Day 28 Pound Lost

Today I weighed at 163.2 which is a full pound from the last time I lost bringing me to an 11 pound loss. Yesterday I had showed a gain of 1 pound, today is two pounds less.

I am in a rancid mood with nothing positive to say. I like watching my tummy getting smaller. I like that as i was cleaning my room last night, I hung up that pants of "bona fide fat jeans" that i never ended up wearing knowing I never will have to.

I bought a few extra products from Wonder Slim to break up the monotony. I have some 160 calorie high protein bars for something to chew on and some instant cup a soup thingies that are high in protein. I haven't tried the high protein hot cocoa yet.

When people say their stomach is shrinking, (as in you need less food to feel full, not as in weight wise).. is that a real phenomenon or is it a psychological adjustment?

I need a treadmill. Anyone have one they are using to sling their laundry over and can get rid of it for a very reasonable price, please get in touch with me.

Drinking water today. Didn't meet my fitness goal again. My daughter wants to introduce me to yoga. It might be a nice bonding thing for us...she feels very helped by it and swears it has trimmed her down.

That's all folks. I don't want to bleed my nasty bad mood into this happy blog.


Ciao.

Day 26

Today is Day 26. In my fantasies, I would be about 30 pounds thinner today. In reality, I am ten. If you had told me that I would lose about ten pounds in one month and that most people would not really be able to notice a difference, I probably would not have embarked on the journey. That said, had I gone the traditional route (Weight Watchers etc) I would likely be under a 5 pound loss now, if that. The truth is that this is one fifth of where I want to be, so I am choosing to focus on the fact that i have completed one of five steps. If I complete my journey more or less in the next four months, then I will have lost 50 pounds before summer. And that is huge.

I weighed myself yesterday and my weight was exactly the same as it had been the last time I weighed. I was actually encouraged. In the very beginning I weighed myself a few times and got a sense of what the real weight was because it changed each time. I now am committed to step on the scale ONE TIME only and whatever it says, I am claiming. So when i saw the exact same weight, what it said to me was that it was a genuine one pound loss and not a glitch whatever the first weigh in happened to say the day I had weighed. Make sense?

How do I feel? I feel smaller in the middle. I keep looking sideways in the mirror expecting to see the small waist I used to have and sigh as I see the smaller version of what I had grown to be. I do feel a difference. I have a sense that I am about to turn a corner and will see a decent loss in the next week or so.

I have really dropped the ball on the workout thing. I walked one time this week and did the meager two flights of stairs to my appointment on Friday (I do several flights of stairs a few times a day anyhow at work.. but this was a change.. not taking the elevator when I normally would have). There is still tomorrow. There is still tonight if i feel up to it.

I am not drinking my water. I am not sure why I am having such a hard time with that lately. It could be because I haven't been feeling well and I don't like cold water when I feel sick.

I haven't been writing everything down like I had been. I think I have stayed pretty close to my maximum, but unless I keep track, there is no way to know. Homemade chicken soup is not on my plan and I have subsisted greatly on that the last week or more. I have no idea if i have had more than I should. All I know is that I feel like crap and all I want to do is get a lot of rest and drink warm liquids.. so I am going with that for now.

So that reset button I guess has been on "pause". I am just not going to beat myself up for not super excelling. I am really doing well. I have totally avoided almost all temptations (example of giving in: I had some golden beets/butternut squash/onions at my friend Daniel's house last night which was probably starchy and high in calories. Example of NOT giving in: I bought my kids some patisserie quality eclairs for dessert the other night and a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and i didn't as much as lick a spoon. I haven't taken a taste of anything I have felt was not OK for me to eat since the weekend I felt I had overindulged. I have really made good choices. I don't even feel badly about the dish (and seconds on it..) last night because it was organic fresh vegetables and, at most, it was higher in calories than I should have had, but I doubt I went over 1500 calories for the day.

So I am just checking in. Nothing outrageous to report except that I am keeping on. The alternative is to put the ten pounds back on and get depressed. Not going there. If in a month I have dropped another ten pounds, then I will be elated. I am still aiming for a 40 pound loss by the last week of April.

My wish: I wish I had a treadmill in my house for those days I just cannot get out of the house and I feel a modicum of inspiration to work out. My place is small. There really is no place for a treadmill.. but if i had to redo my room and get rid of something in order to have a treadmill in there.. I would do it. Anyone getting rid of a treadmill? :)

On the bright side, I am having a wonderfully relaxing weekend with my daughter watching movies we have wanted to see and just chilling. It is very well needed.

