What the hell week am I on anyhow?

I can’t remember the last number I had posted. I have started two or three new posts and have lost them, so here goes my third try.

At last weigh in, I had lost a total of 7.8 pounds. Since then, I had my son’s birthday Chinese buffet dinner (where I tried to stay as close to plan as possible, but.. ) and my company Holiday dinner (I deliberately chose to go off plan “within reason”.. I indulged more than I had planned to). It has been VERY difficult getting back and staying back on plan since then. I have been craving heavy foods constantly and once you dip your toe in compromise, it becomes easier and easier to justify. I am really TRYING to stay on plan and, for the most part, I have been successful. My biggest downfall has been that I have stopped writing everything down and I need to begin doing that again. I have begun adding some frozen fruit to some of my shakes and one or two shakes per day, I allow either low calorie coconut milk (not the canned kind, but the kind in the soy milk/rice milk/almond milk category) which is about 50 calories per cup OR I blend in ¼ cup of low fat cottage cheese into the shake. I have no idea how that has played out calorie wise.

This morning I did force myself to weigh in and I had gained 1.6 pounds from the last time I had weighed. I think this is reasonable considering the two dinners out and the one dinner at someone’s house AND this being my hormonal “week before”.

So my current goal is to start writing every little thing down again and stop guessing and hoping I am within my range.

My best motivation is looking at pictures of myself even two years ago (when I was horrified about how much weight I had gained but was still much smaller than I am now) and renewing my commitment to stay on track.

I have to say I HAVE noticed a marked difference between the Aspertame shakes and the Sucralose shakes. I feel like crap when I drink the former and fine when I drink latter. Aspertame consistently gives me headaches and I get a weird sensation on the roof of my mouth. I have always gotten that from aspartame. Plus, I am currently consuming a shake and occasionally I am getting these horrible tasting crystals that taste like a chemical cleanser. I cannot imagine what it could be, but let’s face it. Both sweeteners are some artificial chemical process and it stands to reason that, given the right circumstance, they might degrade back into their chemical components. It is nasty when it happens and it makes me feel duped like I THINK I am consuming something that tastes good, but really it is some horrible chemical experiment that makes my body think it tastes good when it really has the flavor of Drain-O. The things we do to conform to societal standards..

I am discouraged because I want to already be 25 pounds down. All I can do is keep on.

Famished

Last night I hit “famished”. It wasn’t too horribly bad.. but a good dinner didn’t satisfy me and left me hungry later. For dinner I had baked winter squash, fresh brussel sprouts and catfish nuggets cooked without fat, simmered in some water , drained, and then finished with a small sprinkling of corn meal, shredded coconut and drizzled with some lite coconut milk (simmered). It was very nice! I ended up making a later night diet shake with ( a diet shake mix and) a frozen banana and ¼ cup of cottage cheese blended. It was VERY filling and satisfying. I also ate about ¼ cup of the cottage cheese (additionally) on its own. I began today with hunger pains and feeling hungry earlier than usual.

My new shakes arrived this morning and, due to my gnawing hunger, I have been able to try two of the new flavors. The flavors are REALLY good, but I have to say I am not super impressed with Sucralose over Aspertame. We’ll see if it gives me nasty headaches also. So my solution today is to have a shake when I am hungry. I will have a nice big salad at lunch and hopefully a nice filling healthy dinner. If I allow myself to get super hungry, I am going to topple over and I want to avoid that even if I go over my caloric allowance by a bit for a day or two. Remember that I had been expecting a few days of ravishing hunger following a few days of not eating many calories last week.

I have chosen not to weigh myself since Sunday.

Due to interfering life and lack of an established routine, I have still not gotten on my treadmill. I am going to have to find a way to make it part of my daily life somehow while still feeling like I get SOME down-time before the lights go off. I USED TO get up at 5:30 and go to the gym twice a week before work. I should be able to do this.

I need to be patient and let things work. It WILL work if I stick with it and don’t quit. This time around, I really really do not want to fail no matter what happens in life. I am hoping the people in my life will encourage me and spur me onward even when I start making excuses or resting on laurels of recent loss.

I am trying to plan for the upcoming holiday season. This Saturday is my office Holiday party at a local chic Italian restaurant. I am trying to anticipate how to handle it.. avoid bread and pasta (at an Italian restaurant.. oy).. maybe allow myself to lightly sample appetizers and avoid dessert. Since I am not drinking, that cuts out calories tremendously. I have thought through allowing myself a modified meal off plan for upcoming events with limits. One night of maybe 3 latkes.. and then be done with it. One meal of a compromised special dinner with limits.. and be done. I know how to make things work.. I ask for extra vegetables in substitution for the starch.. I choose the healthier protein option that is not drenched in cream and cheese.. I avoid the bread basket or allow myself a small nibble and be done with it.. etc. If my mind is determined, I can do it. If I can vow to do twice the exercise for each modified meal, I can probably counterbalance.

The key is to acknowledge that I am not being “ripped off” or missing out on anything. This is a choice I am making to be happier with my skin suit and my health. I can try Josh’s dessert, taste it, and be done. I am doing something much better for myself by working hard at this NOW so that my life can feel more enjoyable to me in the future. I do NOT like existing in a fog of shame and regret.

Meanwhile, the season for coworkers fattening each other up with shared goodies has begun. My desk is situated so that most of the goodies are placed directly in front of me. Today, there is a tub of caramel toffee scones sitting in front of me. I am handling it fine, but I let everyone know that I will probably relocate the goody location to another spot in the office from this point forward. I only have so much willpower!

So I am considering this period of time sort of “coasting”.. just doin’ the stuff and waiting for noticeable results. When clothes begin to fit me better and ultimately when I can begin wearing clothes that have been on hiatus for some time.. I will be a lot more encouraged. Until then, the scale is my barometer, unfortunately.

I have REALLY appreciated and enjoyed the feedback/encouragement/notes I have been getting more than anything else. Please keep commenting and writing.. follow the blog.. let me know how you are doing etc. I cannot tell you enough how much it has and does sustain me and prod me onward.

Enjoy today..

Peeking out from behind the "Meh": Beginning of Week 2

Yesterday marked one full calendar week from the day I weighed myself and spun out into despair over the reality of the fact I totally undid all the hard work I had done last Winter.

Yesterday morning I weighed 6.4 pounds less than I did a week ago. I don't really care if that weight was water, fat, heart tissue, or alien implants.. I am simply happy that it is gone and that I have tangible proof that what I am doing is having any sort of impact at all. And if you doubt the relief of losing water you have been retaining, you are likely not a woman with intact reproductive organs.

This past weekend, I didn't really write things down and keep track.. I just continued on with what I had been doing. I will re-create it and do it today just to see where I ended up. I don't want to do that very often, because I find that we tend to underestimate and under report what we eat. That said, I ate a big elaborate salad for one of my two "real food" meals both days and yesterday my love made me an egg white omelet cooked with very little fat and lots of veggies with just a bit of grated cheese for flavor. I haven't been doing well with water. My plan is to do what I had done before and make a big container of water flavored with citrus, a few berries and slices of cucumber.. like you enjoy in the lobbies of good hotels.

I am blasting through the leftovers of the shakes and pudding mixes I had last go around trying to keep things interesting. I have been using the pudding mixes as shakes by just adding more water. That only works if you add things to it including splenda otherwise it is icky. I had a caramel pudding blended into a shake with a frozen banana on Saturday and it was really good.

My splenda-based shakes will arrive on Wednesday. I have been having around 3 shakes a day plus two produce and lean protein based meals. I am aiming to remain at or below 29 Weight Watcher points plus points and at or under 1200 calories per day.

The person whose plan I follow (loosely) eats 9 meals a day with the goal to keep her metabolism up. She has 7 shakes a day and two meals at around 250 calories each. I have been having 3 shakes that often are made with 1.5 packets of the shake mix for a bigger shake. I might try her plan just for size. So to speak.

I feel pretty stable in terms of being on track with the diet plan. Next step is getting my exercise routine in place as routine. Rockstar Treadmill has been set up and I have looked upon it lovingly but have not mounted and conquered it yet. My goal is to start this evening.

My hope is to see a total of at least 10 pounds lost by next Sunday. I am hoping that adding exercise will help make that probable.

One more thing I am trying to focus on right now is to dress as though I am already beginning to look like myself again. Do you tend to dress the way you feel? I looked in the mirror at myself this weekend.. dressed in a coffee-stained oversized white man's T shirt and jeans.. no makeup with hair up in a frazzled messy ponytail.. and I thought about how much my partner must love me. So last night at seven PM.. I did my makeup and hair and put on a cute colorful outfit and greeted him like we were going out on a date. Score! I am going to begin trying to dress as though I was already approaching my goal weight (not in clothes several sizes too small!) but as though I was happy with how I look and not trying to hide.

I Hate Aspertame

Day 4 Thursday

I really do not like Aspertame. It isn’t because I like sugar and it isn’t sweet enough. Au contraire. I just hate the cardboard-ish way it tastes and the crappy way it makes me feel. It is not meant to be consumed.. I know this instinctively. I am really eager for my shakes (sans Aspertame) to arrive.. but they aren’t expected until next Friday. Not sure what I am going to do since I am going to have LONG run out of shake packets before then. I guess I am going to have to find an interim plan until they arrive. And, by the way, those shakes contain Sucralose.. and I realize that is merely the lesser of two evils.

