Keeping on..

I now have a weight loss buddy. This helps to have someone to commiserate with . Saturday I showed a .8 pound loss. I also took all of my measurements. I also was somehow able to work in the garden two days in a row for about 8.5 hours total.. and I am not dying today or totally lacking energy. Could my health on the way up? I am fighting feeling like "Wow. Seven point whatever pounds? After a month? Really? Yippee.".. but I remember very well that even at such a slow pace, if I keep at it, in 6 months it will be all gone. So i continue..

Slow Loss is Nonetheless Loss

I braved the scale today. I am tired of cowering away from that stupid bully anyhow. This morning I actually showed a loss. A 1.6 pound loss. Meh. Fine. I went to enter it onto my weight loss progression log (read: yellow legal pad with numbers scrawled on it) and tallied up the actual total loss which ends up being 6.4 pounds. Meh. Then i realized that, despite believing I have been at this aggressively for pretty much an eternity, it has actually been one month. One month! So I lost 6.4 pounds in a month. In weight watcher world (in my past), that was normal for me. I also discovered that I have lost 3.5 inches in my waist during this time as well (the only measurement I took). So instead of whining that I am not losing any weight no matter how diligently I have stuck to my plan, instead I will say that I am experiencing slow but progressive weight loss. And as puny as that feels, All I have to do is remember that, had I kept this up and managed to lose 1.5 pounds a week since last February when I began this, I would have lost 78 pounds which is far more than I needed to lose. But NO. I had to see big giant changes at once or I just wasn't interested. Lesson learned. So I am still embarking on a no-name lower carb plan. I have been attempting to keep track of everything I eat via http://www.myfitnesspal.com which is a phenomenal tracking system. It even motivates me by saying "If you continue to eat this way, you will weight X pounds in 5 weeks." I like that. My challenge is always keeping track, particularly when I am no longer sitting in front of my computer at work. I am trying to lower my dairy consumption. I am not a huge dairy fan to begin with and I am thinking the fat i consume in the dairy products will be better served with coconut fat. I have been trying to eat fewer of the 'lower carb shakes add a little frozen fruit and half and half'. I am trying to use that resource when desperate. I still eat as many vegetables as I want. I still think it is insane to limit vegetables to see a quicker weight loss even though I know of someone who this has worked tremendously for and i respect her success 100%. One cannot argue with a 115 pound weight loss! Still, I cannot fathom a world without tons of vegetables regularly. Obviously I want this to move faster. I have decided I really am not willing to give up that nightly or every other night glass of red wine, so I will have to cut back on a different item instead. I am hoping that my health will continue to improve so that i can increase my activity without it making me more ill. I really would like to lose 40 pounds faster than 6 months. I would like to lose it in 3 months. Would I be willing to do a plan I don't love in order to get there? Food for thought. So to speak.

Scailure

.. is what I am going to call it when the scale shows I am actually GAINING weight now.

Yeah.. I am a bit depressed.

I can think of a few things that are probably going wrong. I have a habit of mixing up plans and forgetting that an item on one plan can sabotage another. Or maybe my body just needs some time to give up the fat ghost. I don't know.

I am doing low carb. I haven't been counting my carbs, calories, fat grams, points or anything. My body is very unforgiving and always has been even before kids and before 40. I have had a glass of red wine when I get home from work last few days. I said I was going to cut that item out, but we have been under some duress and I am coping with the sadness of losing a good friend to cancer (or the treatment of cancer, I should say). I also have persisted in adding tart cherries to my night time shake which should be around 4-5 carbs probably.

I have been having a low carb high protein shake at 10 am with water plus half and half or coconut milk. At lunch i typically eat vegetables (large plate of steamed kale and bok choy, spinach or a salad of red cabbage with sesame oil) plus some Lite Toby's tofu pate' or another protein (slices of organic turkey breast etc). I have another shake around 3 if i am hungry. If snacky, I have had some "sea snacks".. roasted nori with sea salt and a little olive oil. Calories and fat and carbs are negligible.. but it fills the salty savory snack need.

Dinner is usually a large portion of the vegetable du soir plus protein. Come to think of it, last night I had leftovers Josh brought home from a lunch meeting and there was a breaded protein in there.. hmmmmm.

Finally, I enjoy a dessert of a low carb shake blended with water, half and half and the 1/4 cup of frozen tart cherries and usually share it with Josh.