I hope you all are keeping on. A chuckle to the person who replied to my last post that I was RELIEVED that i was only sick and not hungry :) So true. Very sad!!!

~S at 165.2

Day 22: I am sick - not weak from hunger

Well that is a relief. My sore neck turned into sore throat glands, sore throat, body aches and exhaustion. What I assumed was weakness from low calories is just this nasty bug that won't go away.

Today i feel worse. It is a very very busy week at work and I cannot go home until I get the invoices into the mail and the beanbag is being used right now at lunch. Note to self: Buy my own beanbag for lunch naps! A fuzzy happy one.

This morning I weighed in at 164.2. That means a pound lost since day 15. One pound in a week. JOY. Or I could be the same as i was ten pounds ago.

Since I am not feeling well, I am just not hungry. I have had ONE shake so far and have a lean cuisine in the micro right now. Today will likely be a low calorie day simply because BLA!!!

I am eager to get my billing finished and maybe go home early and jump headfirst into a cozy bed... except my son has a strings concert tonight that I cannot miss.

Nothing prolific to say. Just needed to post the weight and clarify the weakness thing.

I have enjoyed SO MUCH getting the comments and emails from everyone. I agree with Karen that this is a lifelong choice. How I am choosing to take the weight off might not be a long term choice, but eating healthy and viewing certain foods as occasional treats rather than "regulars" is a lifetime choice.

I hope you all are staying healthy and rested. This is one persistant bug going around.

Let's Hit the "Reset" Button - Day 21

So major overhaul of the program. I am three weeks into it and i simply KNOW i haven't dropped much scale weight if any since the last time I weighed... what was that... day 15? I haven't been home where my scale is so WHEW. safe.

I think that if I didn't have "external goals" then what I am doing would be fine. I will lose weight gradually and that is ok. But because I have to make a big trip and wear the toothpick uniform NOT intended for short curvy girls .. I am in a hurry to lose a chunk in a relatively short amount of time. I can do this. I just need to adjust and accept it.

So I did a major slash of the calorie plan. Today I had five shakes spaced out about 2 hours apart (500 calories total) and am having a big salad with grape tomatoes, some avocado, chicken breast, and light dressing for dinner. I haven't calculated it out, but my aim is for about 300-400 calories for dinner.

Side effects? Wow. NO energy and very weak when I hit the end of the day. I collapsed in bed, put my feet up, and made my loved ones serve me dinner there LOL. OY such a princess. I am amazed at how much different I felt NOT having that Lean Cuisine type meal at lunch.

I did walk the deposit to the bank today.. about a 25 minute brisk round trip. The weather was gorgeous and the walk felt very good. Of course the banks are closed today, but I needed an excuse to get some activity.

I need to seriously step this up. I am serious about wanting to drop 40 pounds total by the end of April. Let's say I have dropped 9 already... I have 31 to go depending on what my scale reads now. Can I do that in 9 weeks? Maybe. It will be a lot easier if i start getting exercise more than 3 mild occasions a week.

Anyhow. I have hit the reset button. These last 20 days were valuable. I have already talked about the "mindset" and staying faithful. I hit a few speed bumps this weekend with some activities and a party but it could have been much much worse. some people believe that having one day with extra calories tricks your body and helps you to lose weight more efficiently when you drop back down. We shall see.

Not much more to say. I am having some great conversations with others in my same predicament working hard at making changes in their lives. I am working hard at not getting discouraged and focusing on the positive things. Remember that once you start, you are already winning the battle. If you make no changes, you are continuing on the path you are not happy with. Every small step is toward your goal.

When I did Weight Watchers for the first time around 1992-1993 or so, their weight tracker had this "yellow brick road" type thing where each step equaled a half pound or so. I went weekly faithfully and weighed in. I remember getting my first five and ten pound loss ribbons. Even though I lost a half pound at a time... I got to see on the little road map all those little half pounds adding up to a road leading to my ultimate goal weight. I think that I should make one of those for this time around too. I am so freaking impatient that a half pound would make me cry. But five half pounds is a 2.5 pound loss that is permanently off your body. Big events are made up of lots of small steps, choices, and decisions.