Right now I am “enjoying” a mocha cream shake with three floating frozen strawberries (serving as flavorful ice cubes) and a dash of Frontier brand Raspberry flavoring. So a chilled Raspberry mocha if you will. Won’t you? No?

Really. These shakes are SO much better than they could be. The best I have tried so far.. and they are only 100 calories per envelope. I tend to make a 12 ounce shake using 1.5 envelopes. Sometimes at night, I will make a vanilla based one with some frozen fruit. I did buy a mini blender to keep at work, but I keep forgetting to bring it.. plus I have no ICE.

On the new WW plan, fruit is “free”, but I am still keeping track and eating it sparingly. They have made it “free” because “nobody is at WW for abusing apples” .. but fruit is still calorie rich and I am one who likes to eat a lot of veggies anyhow. I think they are trying to encourage people to eat fruit instead of low or zero point no nutrition foods like fat free pretzels etc.

Day 4 found me at just under my weight watcher point limit and at under 1050 calories. I did not tally it up until this (Friday) morning and simply ate to satiation mindfully. Usually when I eat “low” for a few days, I have a day or two of feeling positively famished, so I am anticipating that this weekend. I chose not to weigh myself this morning (Friday) because I was afraid of seeing the pound loss go away.

Treadmill not set up yet, so no exercise started.

Feeling less “meh”.. more in control.. knowing that I will feel significantly lighter within a week. Just plugging along.

Combatting Shame

Wednesday (Day 3)

I am not sure how, but I am nearly back to my starting weight from when I began the journey last February. Well.. “how” is because I stopped trying and then Unbridled Thanksgiving happened. I cannot even begin to state how exasperated I am to have to start over instead of, had I even moderately attempted to stay on some sort of plan, I would be finished by now. I am also really embarrassed that I “failed”. I think that is the hardest part for me.. that I embarked on this journey.. I publicized it.. made a big deal about it.. then I failed.

Granted a lot of life happened in the interim, but everyone has stuff going on in their lives. Boo hoo.. ya know?

So anyhow.. I am humbly back.. embarrassed, bloated, discouraged.. bla bla bla.

I spent some time yesterday re-reading old blogs I posted hearing how encouraged I was.. how happy I was to lose that 16 pounds.. how dedicated I was. I revisited the Impatient Dieter’s site to get re-inspired by her modest effort-mammoth results and I regrouped my mindset. I have had three successful days now. We bought a really decent treadmill last night and as soon as it is set up, it will become my intimate companion. I have ideas. I placed an order for the replacement shakes (now without aspartame!) and have been mindful about my eating choices. I have even researched the new-ish Weight Watchers plan and am keeping two counters: calories and points trying to stay on track with both. Why am I doing that? I am not sure.. because I know that WW has worked for me in the way past.. because I feel that if I had, at the least, stuck to slow-moving Weight Watchers, I would have at least lost about a pound a week in the past 24 weeks.. and because I am not fully certain I WON’T decide to simply do WW. I don’t know.

Thursday (Day 4)

Yesterday was a meh day and I ate probably half of what I should have. This am showed a loss of about 3 pounds from the day before and 4.6 pounds from when I weighed on Sunday afternoon. I am under no illusion this is anything more than water and I am fine with that. I am not even excited, to be honest! Meh.

I am back to meal replacements this week (about 3 a day) with produce/lean protein meals (two a day). While I did place a new order for aspartame-free shakes, the ones I had leftover from before are riddled with the crap and I am having nonstop pounding torturous headaches. The good thing is that, even though I am not “feeling it” in terms of “wahoo.. I am on track! Doing the weight loss thing!”.. I AM, nonetheless, doing it. When some results catch up with me, I will begin to feel it.

I stopped drinking (alcohol)back in early September, so that will be a significant advantage this time around. Once our rockstar treadmill is set up, I will be using it daily which will also be a significant advantage.

I have received a few side notes from friends empathizing with my struggle and identifying feeling the same way. Some are women in my same “place in life” .. mid to late 40’s.. approaching the first glimmers of menopause.. seeing that all those things that worked in the past don’t work anymore.. feeling frustrated, embarrassed, shamed.. depressed. All are accomplished beautiful women who do things that would positively astound you. Women of character and integrity raising amazing children.. doing fantastic things in the world. Fun, beautiful, witty, snarky women. Feeling shame because there are too many pounds hugging their curves.

Absurdity. Who decided that pounds determine worth?

So right now I am sipping on a concoction.. vanilla crème shake with a sprinkle of (a free sample sent to me by same company) “(high protein) tangy orange drink” making a sort of “creamsicle” shake with a few chunks of (previous frozen) mango floating in it. It is tepid and uninspiring (I have no ice cubes),but it is my meal and that is that.

Pressing on..

Studies on Meal Replacement Plans

I got a lot of flak last time I did this plan.. relying heavily on low calorie protein based meal replacement shakes. I justified it saying that this was just for now and that I know how to eat healthy etc. Turns out there is some good science behind this method and I should probably apologize less. My father lost nearly a hundred pounds using (a different) meal replacement plan and has kept it off for over 20 years. When he needs to, he goes back on his shakes until he loses the weight he needs to.. and he exercises daily. For years he kept track in a book of every bite he put in his mouth.

The person I have "followed" whose plan I have modeled after has kept off her 100 pound weight loss for three years now.

I am planning on combining this with Weight Watchers and keeping track of "points" as well as total calories so I can get an idea of what I need to be eating.



Meal Replacements For Weight Loss

What Is A Meal-Replacement?

A meal replacement is a portion-controlled, prepackaged meal, shake, soup or drink that contains approximately 100 to 200 calories and is used to replace an entire meal or snack to help you reduce your total calorie intake and thus lose weight. These include nutritionally fortified shakes, snack bars, and low-calorie meals.

The weight loss shakes and bars are usually low in fat and calories, with about 100 to 200 calories, 2 to 5 grams of fat, about 10 to 15 grams of protein, various vitamins and minerals, and up to 5 grams of fiber.

Our Weight Loss Plan uses delicious medical-grade meal replacement shakes, bars, soups, fruit drinks, hot beverages, dessert puddings and lite entrees that are specially designed to provide optimum nutrition for weight loss.


How Do Meal Replacements Work?

Meal replacements help people lose weight by providing a controlled amount of calories, protein and fat in a prefixed portion. They simplify meal planning because they are convenient -- easy to store, and requiring little preparation. They are also reasonably prices, usually costing less than the meal they replace. Meal replacements reduce the number of decisions you have to make about what to eat and reduce your exposure to tempting foods that might result in overeating.

Many effective weight-loss meal plans that use meal replacements recommend either using them in addition to eating 1 or 2 healthy "grocery" foods meals, or replacing 2 or 3 meals and 1 snack per day to lose weight, and then replacing 1 meal per day to maintain weight.

Using a meal replacement instead of an entire meal or snack can help you to reduce your calorie and fat intake and your blood sugar levels. When you first start using meal replacements, you will likely notice an immediate reduction in your blood sugar levels because you will probably be consuming fewer calories and less carbohydrates than you would with your usual meal.



How Effective Are Meal Replacements?

Recent studies show that meal replacements have an important role to play in the diet of anyone who wants to lose excess body-fat and build healthy lean muscle.

A good example comes from a study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. Researchers from the University Hospital of Ulm in Germany assessed the effects of low-calorie diet combined with meal replacements on weight loss in a group of 100 obese patients.

Half of the group followed a self-selected diet of 1,200 to 1,500 calories per day, which included three meals and two snacks. The other half followed a similar self-directed diet except that they replaced two snacks and two of the three meals with meal replacements (shakes, soups or hot chocolate).

After three months, the people on the self-selected diet lost an average of 2.9 pounds, while the people using meal replacements lost an average of 15.6 pounds.

After the first three months, everyone was asked to replace one meal and one snack per day with a meal replacement. Over the next 24 months, original self-selected diet group lost an average of nine additional pounds, and the original meal replacement group lost an average of another seven more pounds. At the end of the study, the self- selected diet group had a 5.9 percent weight loss, whereas the original meal replacement group had an 11 percent weight loss.

Another study by researchers from the University of Nevada report similar results. Women using meal replacement supplements were able to maintain a far greater weight loss over the course of a year than those using other methods to control their weight.



Other Selected References on Meal Replacements

In general, published studies and references have concluded that diets including meal replacements (portion-controlled, calorie-restricted meals) produce substantially greater weight loss and weight loss maintenance than traditional diets.

On average, more than three times as much weight is lost and maintained using meal replacements as compared to traditional diets.

Meal replacements can be used successfully in a variety of settings and with various treatment populations - e.g., by individuals alone, in structured groups, with or without professional support, and with all medical co-morbidities.

Importantly, meal replacements also improve dietary compliance and overall nutritional intake, and they reduce all measured medical risk factors. Following is a sample of meal replacement references.


Research/Studies: General Weight Loss Success


Blackburn GL, Rothacker DQ. Ten-year self-management of weight using a meal replacement diet plan: comparisons with matched controls. Obes Res 2003;11:A103.

There was a 32.6 pound difference between individuals who used a meal replacement plan over 10 years compared to matched controls. Those using meal replacements lost an average of 6 pounds over the 10 years; those not using meal replacements gained 26.6 pounds. Participants were only given information on the use of meal replacements to lose and maintain weight - no other instruction was provided.

