All I Can Do Is Look Ahead. What Other Choice Do I Have??

I can cry, whine, complain, bemoan my failures, but all I can do is push forward. What are my other options? I can't continue as I am. My health is falling apart.

I have been trying to follow a low carb diet the last three days. I have been mostly successful and I am pleased with how it has gone. I have to wait until payday to fill my fridge with things I can eat easily, so for now, I am having to scrounge for things that are OK. I am not writing anything down as of now. I feel good that I have something I am working toward and that I have three days behind me.

All I can do is hope and plan for this time to be the time I actually succeed. I have seen that I do really well and can be faithful and dedicated, but that I don't stick with it long enough to see serious results. Last year at this time I lost 15 pounds but then went on a trip and never went back on the plan. It took a while before i started gaining weight back,but obviously I eventually put it all back on.

I really have no idea what plan I should be on long term. I have a friend that lost 115 pounds on Dukan. I have another friend who lost 85 pounds by using a nutritionist-based diet plan. I like eating organic plant based foods. I like eating low carb. I like the idea of eating anything I want but counting points. But I need to pick a plan and go with it. Right now, I am doing low carb. One day at a time. Maybe i will weigh myself tomorrow for kicks. I just need to stay on this plan and plug along even if i see 1/2 pound loss every other week. Had i done it that way last year, I would be at or close to my goal right now, slow or not. I'd be there.

Anyone on this train with me? I so much appreciate all the camaraderie and like minded empathy. This is freaking hard. But what other choice do I have???

When is Enough Enough?

Seriously. When IS enough enough? I cannot tell the number of times I have thought to come and blog.. to say "HEY! I am trying again!".. to say "I am trying YET again.." to say "I am tired of trying and not succeeding"... it is really humiliating. I am a person used to succeeding when I put my mind to something and this is one thing I simply have not been able to conquer this time around.. or these last several years. Maybe I am just giving up too soon? Maybe the things I have done in the past no longer work? I know that there have been times I have given it a 200% effort and have been nearly immaculate in my adherence to a plan and seen little or no loss. After 2 weeks on a drastic plan and seeing less than a pound loss, why continue? I get pissed off and quit in righteous indignation. And then I gain weight.

This is not a post laden with optimism and renewed vigor. This is me saying that I cannot bear to continue trying fruitlessly AND my body has begun telling me over and over again that it cannot continue to sustain my health.. maybe even my LIFE.. at this weight. One by one, things are breaking down in my body. At 4'10", i have less tolerance for excess weight than those much taller than me. At my estimation, I need to lose one third of my body weight right now. Just typing that out makes me want to cry.. or go home and climb under the covers and hide.

1/3 of me needs to go.

Can you even imagine how daunting that feels? I don't even want to TRY. And yet, right now, i am convinced if i don't, I will die. Maybe not DIE die.. but i will lose good health. I will likely see each of my body systems fail.

I just want to crawl in a hole and cry cry cry.

This is not just about vanity, but believe me there is plenty of that. I am plenty vain. I have a fridge magnet that reads "I am only superficial on the outside". This is about me living... how about thriving??

I do not know what to do. I have hit that place where I just do not know where to go or how to get where I need to go... and yet I know if i don't, I will not continue on. Rock bottom?

If someone would just give me a solid plan. "If you do AB and C, then you will arrive at Z" I can do that. Tell me what will work and I can do it. It is the try try try and see little to nothing no matter how rigidly i stay on plan that makes me just quit.

What needs to go in my life in order to make this a top priority?