Can someone remind me of that when I come on here weeping over whatever the scale tells me? Please?

Success in your small steps to you all...

Sheri

Day 20 - Shifting Gears

So I have no weight to report as I am not where my scale is. But that's OK. While losing scale weight is VERY essential to me, there are other "signposts" that are equally as important to me. Like the skirt that zipped up all the way and my "Casual Friday Jeans". This past Friday, they felt loose around the waist and never pinched at all.

So I think I have determined that I need to lower my calorie count. I also think that I am going to start bringing raw vegetables with me to snack on at work. Not necessarily because i am hungry but because I just don't feel I am getting enough fresh produce. As of right now, I have not made my exercise quota for the week let along "stepped it up". Our plan is to hit the gym at some point today, so there is hope yet.

I feel a difference in my middle. I haven't had the small apnea like occurrence happen in a while (that I am aware of) which tells me my body has made some changes. All that said, if i don't lower my calorie count, I am not going to see the loss I want to see in the time I want to see it. So I am going to attempt to make 1000 my top calorie level. Gasp. Maybe even 800-1000. This will probably require me to rely more on the shakes and less on the frozen meals. I just know I am not losing the scale pounds and that is what i am eager to see.

Also, there have been too many exceptions lately in my schedule.. work receptions, parties etc. I have had alcohol three times this week which is definitely not a part of my plan. I think I need to limit it to two drinks a week at the very most. I have eaten food items that are not on my plan in circumstances where i didn't have as much choice or control over what was being served/offered. In the past I might have chosen to avoid those circumstances or brought something along with me or simply abstained from what was being served. There have been three occurrences this week alone where this happened. I need to be more judicious about where I end up and with what tools to get through the occasion.

The GOOD news is that my portion control HAS improved significantly and, during those occasions I have eaten outside of my plan, I ate small amounts rather than a bountiful plateful. Portion control has always been my weak spot.

So in a nutshell on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I am discouraged by my lack of progress and some of my poorer decisions this week but encouraged by my persistence and commitment to my program. I WILL weigh in at the end of the weekend and report honestly even if i show a gain.

I have taken the celery cleanse for two full days now and have not encountered a miraculous result yet. I realize that it can take several days for it to kick in and I will try to be patient for another day or so. The product allows for doubling up on the product if needed. Today I will do four packets instead of two. If after a week I am not seeing results, I will order a different product.

I don't have much else to report. Ups and Downs.. life happens. I haven't been as successful at navigating the special events as I have been my regular days and I am going to need to prepare for that better. I have found that if I don't have a solid plan walking into a situation, I am not going to come out successful.

I am eager to hear how everyone else is doing and what is encouraging you and discouraging you? What has been successful for you? What obstacles have you overcome?

Day 16 and looking forward

OK. My luxurious soak in the pity tub is over. As people have said repeatedly.. I didn't put this weight on overnight and it isn't goign to come off overnight. Let's look at my progress:

I STARTED. That, in and of itself, is huge. If I hadn't started, I would still be .. well.. where I started and more depressed and simply whining about how I hated how I look. TODAY I am in the mindset of progress, I have changed significant lifestyle decisions and I have seen (as of this am) an official 9 pound loss since my mammo in early January.. but specifically since I began this program 16 days ago. I went from being 100% sedentary to the point of taking an elevator instead of going up two flights of stairs to the third floor of appointments.. to becoming NON sedentary looking for opportunities to walk instead of ride and eager to get back to the gym when I can work it in.

A skirt I couldn't zip up the last few inches now zips up all the way. My jeans no longer leave me with the appearance of a surgical scar across my tummy. I am hydrating myself daily. I have limited my alcohol intake to one or maybe two drinks per week if at all. (not to diss on myself, but that is a big change for me).

This morning I weighed myself and was at 165. Not a huge loss from the last weigh in, but it totals 9 pounds from my zap me into reality weigh in at the doctor's office in early January. AND IT'S A LOSS. If I had been doing Weight Watchers, I MIGHT have seen half this loss in 16 days, but likely not.

As I type, I have one of my "ocean sounds subliminals" playing. Again.. if all this does for me is a placebo effect, then that is fine with me as long as I see a result. I can testify that when I had been listening to the exercise motivation ones last week, I was chomping at the bit to get in the gym. I haven't listened to it since and haven't had that pressing urge since.