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Heymsfield SB, van Mierlo CAJ, van der Knaap HCM, Heo M, Frier HI. Weight management using a meal replacement strategy; meta and pooling analysis from six studies. Int J Obes 2003;27:537-549.

This meta-analysis of six studies found significantly greater weight loss in subjects using partial meal replacement plans (PMR) vs. conventional reduced calorie diets. The dropout rate was equivalent at 3 months but significantly less in the meal replacement group at one year. The authors concluded that "our findings demonstrate the important potential of well-developed PMR products and plans as a means of weight control."

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Ditschuneit HH, Flechtner-Mors M, Johnson TD, Adler G. Metabolic and weight loss effects of long-term dietary intervention in obese patients. Am J Clin Nutr 1999;69:198-204.

In a prospective randomized study, obese patients who used four meal replacements per day (two meals and two snacks) for three months lost five times more weight than those who were on a conventional low-calorie diet (15.6 pounds vs. 2.9 pounds). Both groups then used two meal replacements (one meal and one snack) and, on average, all continued to lose weight long term (24-month maintenance phase). Additionally, by the end of the study, both groups experienced significant reductions in blood pressure, glucose, and insulin.

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Bray GA. Treatment and secondary prevention of obesity (editorial). Nutr 2000;16:384-385. Hill JO. Long-term weight control with meal replacements (editorial). Nutr 2000;16:385.

In these two editorials the authors supported the effectiveness of meal replacements as a simple and minimal intervention. As Bray noted, the long-term results imply that "the subjects were continuing to treat themselves, which is the hallmark of success for primary treatment of obesity and for secondary prevention of weight regain". Hill concluded that, "in this study, a minimal intervention [i.e., meal replacements] had a significant impact on body weight". Commenting on the practical value of meal replacements, he stated that "we need to evaluate more of these 'real-life' interventions that have the potential to be translated into other settings".

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Wadden TA, Berkowitz RI, Sarwer DB, Prus-Wisniewski R, Steinberg C. Benefits of lifestyle modification in the pharmacologic treatment of obesity. Arch Intern Med 2001;161:218-227.

In a one-year randomized trial of 53 obese women, those who used meal replacements for four months in conjunction with group lifestyle modification and obesity medications lost four times more weight than women who used medications alone (36.5 vs. 8.4 pounds).

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Rothacker DQ, Staniszewski BA, Ellis PK. Liquid meal replacement vs. traditional food: A Potential model for women who cannot maintain eating habit change. J Am Diet Assoc 2001;101:345-347.

Seventy-five overweight women were randomized to either a recommended 1200 calorie/day diet of low fat foods or a similar diet with at least one meal replacement per day for one year. There was no other intervention. After 12 weeks, the meal replacement group lost significantly more weight than the diet group, and, after one year, the meal replacement group maintained their initial weight loss whereas the traditional diet group regained most of their weight loss. "In this study, having food consumption controlled at one meal was enough to keep the weight from coming back."

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Allison DB, Gadbury G, Schwartz LG, Murugesan R, Kraker JL, Heshka S, Fontaine KR, Heymsfield SB. A novel soy-based meal replacement formula for weight loss among obese individuals: a randomized controlled clinical trial. Eur J Clin Nutr 2003;571514-522.

One hundred obese patients using five meal replacement shakes a day (along with fruits and vegetables) lost significantly more weight after 12 weeks than those following a conventional low calorie diet. The meal replacement group also had a greater change in total and LDL cholesterol.

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Ryttig KR, Rossner S. Weight maintenance after a very low-calorie diet (VLCD) weight reduction period and the effects of VLCD supplementation: A prospective, randomized, comparative, controlled long-term trial. J Int Med 1995;238:299-306.

Fifty-two patients who had used a VLCD for 12 weeks were then randomized to a 1600-calorie maintenance diet - one group with and one without the inclusion of two daily liquid supplements. After one year, the group using two daily supplements kept off more of their weight loss than the group using no supplement.

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Meal Replacements Safely Used in Type 2 Diabetes

Redmon JB, Raatz SK, Reck KP, Swamson JE, Kwong CA, Fan Q, Thomas W, Bantle JP. One-year outcome of a combination of weight loss therapies for subjects with type 2 diabetes. Diabetes Care 2003;26:2505-2511.

Overweight individuals with type 2 diabetes lost significantly more weight and improved diabetes control with a combination therapy that included meal replacements compared with a standard weight loss program.

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Yip I, Go VLW, DeShields S, et al. Liquid meal replacements and glycemic control in obese type 2 diabetes patients. Obes Res 2001;9(suppl 4):341S-347S.

Fifty-seven patients with type 2 diabetes used either meal replacements (two meal replacement shakes and one portion-controlled dinner high in fruits and vegetables per day) or a calorically-restricted diet (American Diabetes Association Exchange Diet) for 12 weeks. Both diets results in significant weight loss demonstrating that meal replacements can be used safely for weight loss in obese type 2 diabetics. The meal replacement group had greater weight and fat mass loss and reductions in fasting glucose compared to the ADA group.

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Li Z, Hong K, Thames G, Minutti C, Heber D. Meal replacements but not individualized exchange plan diets result in reductions in C-reactive protein (hsCRP) levels in obese patients with type 2 diabetes. Obes Res 2003;11(suppl):A50.

Meal replacement use resulted in greater weight loss over 24 weeks than individualized diet plans in obese patients with type 2 diabetes. This resulted in significant improvements in C-reactive protein, insulin sensitivity, and lipid levels.

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Reynolds LR, Konz ED, Frederich RC, Anderson JW. Rosiglitazone amplifies the benefits of lifestyle intervention measures in long-standing type 2 diabetes mellitus. Diabetes Obes Metab 2002;4:270-275.

Patients with long-standing, poorly controlled type 2 diabetes requiring insulin therapy participated in a 6-month structured program incorporating meal replacements (three shakes and two pre-packaged entrees per day), fruits and vegetables, and physical activity. The average weight loss of 20.2 pounds led to substantial reductions in multiple cardiovascular risk factors along with a 14.1 unit/day average decrease in insulin dose and an average decrease in HbA1c of 1.2 percentage points.

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Reynolds LR, Konz ED, Frederich RC, Anderson JW. Rosiglitazone amplifies the benefits of lifestyle intervention measures in long-standing type 2 diabetes mellitus. Diabetes Obes Metab 2002;4:270-275.

Patients with long-standing, poorly controlled type 2 diabetes requiring insulin therapy participated in a 6-month structured program incorporating meal replacements (three shakes and two pre-packaged entrees per day), fruits and vegetables, and physical activity. The average weight loss of 20.2 pounds led to substantial reductions in multiple cardiovascular risk factors along with a 14.1 unit/day average decrease in insulin dose and an average decrease in HbA1c of 1.2 percentage points.

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Meal Replacements Used Successfully in a
Variety of Settings

Ashley JM, St. Jeor ST, Schrage JP, Perumean-Chaney SE, Gilbertson MC, McCall NL, Bovee V. Weight control in the physician's office. Arch Intern Med 2001;161:1599-1604.

A primary care office intervention that included brief physician/nurse visits and the use of meal replacements was as effective as a traditional group intervention without meal replacements. Furthermore, overweight women using meal replacements in a traditional lifestyle-based group lost more than twice as much weight and maintained significantly more of the weight loss after one year than women not using meal replacements. The average weight loss in the meal replacement group was 9.1% of initial body weight, with substantial improvements in medical risk factors.

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Winick C, Rothacker DQ, Normal RL. Four worksite weight loss programs with high-stress occupations using a meal replacement product. Occup Med 2002;52:25-30.

Nearly 500 employees in four different occupational groups who used meal replacements (shakes and nutrition bars) on their own, lost an average of 16 pounds in 12 weeks. The retention of weight loss was considerable , particularly in the airline personnel, 2/3 of whom had retained >80% of their weight loss after one year, and half of these weighed less than at week 12.

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Cho S, Alberding J, Sadler B, Johnson KJ, Clark C. Worksite weight loss program with meal and snack replacement system: twelve week results. Am J Clin Nutr 2002;75:383S.

Employees at a worksite were randomized to a 1200-calorie/day diet or a similar caloric meal replacement plan. The meal replacement group lost more weight and showed greater reductions in systolic blood pressure and cholesterol. The participants found the meal replacements "made a weight loss program simple and easy to follow."

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Goffhelf L, Ringie L, Jacobsen D. Coaching a weight loss group over the telephone: a successful treatment option. Obes Res 2003;11:A84.

Participants in a phone-based weight loss program incorporating meal replacements (3 shakes and 2 pre-packaged entrees per day) lost an average of 16 pounds in 6 weeks or 7.5% of initial body weight. These results were virtually identical to those of participants in a clinic using the same weight loss program.

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Meal Replacements Improve Dietary Compliance, Nutritional Intake, and Reduce Risk Factors

Ashley JM, St. Jeor ST, Perumean-Chaney SE, Schrage JP, Bovee V. Meal replacements in weight intervention. Obes Res 2001;9 (suppl 4):312S-320S.

