obedience" or "Do as i say because I said so, that's why". I want to raise kids who think. If they don't agree with me or my choices, they are allowed to respectfully approach me with their thoughts. As long as they are respectful and speak calmly, I will listen. And there have been many times I have been willing to reverse my decision or negotiate a different solution if their input makes sense to me.

I am emotional tonight. I have had a few hard moments where i am realizing my kids are hitting ages where I made major milestone decisions. My oldest will be 17 soon.. the same age I was when I graduated high school and went off to college... and I still see him as my little Jakey who likes to play with Mylar helium balloons and watch Arthur. hayley will be 14 next month.. the same year I became best friends with two women I am still super close to... and I had already done some worldly sampling. My kids are far more innocent than I was and they are really really good kids. Jared at 11 1/2 still loves to snuggle me and kiss me in public. They all still call me Mommy SOMETIMES.

I know that I am not really failing and that some of my off the wall emotions are coming from "old things" I am still working through. I just felt a need to discharge a bit on what this feels like for me. I love my kids so much. I hope they really can feel that and know that and that I am not coming off as some impossible to please hard-ass.

I guess that's all I've got right now. Just had to get it out.

~S