Also, I am keeping in mind this loss is coming in the worst time of my cycle. I am content that I saw a loss.

I also FEEL different. Have i dropped two sizes? No. But that last bit of hugely uncomfortable extra I had put on is not here anymore. And I am 9 pounds closer to where I was 16 days ago.

Dispelling well-meaning advise:

There are (at least) two kinds of people who have faced weight loss needs. Those that have always had weight issues and have needed to constantly be on top of it or conscious of it from childhood on and those who grew up without weight issues but have come to a point in their lives they have weight to take off due to childbirth or age or bad eating habits that have caught up with them.

I have seen people who grew up skinny even eating unlimited junk food, drinking soda, and never needing to pay attention to these things who find themselves as adults utterly clueless how to cope with weight gain. Some learn how to take the weight off and some simply never address it.

I am one who is genetically predisposed to certain traits from birth. My brother used to joke about one of my baby pictures calling me the Michelin Tire Man. As a baby, I had fat pads like the said character even though i wasn't a fat baby, per se. I was never fat as a child or teenager, but I struggled with weight issues. I had a teensy waist naturally, but was significantly bottom heavy. I have literally never ever a single day in my whole life had thin legs. And I assume that I never will. I can post pictures of myself at 95 pounds at the age of 16 with a rail thin waist... and heavy thighs. I have never ever been looked at as skinny. I come from a family with both weight issues on one side, genetic body characteristics on the other side and extremely neurotic self-hating weight/eating habits/thoughts generationally. I remember being "on a diet" at the age of 8. I have never not been conscious of my size. I was also married to a man who preferred ultra stick skinny women and was never content with my size even when I weight 107 pounds AFTER having a child.

I grew up knowing how to cook healthy and economically. I have been a raw vegan, done long term fresh juice fasts, done low carb heavy carnivore diets, and everything in between. There was a time I ate only fresh fruits and vegetables with raw seeds and nuts. I made salad dressings out of first cold pressed olive oil and ground seeds and nuts. I know all about what to eliminate that is unhealthy. Except for an occasional loaf of potato bread and Challah, I literally never have purchased white bread in my adult life. I nearly never eat pasta or rice.. even at the Chinese buffet. I KNOW HOW TO EAT HEALTHY. It is really really hard for me when people tell me "Just cut out xyz and the weight will come off". Please know that i appreciate input and believe that is the healthy way to eat. But it will NOT make the weight come off me. Please trust me. When I did Weight Watchers to the letter and ate at the bottom of my points allowance, I might have dropped a half pound to a pound a week IF THAT. And sometimes I didn't lose anything at all consistently.

After I had my youngest, I tried several different plans and found myself stuck or gaining. I eventually went on a series of water fasts, juice fasts, eating raw, and doing a combination of the above to finally lose about 30 pounds. And I did maintain nearly all of the loss even when I began eating "normal but extremely healthy" again. But eating raw alone.. no weight loss.

Please trust me on this. You don't have to agree with me or do what I am doing, but please understand that I know my body and I know what doesn't work for me. This is what I have chosen for very specific reasons. I have no intention of living forever on prepackaged frozen meals and diet shakes. I feel confident I can maintain my lost weight by eating in the ways I know to be best for my body: a diet based on fresh produce with minimal carbs and plenty of lean protein. And lots of exercise.

OK. I am done with all that.

So I wanted to share a few of the tools I have found helpful to me. This is the daily diary I have been printing off and using to keep track of my eating habits, calories, water, and activity. Sometimes I jot feelings down or goals.

http://www.personal-nutrition-guide.com/food-diary.html

This is the web page of my "Guru Hera". http://www.easywayshow.com/
I realize my results will not mirror hers for a variety of reasons, but she has been a huge inspiration to me. She has a Youtube site and a blog as well. You can probably find all that by on the website or by googling Impatient dieter. Unfortunately, she has not been quite as active lately on her page, but please note that her weight loss journey is many years old and that she has maintained her drastic loss for two years. I look at results like that and listen.

Here is a web site I found yesterday that I found compelling. I haven't explored it thoroughly, but it began as three sisters on a weight loss journey and evolved into a site with over 70,000 followers. I got my weight tracker at this site. http://www.3fatchicks.com/

So today my focus is to drink my water (yesterday I was lucky if I drank 24 whole ounces. Today I need to hit about 96 or so) and to get motivated and make concrete plans to get back into the gym. I have two more workouts to make my weekly minimum and I vowed to "step it up" in some way this week. This might involve getting onto some lifting machines when i am off the treadmill or simply having a fourth day.