In the second year (maintenance) of an earlier study, women using meal replacements maintained more weight loss than those not using meal replacements. Those using meal replacements within the structure of a lifestyle group maintained significantly more weight loss (8.5% of initial body weight) than all the others. Furthermore, women using meal replacements in the group showed an increased intake of micronutrients as well as significant increases in vegetable and fruit servings .

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Flechtner-Mors M, Ditschuneit H, Johnson T, Suchard M, Adler G. Metabolic and weight loss effects of long-term dietary intervention in obese patients: four year results. Obes Res 2000;8:399-402.

In a continuation of an earlier study, two meal replacements (one meal and one snack) daily were effective in maintaining weight loss and sustaining healthy eating (reduced energy, fat, and cholesterol intake) for a period of four years. "From the health point of view, the most important observation is that continued use of a meal replacement strategy can improve several important biomarkers of disease risk for an extended time" (e.g., glucose, insulin, lipids, and blood pressure). Furthermore, the continued use of meal replacements prevented weight gain in those who dropped out and then re-entered the program.

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Rothacker DQ, McPartlan L. Improved intakes of calcium with reduced fat in adults using one daily meal replacement shake. Obes Res 1999;7 (suppl 1):96S.

Food diaries were analyzed on designated meal replacement days (using a meal replacement shake for the first meal of the day) and control days for 117 adults. By simply adding one meal replacement shake a day , a significantly greater percent of adults (52% vs. NIH's estimate of 19%) were able to meet the 1000 mg/day guideline for calcium. The average daily intake of calcium increased by almost 300 mg, while calories and fat were consistently lower.

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Metz JA, Stern, JS, Kris-Etherton P, et al. A randomized trial of improved weight loss with a prepared meal plan in overweight and obese patients. Arch Intern Med 2000;160:2150-2158.
This year-long, randomized, clinical trial to test the effect of a prepared meal plan on weight loss included 302 patients with hypertension and dyslipidemia or type 2 diabetes. "The results demonstrate that the prepared meal plan is more effective in inducing weight loss in such subjects than a macronutrient-equivalent UCD (usual care diet). The greater weight loss in the prepared meal plan group likely reflects, in part, better dietary compliance and thus, greater sustained reductions in energy and fat intake. Furthermore, the prepared meal plan was more effective in improving multiple risk factors and in enhancing quality of life.

...........................................................................

McCarron DA, Oparil S, Chait A, et al. Nutritional management of cardiovascular risk factors. Arch Intern Med 1997;157:169-177.

The purpose of this muticenter trial (see also Metz above) was to assess the clinical effects of a total dietary plan designed to meet the nutritional recommendations of major U.S. health organizations for cardiovascular risk reduction. The use of prepackaged meals for 10 weeks was compared to a nutritionist-guided self-selected diet in people with hypertension, dyslipidemia, diabetes, or a combination of these conditions. The prepackaged plan resulted in greater clinical benefits, weight loss, nutritional completeness, and compliance than the self-selected diet. Most significant was the impact of the food plans on achieving simultaneous reductions in multiple cardiovascular risk factors.

...........................................................................

Mattes RD. Ready-to-eat cereal used as meal replacement promotes weight loss in humans. AJ Am Coll Nutr 2002;21:570-577.

A ready-to-eat cereal, used as a portion-controlled meal replacement twice a day for two weeks, led to lowered calorie intake and therefore, greater weight loss as compared to control groups. This study lends further support that meal replacements provide "a conceptually simply regimen, high palatability, relatively low cost, and wide availability."



The results of these studies suggest that meal replacements are a very effective weight-loss strategy both short and long term.

Making Peace With My Body

After 45 years in this skin suit of mine, I would hope that, at this point, I would have made peace with the vehicle I have been given, but I have not. Even back at a size 4 in high school at 100 pounds hating myself for not being 90 pounds (yes, really) to now at my “highest weight ever by a long shot not having just had a baby”. Frankly, I am not sure I was consistently this size after having my third child.

From the divorce diet (How the hell am I going to survive??) to the newly single diet (Holy hell.. someone might see my naked body) to the GZ diet (what the hell just happened???) to the ongoing formerly single diet (It is imperative for me to always look hot) .. at some point I got tired of the whole need-to-be-thin-and-hot game and got off the merry go round.

I am SO fortunate to have a wonderful and evolved partner who genuinely appreciates the figures of real women and prefers women curvy. And I know he will never love me less if I gain or never lose and he won’t love me more if I attain my “goal weight” even if I clearly look better one way more than the other.

Regardless, * I * am not evolved enough to accept myself as is and am extremely distressed about where I am at. It isn’t just an appearance thing.. I am too small to carry as much extra as I am and I just am not comfortable and my back hurts a lot etc. I am frustrated because instead of doing the longer term slow plans I know work for me, I have opted to do quick loss methods that are not sustainable through things like trips and holidays (unlike plans like Weight Watchers where you can eat whatever you want as long as you plan for it and make adjustments). Had I done Weight Watchers when I embarked on a serious “this is it. I am done with this weight thing” last February, I would be solidly at my goal weight by now. I have had at least three “that’s it, I am done with this!” moments and I keep wondering how many more “Day One.. again”’s I am going to have.

I have tremendous will power and resolve. I have done a 30 day juice fast. I have eaten raw vegan. I have subsisted on all whole foods cooked from scratch.. and I have done many other things that required significant resolve and strength and have succeeded. I graduated with a 4.0 for my post bacc degree while raising three young children alone with very little support and no family and while working grunt jobs on the weekends. Yet I feel like an utter failure because I cannot attain and maintain a weight I desire. I hate this about myself and about our culture in general. I hate that I judge myself, not by my accomplishments or the love I enjoy from the people in my life, but by how much weight I have gained in the last three or four years. It is pitiful and shallow.

But still.. I will embark on yet another weight loss journey and hope that * this time* I will succeed and get to a place I feel happier and more “like me”. I hope that I won’t feel like a better person or a more worthwhile valuable person in doing so, but instead just that I simply feel better. So here goes. Again.

Starting Over and Over Again

Found the scale. Well, Prince Charming found the scale. I am 6 pounds below my starting weight from the last go around. Well.. I guess that is 6 pounds less that I have to work off.

I have started a low carb plan. I do plan to do the Dukan diet once I buy the book, but for now, I am simply focusing on low carb. I have had some success with that in the past (Atkins) but not a ton. I am too short to be able to eat all the protein and fat I want. But I wanted to start somewhere and I have and I am glad I am doing what I am doing.

I do not like the idea at all of going every other day without veggies. That does not feel in any way sustainable to me.. so I am not sure how I am going to handle that. I guess my choice is to lose fast or to live reasonably.

I am usually someone who, when I set out to accomplish something, I am successful with it. I have a lot of willpower and stamina to meet my goals, so the fact I did not end up succeeding with this thing I started last February is very discouraging and embarrassing to me.

I started a bellydancing class a few weeks ago and love it. I wish it was more than once a week.

Time to start all over

I will leave the excuses behind. I am wearing my fat pants today and I barely got them on. Not the "uber fat" pants that I never ended up wearing, but the ones that left a red gash across my stomach... and eventually became baggy again. Now I barely got them on this am.

I am frustrated. I am NOT surprised. None of my behaviors int he last several months in any way resemble "dieting" or "being cautious". I guess I just must have gained it all back, but the scale will tell.. when I find it in all the moving boxes.

I do not want to do the diet I tried before. I don't like eating a diet of mostly fake sugars and artificial ingredients. I liked seeing weight come off, but it was expensive and unhealthy. I understand they are now making the shakes without aspertame, but again.. not sure I want to go there. I will consider it.

What I would like to do is go back to eating mostly produce with lean protein. I did a low fat, low carb, low calorie diet a few years ago and dropped my size a lot (I didnt' have a scale) and was happy with how it was working. During that time, I did continue to drink alcohol (glass of wine a night etc).

I know a few people who have dropped a big bunch of weight using Dukan system. To me, it looks an awful lot like Atkins add bran. I am sure it would work, but I am not sure I want to go there and restrict my veggies and the way I can cook my protein. It isn't THAT far off from what I listed above, but I haven't read the book. Anyone with experience on that?

I am open for suggestions. I failed this last attempt. Take Two.

I will start Day One when I have found my scale and can weigh myself and when i figure out what I will be doing. Right now I am marinating in my own self pity and feeling very uncomfy in my too tight in the waist jeans.

Humbly yours,

S

No GAIN??

Yesterday I braved the scale after not going near it for almost a month. I have been off my plan since before my trip back east. I was shocked shocked shocked to see that my weight was exactly the same as the last time I checked. 15# loss remains apparently. How shocked am I????

Now what to do from here. I am not sure I want to continue on the artificial fake food shake thing. I have had chronic fatigue issues exacerbated from

starting that plan and I am wondering if the artificial sweetener/preservatives triggered that. I am not used to consuming aspertame.

I confess that i think my scale is lying to me (as usual), but it does support my theory that I do ok with maintaining my weight loss.. my problem lies in GETTING it off which is why I am willing to go to drastic measures to do that.

Here is a recent picture taken this past Saturday meeting an old friend for the first time in 29 years.

Where to go from here...

Welcome to the CHATEAU PLATEAU

Miss me? Cause you know if the pounds were melting off I couldn't keep my mouth shut right?