Sometimes there is more fat than other times in my diet, and other times, it is leaner. I am not counting fat right now. I do find that keeping fat in the diet keeps me more satisfied and less snacky throughout the day. My issues seems to be the cutting of corners like last night's whoops and the nightly glass of red wine (which seems to have about 4 grams of carbs on average per 5 ounces). A rough estimate is showing about 30 grams of carbs (not including vegetables and trace carbs in other low carb items). My shakes have 7 grams of carbs in them. Maybe that is too high for a low carb diet?

Seriously.. this is not a fat hatred thing and I am not looking to be skinny and lithe. If i took off the 30 or so pounds I have put on in the last several years, I would be so much happier and healthier. I can re evaluate then.

Who exactly am I pleading with here?..

Just Keep Swimming..

I haven't weighed myself in a while. The last several times I weighed myself, my weight remained at around the 5 pound lost mark. Josh thinks I should weigh myself about once a month so that I don't become a slave to the scale and a number progression.

I have two fears. I mostly fear that I won't lose weight and won't know I am not losing weight and I will lose precious time in changing up what I should be doing. I am also afraid that I will weigh myself and keep trying harder and not lose and then do what I typically do: "Well if I am trying so hard and not even losing, why am I doing this?" .. go off plan..and gain weight. I HAVE TO promise myself to stay on track no matter what.

I feel lighter around the middle regardless.

My first goal is simply to stay put on plan and not waiver. My second goal is to lose 20 pounds from where I am now. That was the weight I remember being when I began working with a trainer at the gym.. when i could NOT believe I had hit that weight mark.. that I had gotten so fat. That is a landmark for me, because even though i wasn't happy at that weight, I looked SO much better then and I have a lot of clothes i could be wearing right now. That was about 3 years ago.

My next goal is 20 pounds from THAT place. That is around the weight I was during a lot of my single years. I looked decent.. again.. I have a lot of nice clothes from that period of time and it was a weight I think I could be relatively happy with.

.. and if I want to continue on.. my next goal would be 10-15 pounds from that place. That is the weight I was at after doing a juice fast and also the weight I was at when I got divorced. I think I could wear a size 6 jeans then and look good in them. Anything below that mark will be "pre second kid" weight and at my age.. I am really not sure i can or even want to get that low again. Josh doesn't like skinny anyhow.. and I am a bit worried I might look older at that size. Then again.. if i get that low.. I can see myself wanting to see if i can hit my ultimate goal. My weight range for my height is about 95 pounds to 120 or so. 107.5 is the midrange of that and about what I was before and after I had my oldest child.

Meanwhile I am so very far from that number right now that it feels like a gigantic impossibility. Why can't I just lose a giant chunk right now and get all amped up with motivation? What do i need to do differently??

I am still doing a lowish carb plan. I am probably eating more carbs than I ought to. Sometimes.. like once every three days or so.. I will put frozen tart cherries into my low carb shake. While Dukan calls for nonfat dairy, I am going with the higher fat dairy products and aiming to keep the carbs low. I am still trying to eat a lot of veggies with lean protein. I am back to using those shakes 1-3 times a day. I have had a glass of wine maybe once every other day to every day. That probably should stop.

I am afraid to exercise. My energy level is SO LOW all the time.. chronically low.. and has been for at least a year. Getting on the treadmill.. taking a walk.. all those things I fear will sap me of whatever energy i had left to get through the day and set me back days in health. Hating that.

So just checking in. Aside from 2 days of eating Passover foods (I had some matzo and some dessert for two days), I have stayed on plan and that is something to be pleased with. Please OH please gods of the scale and thighs.. please let me show a several pound loss next time so that i have some sort of victory to hang my hat on. If not, then I will have to reevaluate and decide what I need to change.

How is everyone else doing?

5 pounds is a start

I have been at this for 11 days. I saw a 5 pound drop in three days, but I viewed it skeptically. This isn't my first rodeo. Today, 11 days from the start, I am showing a 5.4 pound loss. I got weighed at the doctor's office today and I was able to compare it against the last time I was weighed there. 4.6 pound difference clothed and after lunch.

I am doing a low carb plan.. that seems to work the best for me. I am not doing atkins and I am not doing dukan. I am trying to take what I like about both and make it fit my life. Atkins was too much calories and fat (eat all the bacon you want!) and Dukan was too few vegetables (only every other day after 1 week with nothing but protein. That is not sustainable for me).