One of my friends expressed a concern that my 40 pounds by the end of April was setting myself up to fail. Yeah.. I can see that. But I have seen 9 pounds in 2 weeks more or less.. so it is possible. It is what I am aiming for. If i surpass it... wonderful. If i don't meet it but have lost 20 or 25 then i am that much further ahead than I was. It IS possible. Is it probable? Maybe not. But I plan to try.

Most of all.. I have so much appreciated all the support and comments I have gotten. Each of you who are following the blog "officially", I have silently noticed and appreciated each one. Even Tricia who I haven't even acknowledged but have meant to say THANK YOU and I am so glad you are here. I thank the ones who have read my blogs and commented on my Facebook Page and urged me onward or told me how my blog had sustained them that day (Like you, Ilana). You are my support team and I cannot overstate how much I appreciate the support and comraderie.

Have a successful day.. whatever that means for you..

S

Bla bla Day 15 Bla Bla

Can you tell how thrilled I am?

OK so first.. I met my exercise goals for last week and am 1/3 the way through this week more or less (read: i walked to a meeting in the rain equaling 20 mostly brisk walking minutes).

The icky TMI stuff: despite the mysterious powder attempts and some fiber laxative help, I found myself er... deadlocked. By Sunday evening I did a sea salt water flush. I had used this a few times when I did a 30 day juice fast in 2002. Mix 2 teaspoons of sea salt in a quart of warm water and guzzle it down. No more blockage. In fact, the ocean will rain out of your butt. It EVENTUALLY worked, but not for a while and only after I drank nearly a second quart of VERY SALTY WATER. After that, all I wanted to do was guzzle fresh water and eat fruit.

Monday I woke up feeling like a pickle. I seriously felt like some briny sea creature and seriously OFF. I drank probably 100 ounces of water to try to dilute the salty feeling I had. My eyes were puffy and I had some edema and it was very NOT GOOD. The sea salt is not supposed to be absorbed into your body and I have read hundreds of testimonies of how wonderfully this works and without any side effects. I can only guess that my reaction came from a) poor quality sea salt (dear Josh ran out to get me some sea salt and I had forgotten to tell him specifically what kind and where to find it. He brought back Morton's brand which is probably refined and without any trace minerals.) or b) my current diet plan. Regardless.. it did what it was supposed to do and this morning I woke up feeling normal.

I SWORE I would not weigh myself this morning. I mean.. after being brined.. after eating a bigger than normal dinner the night before and being at the wrong portion of my cycle.. it seemed.. unwise emotionally :) So i did it anyhow. The first time showed a three pound loss.. and the next three times showed three other totally different random numbers (showing gains) so i kicked the damned scale back under my bed and forgot about it. OK so i didn't really forget about it. I internally whined about how hard I have worked at this and GEEZ by now I should have seen a dramatic difference... and why oh why is it SO hard for me to shed this damned weight?

Sniff. Sob. Then I put my skirt on. The same skirt i wrote about last week... and zipped it all the way up to the top with ease (last week i wasn't able to) so that pacified me some.

I have this inner fear that I am not going to see much of a loss by my goal time and will make a public idiot of myself on this blog. Sniff. Sob. I am not sure if I need to eat fewer calories or more. I am going with fewer. This week I was to up my exercise routine a notch.. from three incidents of activity I would not normally do to .. I don't know.. something more. I am still afraid to go to a class at the gym yet. I am SO incredibly out of condition that I am afraid I won't make it through a full class. And I am so not about public humiliation :) (That is why I am writing a blog about how much weight I have gained, right?)

Can you see all this negativity I am stewing in????? I know that we project into our lives and tend to fulfill what we project. This is not what I want to be sowing into my existence.

In other news, I found a site that has all kinds of calculations for dieting... how many calories you need to maintain your weight, lose fat, lose extreme fat (is any of my fat NOT extreme?). One of the calculators was to determine what your ideal weight should be. For my height, gender and frame (medium or large boned) the thing told me i should weigh 91 - 97 pounds (medium boned) or 102-107 pounds (large boned). Are you friggen kidding me? I think my ass weighs that much right now. Ok. No it doesn't. I weighed about 100 to 105 pounds in HIGH SCHOOL. I am not sure i will ever get under 120 again. Maybe 115 if i make this my entire focus in life... but 107????? That depressed me. Even Weight Watchers states that my goal range should be from 97-120 pounds.