I hit the dreaded plateau. I haven't stepped on that lovely silver scale since the last time I blogged. Aside from my one year anniversary dinner with Josh, there have been all these "occasions" where I felt either the obligation or "right" to eat outside of my plan. I have hit a plateau and i was PISSED OFF about it.

This last month i was supposed to have dropped another 15 pounds, remember? DIDN'T. Maybe i even gained a few pounds back. I wouldn't know. I am not on speaking terms with my scale.

But you know what? SO THE EFF WHAT. I just decided that. Is my self worth based on whether or not I drop 30 pounds before my trip "back home"? HAYELL NO. Am I any less of a wonderful human being if I am not a lower weight than I feel I should be? No. Do my children love me and value me any less ? No. Does Josh love and desire me any less? A resounding NO. My worth is not based on a number on a scale. I am still eating my twiggy cereal for breakfast, having diet shakes, salads and lean cuisines for lunch and reasonable dinners. ahem... and some alcohol. I have darkened the door of my gym FIVE whole times i think. And I am proud of myself.

Wanna know what else? Those girdle-ish undergarments I always wear under my skirts an work clothes? I don't feel like I am compelled to wear them every single day. sometimes i don't' wear any at all and i am ok with that. And that is a really big step. I look thinner from the side. i see it. Some days my skirt zips up like greased lightening and other days it doesn't. But I believe i am making progress and I am choosing to be OK with that.

It's been a really intense week for me but that is for a different blog. Tonight I just need wine. It has been a low calorie day and my dinner is a big salad... and i am having two glasses of King Estates Pinot Gris. And i am enjoying every sip.

I am checking in to say I am a human being who doesn't always have a peppy positive thing to report. It has not been a successful month number wise. But in the month of March I celebrated: 7 years post divorce. 4 years at my job. 1 amazing wonderful blissful year with Josh. And those are the things that matter in life more than my waist.

That's all I got. Looking ahead.

~S

Day Who Knows

i haven't weighed myself in many days. The last time I did, I showed a gain. The nexttime i showed a gain. the next time (same morning) I was showing what my last weight was. CRAZY MAKING.

I feel good about the level of "staying on plan" i have done. I am not seeming to be losing. I have had a few strenuous workouts (as in walking at full speed without running on treadmill) and maybe tht contributes to the lack of scale loss. I am trying to wear less and less baggy things. Today i am wearing one of my work wardrobe staples and I see a difference from the side.

I celebrated our one year anniversary with my partner Josh on Sunday and pretty much ate what i wanted. We shared a LARGE Ribeye, side of ribs, a salad, nd some broccoli. OH. and a "drink me" two fisted size Hef with extra lemon.

The downside of the meal was sheer caloric content and portions. The upside was that I was able to limit myself to one roll (Roadhouse hot rolls with honey butter. Could YOU resist?), a few small forksful of Josh's mac and cheese anda few of those nasty onion strings. the GOOD news (sort of) is that it was my only meal of the day.

I am convinced (or justifying) that you need to have a day like that interspersed with your diet plan or you won't be able to stay with it long term.

I wish 20 more pounds would just DROP OFF.. but it is just going to take a while.

Meanwhile, there is a gargantuan pile of butter, sugar and pastel food dye sitting within my olfactory senses (WHY do they put the sweets directly in front of me??!!) and i am not even tempted by this sweet pastel easter looking mass of ass-ness.

So on the weekend, I tried on my "pre-fat" jeans. The ones I haven't been able to wear in at least 6 months or so. I got them on and wore them all day. Now THESE ones leave the red surgical looking scar across my tummy, but dammit.. I got those pants ON. My other jeans that i judged my progress by how they fit each casual friday are actually loose in the waist now. "Don't stop Believing.."

I am dealing with, what seems like, chronic fatigue. I am now getting "sick" weekly with body aches, sore throat, utter exhuastion, and head aches. I don't know if the diet is causing this, releasing bd toxins, or if this is my new level of malaise.

What can I say? I have no choice but to keep on. I have some modification ideas that will involve an awful lot more effort than I am currently needing to use. I would like to start juicing in the morning again I eat 1/3 cup of bran buds and about 3/4 cup of Kashi Go Lean with 1/4 - 1/2 cup of unsweetened soy milk for thing inthe morning to cover my fiber needs.

A wonderful dear person who is reading this blog offered me her treadmill. YAY! I really think that will help for those days I just can't go to the gym (whihc is usually LOL).

So really nothing else to say except that I am here checking in. I am continuing to state my weight loss at 16 pounds. I continue to hope for at least anotehr 15 pound loss before my trip in April.

Sincerely,

S

Being a Parent (nothing to do with Weight Loss... sorry)

I remember when the most challenging thing about being a parent was overcoming the fear some evil stranger was going to snatch my innocent toddler from a park (and I had park phobias), finding ways to address every type of cry (usually fixed by nursing), eliminating the foods that made my kids act whacko (yes, extended family. Keep joking about it, but Jake really WAS sensitive to corn products and they DID make him hyperactive and completely unable to focus, but if it gives you things to poke fun about... keep at it)

I love my kids. All three (plus) of them and I love their personalities, uniqueness, and their strong mindedness. I can see how those qualities are going to make them into tremendous adults. But it effing is not easy. I feel like a complete and utter failure most of the time. I try to be open with them and keep all lines of communication open.. nothing is taboo... and yet i keep the line drawn so they have their boundaries and privacy... and it is still friggen HARD.

I remember all the vows I made before I became a parent.. my ex and I were "that type" of parent that said "OHHHHHH when WE have kids, OUR kids will NEVER xyz" just like every other non parent who thinks they know how to parent better than the rest of the world. Ever notice how the very best parents are the ones who have no kids?

Then there were the toddler stages when the "threes" hit (extended breastfeeding delayed the terrible twos to the threes) where i thought life was SO CHALLENGING. Parents of teens would smile knowingly and say in that really annoying way "OH wait until you have teenagers... the toddler years are a cake walk" and my chuckling inwardly saying "OH when * I * have teenagers, we are going to have a really close relationship and they will fee free to talk to me about anything and we won't HAVE those kinds of issues"

Don't you just love the taste of your own feet?

My job.. you know... the one i get paid for... is a very demanding and challenging position. I work very very hard at that job. And when 5 ish hits and i get in my truck and drive home, my real job begins and that job is twenty times harder. I have measurable milestones at my paying job that demonstrate how I am doing. Is the billing out on time? did we get that great project we went after? Have I gotten the payables out on time? Is everything running smoothly? Are our clients happy? Are the engineers happy? Is there a nice supply of calc paper? Check. payroll? done. 401k? Uploaded. Bills? Paid. Sheri can now shut down the computer, lock the HR drawer and go home.

Then the nonpaying job that have no accolades or pats on the back begins. Trying to instill humane moral values into my kids to make good choices... trying to keep my kids from tearing each others throats out... refereeing conflicts in such a way where I am not controlling but trying to help them learn negotiation skills. Trying to encourage respectable language when I myself swear like a friggen sailor. Trying to build a sense of empathy toward others including respect for each other, respect for women (for my sons) and respect for me and how intensely demanding my life is so that I don't fall apart when I walk in the door from a 10 hour day or so and find the house in utter disgusting shambles.

One of the hardest parts of this stage of parenting is the concept of individuation. I am a smart woman. I know what this means and how important this stage is for (particularly) adolescents and teenagers. I respect it. I have encouraged it. But i cannot deny that it rips my heart out when I see my kids begin to pull away from me and put hedges around themselves as they experiment and develop who they want to be as separate human beings from me and who I have attempted to mold them into (loosely). When my kids might not want to share with me who they have a crush on or if they are or are not dating someone. What their moral structure looks like.

One of my children, whom i respect and trust immensely, made a choice recently that freaked me out. Honestly, when I was their age, I was doing thing so far worse and risky that I hesitate to even mention it. And I realize that those days of holding their hand and watching them like a hawk in the park/playground so no lurking predator has any chance to go near them... are over. I have to let some slack out on the rope and allow them to test the boundaries and learn what is safe and not safe and what kind of person they want to be. And it is hard.

My kids have always been very headstrong and opinionated people... from birth. I have three "fire sign" children: Aries, Sagittarius, and a Leo. Holy hell. And you know what? I really value their qualities. I respect people who have strong opinions and feel confident enough to express them. I have instilled into my kids from DAY ONE that I expect them to speak respectfully to me (and others) and to this day, when I say their name they are not permitted to say "yeahhhh?????" but are required to reply "Yes, Mommy?". I know. Sounds really anal doesn't it? I value respectful communication. But I have never been a big fan of "first time obedience" or "Do as i say because I said so, that's why". I want to raise kids who think. If they don't agree with me or my choices, they are allowed to respectfully approach me with their thoughts. As long as they are respectful and speak calmly, I will listen. And there have been many times I have been willing to reverse my decision or negotiate a different solution if their input makes sense to me.

I am emotional tonight. I have had a few hard moments where i am realizing my kids are hitting ages where I made major milestone decisions. My oldest will be 17 soon.. the same age I was when I graduated high school and went off to college... and I still see him as my little Jakey who likes to play with Mylar helium balloons and watch Arthur. hayley will be 14 next month.. the same year I became best friends with two women I am still super close to... and I had already done some worldly sampling. My kids are far more innocent than I was and they are really really good kids. Jared at 11 1/2 still loves to snuggle me and kiss me in public. They all still call me Mommy SOMETIMES.