When i am dying for something sweet, I make one of my protein shakes I have talked endlessly about (they now come in aspertame-free).. and when I need something rich, I might add half and half instead of water or low calorie/low carb/low fat coconut milk.

I have thrown a half frozen banana or a few frozen tart cherries in there. I think both low carb plans disallow any fruit. If i stop losing, I will be more careful. As it is, I have done that maybe three times. It is hard to imagine a few cherries stalling weight loss.

I am also not doing the oat bran (Dukan) because it is relatively low in fiber and I would rather get my fiber from leafy greens and other veggies.

My health has not been good lately. I have had some serious pain and fatigue issues. I am trying to walk to the organic local grocery store at least twice a week at lunch time (about a 15-20 minute round trip walk) and hoping i will be able to tolerate exercise without sapping my body of energy.

No ra ra ra from me at this point. How many different diet plans have i started in the last year?? When I hit a 20 pound loss, I will become ecstatic and hope filled. I am SO tired of being at this weight. I am looking forward to seeing the real me again.

All I Can Do Is Look Ahead. What Other Choice Do I Have??

I can cry, whine, complain, bemoan my failures, but all I can do is push forward. What are my other options? I can't continue as I am. My health is falling apart.

I have been trying to follow a low carb diet the last three days. I have been mostly successful and I am pleased with how it has gone. I have to wait until payday to fill my fridge with things I can eat easily, so for now, I am having to scrounge for things that are OK. I am not writing anything down as of now. I feel good that I have something I am working toward and that I have three days behind me.

All I can do is hope and plan for this time to be the time I actually succeed. I have seen that I do really well and can be faithful and dedicated, but that I don't stick with it long enough to see serious results. Last year at this time I lost 15 pounds but then went on a trip and never went back on the plan. It took a while before i started gaining weight back,but obviously I eventually put it all back on.

I really have no idea what plan I should be on long term. I have a friend that lost 115 pounds on Dukan. I have another friend who lost 85 pounds by using a nutritionist-based diet plan. I like eating organic plant based foods. I like eating low carb. I like the idea of eating anything I want but counting points. But I need to pick a plan and go with it. Right now, I am doing low carb. One day at a time. Maybe i will weigh myself tomorrow for kicks. I just need to stay on this plan and plug along even if i see 1/2 pound loss every other week. Had i done it that way last year, I would be at or close to my goal right now, slow or not. I'd be there.

Anyone on this train with me? I so much appreciate all the camaraderie and like minded empathy. This is freaking hard. But what other choice do I have???

When is Enough Enough?

Seriously. When IS enough enough? I cannot tell the number of times I have thought to come and blog.. to say "HEY! I am trying again!".. to say "I am trying YET again.." to say "I am tired of trying and not succeeding"... it is really humiliating. I am a person used to succeeding when I put my mind to something and this is one thing I simply have not been able to conquer this time around.. or these last several years. Maybe I am just giving up too soon? Maybe the things I have done in the past no longer work? I know that there have been times I have given it a 200% effort and have been nearly immaculate in my adherence to a plan and seen little or no loss. After 2 weeks on a drastic plan and seeing less than a pound loss, why continue? I get pissed off and quit in righteous indignation. And then I gain weight.

This is not a post laden with optimism and renewed vigor. This is me saying that I cannot bear to continue trying fruitlessly AND my body has begun telling me over and over again that it cannot continue to sustain my health.. maybe even my LIFE.. at this weight. One by one, things are breaking down in my body. At 4'10", i have less tolerance for excess weight than those much taller than me. At my estimation, I need to lose one third of my body weight right now. Just typing that out makes me want to cry.. or go home and climb under the covers and hide.

1/3 of me needs to go.

Can you even imagine how daunting that feels? I don't even want to TRY. And yet, right now, i am convinced if i don't, I will die. Maybe not DIE die.. but i will lose good health. I will likely see each of my body systems fail.

I just want to crawl in a hole and cry cry cry.

This is not just about vanity, but believe me there is plenty of that. I am plenty vain. I have a fridge magnet that reads "I am only superficial on the outside". This is about me living... how about thriving??

I do not know what to do. I have hit that place where I just do not know where to go or how to get where I need to go... and yet I know if i don't, I will not continue on. Rock bottom?

If someone would just give me a solid plan. "If you do AB and C, then you will arrive at Z" I can do that. Tell me what will work and I can do it. It is the try try try and see little to nothing no matter how rigidly i stay on plan that makes me just quit.

What needs to go in my life in order to make this a top priority?