So I will weigh myself tomorrow and "weigh in" honestly. If i haven't lost, then so be it. I will adjust SOMETHING in the plan and try to hone in on what I need to do differently.

I am just so impatient. I want to have results like the Impatient Dieter did and drop 20 pounds in two weeks (she dropped it in two days..) and am frustrated that I haven't. My goal is to have dropped 40 pounds by the end of April when I go to New York. That is milepost 1.

How is everyone else doing? I know that there are people reading and that many of you are having success or not-yet success at your efforts. Please feel free to comment liberally and mention what is and isn't working for you. What your goals are. How you are overcoming your obstacles.

Thanks for reading my bla bla post today :) Hopefully tomorrow will be a Ra Ra post :)

~~~~

Day 12

Welcome to day 12! It is Saturday early evening and as of today, I met my fitness goals for the (last) week: Did three episodes of physical activity in the week (same as last week but more intense). I have been to the gym three times now which is a really really big step. I feel really jazzed up about it again and no longer feel panic when i think about going in there. I have to work at holding my head up proudly and not thinking about how I look like the out of shape fat chick on the treadmill. Instead, I am the pre-fit me in the early stages.

I have not stepped on the scale. On this blog I am going to be really blunt (if you know me in real life.. big surprise eh?) so.. bear that in mind :) I have been taking fiber supplements because this diet has not been conducive to... great regularity... but thus far my supplements have not worked. Until I get this junk out of me, I will NOT step on the scale! And that's that. I did order a cleanse product that should arrive next week. I also read some pretty disgusting and intense things on this site:

http://www.drnatura.com/colonix_program.php?utm_source=DT&utm_medium=AffiliateNetwork&utm_content=Primary&utm_campaign=Brand&bid=3&aid=CD4&opt=

NOT for the squeamish. TRUST ME ON THIS! and it has put the fear of god in me. I think I will try that product next so that I, too, can have aliens fly out of my @$$.

I have said before that the diet part of this plan has been the least challenge of all. I really have to force myself to eat enough calories. I wonder if my body doesn't need as many as I am trying to eat, but 1200 seems like a reasonable goal particularly if I am exercising regularly.

This morning I made a nice big egg while omelet with a very small amount of shredded sharp cheddar cheese (full fat), onions, garlic, collard greens and diced lean ham. (Sorry Riv..). I have only had two of my shakes so I am way below my calorie allotment. Josh and I are going out to hear some music tonight and I will allow myself a beer or a glass of wine. We will likely have a big salad for dinner.

I have to say that it has been great to have a partner who really supports me in this. He is eager to go to the gym with me and likes the things I cook.. and he is very thoughtful in trying not to tempt me to eat outside my allowable things. He is so supportive in every way and loves me exactly as I am right now and would love me if I never lost a single pound. That just makes me all the more eager to do well. I am a very very lucky woman. Even though Valentine's day is approaching and I actually have a sweetheart.. I have to say that every day is like Valentine's Day with Josh. He is loving and thoughtful and romantic and sweet and we tell each other how we feel daily. I can't overstate how grateful I am he is in my life.

So in other news, I have been buying all kinds of little things here and there to help along my process. My big plan has been to "plan to succeed". One reason I have gained so much weight is my lack of planning. I work a full day, get home late... have nothing easy to make for dinner... Carl's Jr. drive through it is. No fries for me, but ... well.... I can snitch a few of my kids fries and a few sips of their oreo milkshake right? Eating lunches out... Josh's and my favorite Tuesday lunch date: Chinese buffet for 5.49 at the Empire... it has all added up. So now i am Planning to Succeed. I never leave myself vulnerable to chance. I have shakes at work, home, and at Josh's house... I have my freezer stocked full of frozen entrees for something quick if i don't have the energy or ingredients to make a salad or something healthy. I will not allow myself to be caught unprepared.

One thing I purchased which is very odd.. are download-able subliminal albums. I ordered one for motivation to exercise and another about being thin for life. There was a free download for deep calm. There are four tracks per album of about 10 minutes of nature sounds... mostly the ocean or a babbling brook on a sunny day. Those sounds are very nurturing to me. I have been listening to them at work over and over again. Do they work? Well? Since i started that, I have been very gungho to get myself back into the gym and it is a strong compulsion. I'll tell you what. Even if it is simply a placebo effect, it was worth the $12 i spent on it. Coincidence or genuine, my days of being sedentary are done.