I know that I am not really failing and that some of my off the wall emotions are coming from "old things" I am still working through. I just felt a need to discharge a bit on what this feels like for me. I love my kids so much. I hope they really can feel that and know that and that I am not coming off as some impossible to please hard-ass.

I guess that's all I've got right now. Just had to get it out.

~S

Day 48. Really?

Really? I have to admit I have not gone NEAR my scale in a long time. I am afraid to. I keep having dreams that I have gained all my weight back or that I have been cheating on my diet.

I had a massive cataclysmic meltdown on Friday night about what I believe to be my lack of progress. I cannot deny that I am a number girl and I absolutely need to see a huge number difference to avoid meltdowns.

I am going to have to agree to weigh myself by Tuesday morning at the latest. if there is no change or even a gain then I am going to have to take some extra measures. First: No more alcohol. Originally I said I would have maybe one glass a week and I am back to one a day. Secondly, I am unfortunately going to have to get really AR about staying on plan. Shakes and salads. I either want to see drastic change or I am willing to wait the long haul on this. I can't do both.

I have been awful at writing things down. I think on my splurge days I have been around 1500 calories. On my good days, I am between 800 and 1200. I have been awful about water again.

I have to just admit that i feel like an utter failure. I really really want to see a 30 pound loss before my East Coast trip and I am terrified I won't. When I say terrified... I am not exaggerating. I have to be willing to be more drastic if a number is this important to me.

So I am posting a picture taken on Friday evening after having my hair done. Do you see a difference? Be honest. NOT from the uber awful day one picture that never really looked like me... but the others. I have a boyfriend who loves my body the way it is and I cannot go by his opinion. I wear the same baggyish body concealing clothing and people just cannot tell in real life so far.

I really really need encouragement. Shouting out to you all. PLEASE send me some inspiration and encouragement.

Thank you,

Sheri

Day 42 and the HOWS

So I am feeling a little glum today for a variety of reasons (only partly because it is Monday and the first day of three that I won't see my bf at all after not really getting any time alone on our "two out of four days a month we have to ourselves". It's just the life of being conscientious single parents and it's all good, but still... I really need those four days a month.

So I am really struggling with the fact that my scale says I have lost 15 pounds and my brain (and to some degree my body) are telling me it is a lie. I honestly have concocted this belief that my scale has been able to consistantly and coincidentally lie to me that I have lost weight when I haven't. So I am a smart girl and I know that I have lost the weight. I know I have a ways to go. I just want to see my efforts already resulting in fitting back into my old jeans and not feeling UGH. I really really need to see a significant sudden drop pretty soon. It isn't as though I am going to quit, but sometimes when i see how hard I am working and how much I am sacrificing, I want to be back to the old me NOW.

The reality is that I am losing about a half pound or so a day. I have cut that many daily calories.

Oh that reminds me. I keep getting asked "how are you doing this?" I realize that not everyone is going to go back and re-read all of my blog posts, so in short.. I am doing a very low calorie diet that is high in protein and fiber and relatively low in carbs and fat. My initial goal was "EASY without a lot of thought and choices". I don't have much spare time and that spare time i do have i am pretty wiped out. I have what I consider to be a demanding job, do a lot of volunteer work in my industry, am a single primary custodial parent of three children (two teens and one preteen) and am in a serious relationship with a man who has two small chilren. Life is busy.

I have found that a lot of my bad decisions had been coming from lack of planning, last minute grab-its, and portion control, so I designed a diet based on portion controlled easy to grab meals that required nearly no thought and was relatively affordable. I have modified this diet as I have gone along based on what I feel my body/life/taste buds needs, but I started off basing my meal plan on Wonder Slim low calorie meal replacement shakes (they are 15 grams of protein and 100 calories and taste better than any other diet shake i have ever had). I was having a lean cuisine type frozen meal for lunch around 250 calories and a dinner of usually a big salad with lean protein, or lots of vegetables and a lean protein, OR (since I have felt run down a lot lately) homemade (fat skimmed) chicken broth soup with meat and vegetables.

Along the way, I realized I needed more fiber and fresh food in my plan, so i have been eating fewer shakes and more produce. I recently bought some Kashi go Lean cereal that has the same amount of dietary fiber as that nasty twiggy all bran and I eat one cup for breakfast with about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla soy milk. I try to drink at least 72 ounces of water a day but try to hit upwards of 90-100. I haven't been hitting that lately.

Further along the way, I decided to try some other products to add variety to my diet from the same place I order my shakes (Diet Direct) and have some sugar free chocolate, protein bars, hi protein crunchy snacks, instant high protein soups, and hot cocoa. I use those items when I am feeling like I absolutely need SOMETHING DIFFERENT.. but really.. if i am feeling desperate for "real food" i just plan for it and eat it. Just like when I was in Weight Watchers and would say "no.. there is nothing that i can't eat.. I just have to plan for it".. it is the same now. Some things simply aren't worth it to me and I don't even bother, but last night, for example, I had one piece of real chocolate from a Hershey's Pot of Gold box for 50 calories and I enjoyed every small nibble I took from it. You can't do this long term if you are contantly in deprivation mode.

Also, I haven't been writing things down on the weekends. I mentally keep track and figure that i will probably reach the upper end of my calorie limit or even go over some, but I am so faithful during the week it is OK. By the way, "upper range or over" is closer to 1500 than any gargantuan number. Right now I am aiming for 800 to 1000 calories a day.. because i am four foot ten and my body needs drastic and not moderation.

So that is my plan. I eat as much fresh produce as I want because I think that is the healthy way to eat. If a bowl of steamed cauliflower puts me over my calorie limit, I don't care. I think my body is better for eating it than not.

So that is that. The good the bad and the ugly. I think tomorrow is time to step back on the scary scale again and see if I have made any number progress. I will report in as soon as I have. Meanwhile, I am trying to just stay on track and keep my brain negativity in check. I didn't put it all on in a month and I can't take it all off in a month either.

Back to work..

~S

NAILS B!TCHES!!!!!! (also Day 38)

What can I say? This am the scale read 159.2. That is 15.3 pounds OFF. So i made an immediate appointment to get my nails done... you can't really tell in the picture, but the tips are metallic black with silver sparkles and they look HOTT!! I forgot how very much I love nails! I am having a very hard time relearning to type and text with them though!!!!! Ah well. The price of vanity.

Someone told me today that maybe the reason people cannot notice my weight loss as much is because i wear baggy concealing clothing. Perhaps.

Trying to think what I will incentivize for the 20 pound mark... pedicure? Jewelry? New Boots? Hmmmmmmmmm.

All for now.

Day 37 - another pound lost and keeping on keeping on..

So it is Day 37 late at night and I should be sleeping. It's been a rough week mostly, but I am still on task. I have weighed myself two times and got a 160.2 reading. So I am very close to my mini goal of 15 pounds lost and off to get a really awesome set of solar nails put on. Maybe even with sparkly gold tips.

I am feeling a lot of mixed feelings. I mean.. WOW. 14 pounds in 37 days. That is GREAT. Right? And I am still really impatient and sulking because it wasn't 20 or 30. Whatever. But the real thing that is causing me the greatest conflict? Read on..

Used to be, if i gained or lost 5 pounds, that was a full pants size for me. I am really small and there aren't a lot of places for my weight to go. Now I have lost almost 15 pounds and I really do not think it is all that noticeable. My boyfriend diplomatically says he "notices some"... but i really don't think people can tell. And I just don't get that. How can I lose almost 15 pounds and nobody really be able to tell? Have i hit that place... that frumpy place where 10, 20 pounds... you still are that chunky girl.. maybe less chunky? Maybe more? But i am not used to losing 15 pounds and not dropping several sizes.

I tried on the size 10 jeans I had been wearing just months ago (I think?) and they still don't fit.

I do see changes in my face. I look in the mirror and I think "oh yeah... there I am..." Do you know what I mean? My face had gotten older and tired looking with the extra globular weight I had recently put on. I didn't recognize myself in pictures. Now I look in the mirror and I am beginning to see myself again.

I am not quitting. I have diversified my program to some degree. I have placed another Direct Diet order to include some pudding mixes that I hope I can make into shakes... simply because of flavor variety. I ordered some diet chocolate.

I bought some Kashi cereal with just as much fiber per cup as those All Bran nasty twigs... and i really like it! I am having one cup in the morning first thing with about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla soy milk. I need fiber in my diet badly. I am also having a piece of fruit instead of a shake in the afternoon. Sometimes I have a frozen lunch entree and sometimes I just have a shake. Lately I have been getting a big salad at Market of Choice and eating half of it for lunch and the other half for dinner.

I notice that I eat more on weekends. I am still conscious of WHAT I eat and of portion control. I haven't been writing things down on weekends. I guess that is sort of my "cheat time" even though it really isn't cheating per se.

I have tried the diet high protein hot cocoa and I like it. It isn't nasty watery tasting like a lot of powder mixes. The variety is helping me stay interested. I am having to work really hard on keeping up my water intake. Today I had 76 ounces.

I have also been allowing myself a glass of wine more often than I ought to. I am not quite sure what to do about that. I am not super proud to admit this is hard for me to quit. In a perfect world, I would allow myself a glass of wine once a week as a treat, but it is becoming a daily thing again.