I also ordered a mini blender to keep at work for my shakes. I had been afraid the shakes would taste like powder water, but they don't. But just to see, i am right now sipping on a shake with the full 8 ounces of water plus some crushed ice and it is great. I can see throwing in a half a frozen banana into one before going to the gym before work.

Also ordered is a bar of MSM soap. Aside from being great for eczema (which I don't have..) it helps with skin firmness and the healing/preventing of stretch marks. After three not small babies.. ugh. I will say no more.

So all in all, it's all a success and I feel good. I would love to tell you I have dropped twenty pounds in 12 days, but I have not. Maybe when i clean the garbage out of my pipework I will see a large drop and if so, you can be sure you will be the first to know! Still.. I am going to keep on. If the weight doesn't come off, I will up the exercise and down the calories a little.

Lastly, one odd side effect of drinking SO MUCH water is that it leaves me actually feeling MORE thirsty than slaked. I actually feel more dehydrated and dry than had I only drank a few glasses of water. I wonder why that is?

My uber-gorgeous-skinny-blonde-friend-who-thinks-she-needs-to-lose-weight has been a great workout buddy and it has been fun catching up with her as we pound it out on the treadmills.

Hope everyone is feeling victorious and working toward their goals. What are your goals? How are you working to reach them? The first step is deciding you are finished with where you are at and decide to take the very first step away from what you don't want and toward what you do want. And don't underestimate what a HUGE step that is.

Day 11

Welcome to the morning of Day 11. I weighed myself this am and was down over 2.5 pounds since Day 7 and am now at 166.4. Body fat percentage did not change. If I am using my mammogram weight as a genuine starting point, then I have lost 8.1 pounds since I began all of this.

Today is casual friday and my official "How do my jeans fit me this week?" test. Before I embarked on this, my new fat jeans (not sure where they came from.. but they are a size 36 waist Levis) technically fit but left an angry red slash across my tummy with the distinct outline of the snap etc in red. I buckled and went to St. Vincent de Paul and bought a pair of genuine fat jeans.. ones that were deliberately too big for me just so that I had a pair of jeans I could button up and not be in pain. I think those might be a size 16. I haven't technically worn them, but they were there if I wanted.

Last Friday I was able to wear my current fat jeans all day without discomfort until the very end of the day where i felt a slight pinchy feeling in the waist. Today, they feel slightly loose around the waist.

Yesterday my goal was WATER. I haven't been drinking my quota and i focused on getting at least 80 ounces of water in. I drank 96 ounces by the time I left work at 6.

I tried to eat dinner at 7 pm, but I just wasn't hungry for it. I took a few bites and then put it away.

I want to continue with my water goal. It is a conscious effort. I am one of the lucky ones who really likes water.. it is my beverage of choice aside from the amazing strong cup of coffee I allow myself several times a week and my penchant for a fine glass of wine or two.. or a rich microbrew.. or a good single malt scotch, or... OK you get it. I have chosen to pretty much stop drinking alcohol during this part of weight loss because i simply can't justify the calories and I have read that alcohol impedes fat loss. I will allow myself a drink or two here and there as I plan for it.

My other goal is exercise. I really really have to work on that one.. getting into a routine and habit is a challenge for me in the beginning. I wanted to have at least three episodes of activity no matter how small each week. Last week I met my goal, this week I have not. I could possibly walk to my noon appointment and justify it by making the deposit on my way there... I have a gym date for today after work with my tall-gorgeous-skinny-blonde-friend-who-thinks-she-needs-to-lose-weight.

One way I make my water easier going down is by putting wedges of lemons and limes and slices of cucumber in my water jug (I am using a Peace Health plastic jug/mug with a handle for those of you that are local) mainly because it holds 24 ounces and has a removable lid so i can add citrus or ice to it. Otherwise I just keep filling up water bottles with tap water.