The weather is turning nicer again... it got up to 60 today in Eugene. I walked briskly to a lunch meeting (and had only water) and it felt really good. If only I could get myself back on a routine... I just cannot afford a treadmill right now but I know that if i had one in my room, I would be using it almost daily.

I like that my clothes feel better on me now. I am beginning to look slightly more narrow from the side. And someday soon, I will be able to break back out all the wonderful work clothes I have amassed and outgrown over the last several years.

So I am moving forward. I am still going. A vendor brought a box of really great cookies to the office yesterday and, while they sat directly in front of me, i wasn't even remotely tempted. When my head is in the game, I really am not tempted. I brought a whole bunch of them home for the family and I am not even slightly tempted to sneak one.

So I hope that the next time I post I will have a picture of me with stunning gold tipped nails to boast my 15 pound mark. I am really really wanting this. SO badly.

How is everyone else doing?

Day 31 and Inspired

OK Wow. Right now it is 7:45 pm. I actually weighed myself about 40 minutes ago or so. Who does that in the middle of the day? I did. I knew that I would be showing food in my system etc... but I just wanted to see. And I showed a loss from 163.2 to 161.8. How surprised was I???? I am newly inspired.

I set a mini goal. When I hit 159 point anything, I will get my nails done again. I have let them go natural for many months now and I have been dying to get them redone. But I am going to wait until i break into the 150's. And now it isn't that far off!!! When I hit 159.5, that is a 15 pound weight loss.

I have mixed feelings. I am really encouraged on the one hand. On the other, I still feel SO BIG. I cannot believe I allowed myself to gain this much weight. Can I be honest? Part of me, I believe, did this on purpose. I didn't have a 20's stage... I was in a very conservative subculture in my early 20's and then got married. I never had a wild oats period really. So when I got divorced, I spent the end of my 30's and beginning of my 40's being 24 again. I did a lot of online dating and let me tell you... it was ALL about looks. Even I was incredibly shallow for a period of time. I think I got to a place where I was just so tired of feeling like I needed to be "hot" all the time and I just wanted to be a Mom, a friend, and grow in my career and stop feeling that pressure. I always hoped I would meet "the right guy" when I was NOT thinnish so that I would know he loved me for me. Behold. I met Josh close to the heaviest I have ever been in my life aside from being pregnant. He would probably actually dislike it if I lost too much weight as he prefers women with curves.

Anyhow.. now this is for me. He loves me and would love me if I never lost a single pound. He is proud of me for how hard I am working and the tenacity of my efforts. But I am not happy. Not because I think skinny is beautiful or the ultimate goal, but because I want to be at a healthy weight where I feel comfortable in my own skin... and in clothes. I do not need all this extra weight on me. It is not doing me any good. I do not need to be 100 pounds even though that weight falls into my goal range (according to many charts. I am 4'10"... I am supposed to weigh anywhere from 97 pounds to 120 according to Weight Watchers... and they are generous).

I am trying hard to stay focused on my successes and not on the long long road ahead of me. I remember losing 1/2 pound a week at Weight Watchers ... but losing 24 pounds to goal. I know that I am one step closer every day.

One of my longer range goals is portion perception. I realize that I seem to feel a need to eat large meals and frequently feel panicked that I won't feel full. I tend to make good low calorie "volume meals" like huge salads with some higher calorie stuff in them so that i have a huge portion to eat. This is a mentality I want to break out of. I know that when I have binged or emotion-ate, the stopping point is discomfort. I think this plan is helping with my portion perception and when I feel deprived, then a gargantuan salad is the solution. I guess it is progress when I feel like I really "pigged out" and realize that means I had a huge salad with avocado, olives, chicken, and artichoke hearts. I freak when I think that my dinner (including a glass of wine and a small wedge of hot bread with real butter) totaled close to 700 calories... but then I checked the calorie total for a Carl's Junior Portabello Mushroom six dollar burger and realize that alone is about 850 calories not including anything else. And that was just part of the dinner for one meal.

I really really hope I never let this happen again. I really really can't let this happen ever again.

Product Reviews:

I mentioned that I have been ordering mostly Wonder Slim products from Diet Direct. I like ordering from them because they have a lot of product reviews, free shipping at 79.99 and a free shaker bottle at 99.99 AND they throw in a small bag of samples with an order of 49.99 which helps me try other things. I have been getting slightly sick of the same three or four flavor shakes, so I bought some Kroger brand artificial flavorings last night. I got banana, coconut, and vanilla butter nut. Today I mixed a few drops of coconut into a chocolate shake. Nice. Late in the day i mixed butter nut into the vanilla. Eh.

The tomato soup I tried was simply nasty. It was workable with a few taco bell sauce packets, but seriously... for 100 calories.. it just didn't taste worth it. I think I would rather blend up some canned tomatoes and herbs and warm that up for a soup than eat some artificial powder that is TOMATO FLAVORED (there was not a single trace of anything tomato in the ingredients) that tasted like a scoop of whey powder mixed with a little marinara sauce. BLEH. The upside to these products is that you are not getting empty nutrition.. every item is high protein so you don't lose your muscle mass as you lose weight.

I don't expect diet food to be amazing. I expect it to be digestible and not nauseating :)

So woo hoo me. Someone help me get motivated to actually exercise again though!

Crap.. we are in March. Now I need to keep track of which day I am on... DAY 30

It was so easy in February since I started on February first!

I had a really low calorie day yesterday.. not necessarily on purpose.. I just wasn't very hungry.. I had a lot of nervous energy and my stomach was a little upset with just junk. Today I am FAMISHED. I am trying hard to reign it in but even after eating lunch I am really really hungry for real food, not just more shakes or a meal replacement bar etc. I am contemplating eating a second lean cuisine for about 220 calories because honestly I am probably going to end up eating it in shakes and other things trying to sate my hunger anyhow. May as well eat it in real food (so to speak).

I am beginning to be able to feel a real difference. My middle is much smaller and my face is beginning to look more like... me. Josh said he now can see a difference.

As for health.. I am definitely beginning to feel different. I had begun having these apnea like occurrences in my sleep where my throat would close off and I would give out a big snore. That was an enormous wake up call for me. Having lost the recent weight, this has gone away.

My motto has been to “plan to succeed”… I always have a plan to get thru any event etc. I am keeping it very simple. When I eat more spontaneously like dinner at a friend’s house, I have some elbow room to eat extra because I have been so overly cautious the rest of the time as long as I am eating things that are within my plan.

This isn’t forever. Eventually I will get to a more maintenance phase where I can eat more liberally and aim to maintain the weight. I might take a break at a certain point and maintain before jumping into the next phase. That break won’t be until at least 130 though, so I am a way's off.

I think I might weigh again tomorrow but I am afraid to. I hold onto this NUMBER... "11 pounds lost" like the holy grail... and I am terrified that the next time it will show a gain. I hate the way the scale has that kind of emotional power over me (and most people I know). When I did Weight Watchers, I weighed once a week, the day of the meeting, and that was it. That is what they encouraged back then.

So right now the question is.. what to do with this raging hunger? Do I sit it out for 30 minutes and see if I feel any different then? If not then eat..? I have some diet hot cocoa.. maybe that might take the edge off.

Have I mentioned where I am buying my supplies from? I am ordering from a company called Diet Direct and the brand name of the meal replacements I am using is Wonder Slim. If you order 79.99 you get free shipping. If you order 99.99, you get a free blender bottle that has the round wire whisk in it great for mixing up the shakes. I have done atkins shakes, some other low carb brand I can't remember (a few initials), some brand I got at Costco also low carb hi protein.. I have to say these shakes are the absolute best. And they are only 100 calories each. I was worried that just water and powder would make for a bland shake, but it has an almost unset pudding like taste to it (in fact, if you use 4 ounces of water instead of 8, you can make it into a pudding instead). I did buy some personal blenders so that I can keep one at work and make it into a real milkshake, but I haven't tried that yet. I HAVE however filled my bottle with ice and then enough water to reach the 8 ounces and the powder and that has a really really nice effect. My biggest complaint is the lack of variety of flavors. I have basically been subsisting on mocha, chocolate, chocomint, and strawberry yogurt. I have a plan though.. I would like to look into buying some high quality flavorings.. maybe from watkins or such.. and making my own flavors. If you are one who needs things sweeter, then you can use the DaVinci splenda sweetened syrups for lattes.

I bought some meal replacement bars and they are a nice option for when you really need to chew something or are on the go. I got some soups and also some low cal snacks (salt and vinegar chips I have tried so far). What is different about these products instead of ordinary diet foods at the grocery store is that these are all high in protein. What I hate most about diet foods is that they have no nutritional value at all and they leave me feeling very unsatisfied. I had a 1.2 ounce bag of sea salt and vinegar protein chips for 130 calories and 10 grams of protein. That is as much protein as was in my lean cuisine today. Many of these products are designed for people who have had bariatric surgery and cannot eat a large volume of food but every bite counts nutritionally. I like that.

I have a wish that I would like to create my own portion controlled frozen meals that are made with, not white flour and rice etc, but brown rice, whole grain pastas etc. The key is to keep them portion controlled, packaged, and labeled for easy grabbing. I know I can do it. I know i can make it taste WAY better than it does. and i would use at least twice the vegetables.

Today i had cheese ravioli and put a packet of taco bell sauce on it and it tasted like an enchilada. Not bad :)

One last thing.. if the idea of spending 99.99 at Diet Direct freaks you out, the way I see it is.. I used to eat out at lunch around 2 times a week and sometimes more. That alone adds up to at least $60 a month. My frozen dinners cost around $2 apiece which is also far less than anything I would eat out. And to me, to feel prepared is worth it. I feel in control and I am not afraid I am going to be caught without what I need. The Wonderslim shakes come to about 1.57 each while atkins shakes cost about 1.50 each but are 160 calories each. Give this a try.. you will be surprised how much better and more filling they are.

That's all for now..

Day 28 Pound Lost

Today I weighed at 163.2 which is a full pound from the last time I lost bringing me to an 11 pound loss. Yesterday I had showed a gain of 1 pound, today is two pounds less.

I am in a rancid mood with nothing positive to say. I like watching my tummy getting smaller. I like that as i was cleaning my room last night, I hung up that pants of "bona fide fat jeans" that i never ended up wearing knowing I never will have to.

I bought a few extra products from Wonder Slim to break up the monotony. I have some 160 calorie high protein bars for something to chew on and some instant cup a soup thingies that are high in protein. I haven't tried the high protein hot cocoa yet.

When people say their stomach is shrinking, (as in you need less food to feel full, not as in weight wise).. is that a real phenomenon or is it a psychological adjustment?

I need a treadmill. Anyone have one they are using to sling their laundry over and can get rid of it for a very reasonable price, please get in touch with me.

Drinking water today. Didn't meet my fitness goal again. My daughter wants to introduce me to yoga. It might be a nice bonding thing for us...she feels very helped by it and swears it has trimmed her down.

That's all folks. I don't want to bleed my nasty bad mood into this happy blog.


Ciao.

Day 26

Today is Day 26. In my fantasies, I would be about 30 pounds thinner today. In reality, I am ten. If you had told me that I would lose about ten pounds in one month and that most people would not really be able to notice a difference, I probably would not have embarked on the journey. That said, had I gone the traditional route (Weight Watchers etc) I would likely be under a 5 pound loss now, if that. The truth is that this is one fifth of where I want to be, so I am choosing to focus on the fact that i have completed one of five steps. If I complete my journey more or less in the next four months, then I will have lost 50 pounds before summer. And that is huge.

I weighed myself yesterday and my weight was exactly the same as it had been the last time I weighed. I was actually encouraged. In the very beginning I weighed myself a few times and got a sense of what the real weight was because it changed each time. I now am committed to step on the scale ONE TIME only and whatever it says, I am claiming. So when i saw the exact same weight, what it said to me was that it was a genuine one pound loss and not a glitch whatever the first weigh in happened to say the day I had weighed. Make sense?

How do I feel? I feel smaller in the middle. I keep looking sideways in the mirror expecting to see the small waist I used to have and sigh as I see the smaller version of what I had grown to be. I do feel a difference. I have a sense that I am about to turn a corner and will see a decent loss in the next week or so.

I have really dropped the ball on the workout thing. I walked one time this week and did the meager two flights of stairs to my appointment on Friday (I do several flights of stairs a few times a day anyhow at work.. but this was a change.. not taking the elevator when I normally would have). There is still tomorrow. There is still tonight if i feel up to it.

I am not drinking my water. I am not sure why I am having such a hard time with that lately. It could be because I haven't been feeling well and I don't like cold water when I feel sick.

I haven't been writing everything down like I had been. I think I have stayed pretty close to my maximum, but unless I keep track, there is no way to know. Homemade chicken soup is not on my plan and I have subsisted greatly on that the last week or more. I have no idea if i have had more than I should. All I know is that I feel like crap and all I want to do is get a lot of rest and drink warm liquids.. so I am going with that for now.

So that reset button I guess has been on "pause". I am just not going to beat myself up for not super excelling. I am really doing well. I have totally avoided almost all temptations (example of giving in: I had some golden beets/butternut squash/onions at my friend Daniel's house last night which was probably starchy and high in calories. Example of NOT giving in: I bought my kids some patisserie quality eclairs for dessert the other night and a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and i didn't as much as lick a spoon. I haven't taken a taste of anything I have felt was not OK for me to eat since the weekend I felt I had overindulged. I have really made good choices. I don't even feel badly about the dish (and seconds on it..) last night because it was organic fresh vegetables and, at most, it was higher in calories than I should have had, but I doubt I went over 1500 calories for the day.

So I am just checking in. Nothing outrageous to report except that I am keeping on. The alternative is to put the ten pounds back on and get depressed. Not going there. If in a month I have dropped another ten pounds, then I will be elated. I am still aiming for a 40 pound loss by the last week of April.

My wish: I wish I had a treadmill in my house for those days I just cannot get out of the house and I feel a modicum of inspiration to work out. My place is small. There really is no place for a treadmill.. but if i had to redo my room and get rid of something in order to have a treadmill in there.. I would do it. Anyone getting rid of a treadmill? :)

On the bright side, I am having a wonderfully relaxing weekend with my daughter watching movies we have wanted to see and just chilling. It is very well needed.

I hope you all are keeping on. A chuckle to the person who replied to my last post that I was RELIEVED that i was only sick and not hungry :) So true. Very sad!!!

~S at 165.2

Day 22: I am sick - not weak from hunger

Well that is a relief. My sore neck turned into sore throat glands, sore throat, body aches and exhaustion. What I assumed was weakness from low calories is just this nasty bug that won't go away.

Today i feel worse. It is a very very busy week at work and I cannot go home until I get the invoices into the mail and the beanbag is being used right now at lunch. Note to self: Buy my own beanbag for lunch naps! A fuzzy happy one.

This morning I weighed in at 164.2. That means a pound lost since day 15. One pound in a week. JOY. Or I could be the same as i was ten pounds ago.

Since I am not feeling well, I am just not hungry. I have had ONE shake so far and have a lean cuisine in the micro right now. Today will likely be a low calorie day simply because BLA!!!

I am eager to get my billing finished and maybe go home early and jump headfirst into a cozy bed... except my son has a strings concert tonight that I cannot miss.

Nothing prolific to say. Just needed to post the weight and clarify the weakness thing.

I have enjoyed SO MUCH getting the comments and emails from everyone. I agree with Karen that this is a lifelong choice. How I am choosing to take the weight off might not be a long term choice, but eating healthy and viewing certain foods as occasional treats rather than "regulars" is a lifetime choice.

I hope you all are staying healthy and rested. This is one persistant bug going around.

Let's Hit the "Reset" Button - Day 21

So major overhaul of the program. I am three weeks into it and i simply KNOW i haven't dropped much scale weight if any since the last time I weighed... what was that... day 15? I haven't been home where my scale is so WHEW. safe.

I think that if I didn't have "external goals" then what I am doing would be fine. I will lose weight gradually and that is ok. But because I have to make a big trip and wear the toothpick uniform NOT intended for short curvy girls .. I am in a hurry to lose a chunk in a relatively short amount of time. I can do this. I just need to adjust and accept it.

So I did a major slash of the calorie plan. Today I had five shakes spaced out about 2 hours apart (500 calories total) and am having a big salad with grape tomatoes, some avocado, chicken breast, and light dressing for dinner. I haven't calculated it out, but my aim is for about 300-400 calories for dinner.

Side effects? Wow. NO energy and very weak when I hit the end of the day. I collapsed in bed, put my feet up, and made my loved ones serve me dinner there LOL. OY such a princess. I am amazed at how much different I felt NOT having that Lean Cuisine type meal at lunch.

I did walk the deposit to the bank today.. about a 25 minute brisk round trip. The weather was gorgeous and the walk felt very good. Of course the banks are closed today, but I needed an excuse to get some activity.

I need to seriously step this up. I am serious about wanting to drop 40 pounds total by the end of April. Let's say I have dropped 9 already... I have 31 to go depending on what my scale reads now. Can I do that in 9 weeks? Maybe. It will be a lot easier if i start getting exercise more than 3 mild occasions a week.

Anyhow. I have hit the reset button. These last 20 days were valuable. I have already talked about the "mindset" and staying faithful. I hit a few speed bumps this weekend with some activities and a party but it could have been much much worse. some people believe that having one day with extra calories tricks your body and helps you to lose weight more efficiently when you drop back down. We shall see.

Not much more to say. I am having some great conversations with others in my same predicament working hard at making changes in their lives. I am working hard at not getting discouraged and focusing on the positive things. Remember that once you start, you are already winning the battle. If you make no changes, you are continuing on the path you are not happy with. Every small step is toward your goal.

When I did Weight Watchers for the first time around 1992-1993 or so, their weight tracker had this "yellow brick road" type thing where each step equaled a half pound or so. I went weekly faithfully and weighed in. I remember getting my first five and ten pound loss ribbons. Even though I lost a half pound at a time... I got to see on the little road map all those little half pounds adding up to a road leading to my ultimate goal weight. I think that I should make one of those for this time around too. I am so freaking impatient that a half pound would make me cry. But five half pounds is a 2.5 pound loss that is permanently off your body. Big events are made up of lots of small steps, choices, and decisions.

Can someone remind me of that when I come on here weeping over whatever the scale tells me? Please?

Success in your small steps to you all...

Sheri