Yesterday I ordered an internal cleanse product that is celery based. It is a powder you mix into warm liquid and drink twice a day. I read that the average person carries 5-20 pounds of fecal matter in their body they are not eliminating. That is insanely gross and unhealthy. This source also claimed that Elvis Presley was found to have 60 pounds of waste in his body during his autopsy. Yeah.. let's get that $h!t right outta here.

Regarding water weight loss.. I have been thinking of this and how people scoff at times "oh.. that was just water loss, not fat". So? I don't want to retain water my body doesn't need and feel puffy and bloated. I am happy to rid myself of any weight at all even if it is water or stored old fecal material. Case in point, this morning I was able to slip my rings on my middle finger with ease instead of needing to start off the day with rings on "ring fingers" and later on transfer them to the middle. That shows me I am retaining less water which is GOOD.

I have to say that the eating part of this diet has been fairly effortless for me. I am sure it will get harder as i get really really sick of shakes, but the catalogue that came with the shakes listed all kinds of other high protein low calorie alternatives like bars, hot drinks, snack foods etc. Ultimately I will try to stock up on a variety of options for those times I cannot bear to have yet one more shake.

Between WW Smart ones, Healthy Choice, Lean Cuisine etc.. there are so many choices for frozen low calorie meals that I haven't grown bored yet. They are teensy with little volume (and flavor..), but I can always add in fresh or frozen vegetables to stretch it out if needed.

Well that's all I have for now. It was nice to see a scale drop on the bad evil nasty "week before". Instead of feeling angry I didn't see a ten pound drop, I am happy to see a drop at all. One step at a time. One pound at a time. It's all progress.

Day 9

Back to work feeling "eh".. no coffee leaving me a bit "BLA".. but all in all, it was a good day.

I arrived at work to the freshly delivered box of diet shakes I had ordered along with the special "blender bottle" that has this round wire whisk ball inside. I was skeptical, but it is truly cool. I ordered shakes that are diet center quality called WonderSlim in several different flavors. WOW! They are SO much better than the Atkins shakes and only 100 calories each! They taste sort of like pudding mix that hasn't set yet. In fact you can use the mixes for pudding instead of shakes with less water. Today i tried mocha, chocolate, and strawberry yogurt smoothie. They are every bit as filling as the Atkins shakes which are 160 calories.. and I feel they taste much better.

Lunch was a 250 calorie frozen meal. Dinner is going to have to be a nice big salad. I do NOT like the lack of fresh produce in this diet plan and am going to need to find ways to incorporate more into it. I am not doing super on my water consumption today either. Only 41 oz so far.

Tonight I am meeting a friend to celebrate her birthday. This is a hard time for her and, while the temptation is going to be hard, it is important for me to go and brave the lounge and drinks and lounge food! I think I MIGHT allow myself one glass of wine. I think if i limit myself to a salad with chicken breast and some sort of low cal dressing, I can justify one nice glass of red wine.

Now that I am beginning to feel better, it is important for me to get my butt back into the gym. I have plans with my uber tall-skinny-gorgeous-blond-friend-who-thinks-she-needs-to-lose-weight to hit the gym as we did on Sunday. I am going to aim again for three days of activity this week and then next week I will try to pump it up a bit.

I am loving these low calorie shakes. I feel VERY full and have consumed 650 calories by 6 pm.

So today I feel encouraged. I am not sick in bed. I am still on plan. I have someone who loves me every single day and not just on Valentine's Day and I don't have to feel worthless and depressed next Monday. This is one sucky holiday when you are single or in an unhappy relationship. Gawd knows I lived thru plenty of those.

I am really really encouraged by the feedback I have gotten. One person who is a relative of mine (that i just met and who actually lives in my state!) who runs marathons and looks amazing... and SHE feels inspired by MY blogs???? I need to spend some time with her and find out how to make this short stocky body submit to running. My body HATES running.

I have a dear old friend from high school who has shared with me the struggles of being labeled overweight as the biggest and harshest stigma of his life. This diet is very extreme. I think many people can see great success with moderation if they aren't in this impatient uber hurry to lose weight fast like I am. And so far.. not sure i am going to! I guess time will tell. The important part is that i am on task and my mind is in that mindset which is 99% of the battle for me. I have tremendous willpower and drive. It is GETTING to that mindset that is my greatest challenge.

So I am at that mindset. I have a goal. I am traveling back east for a side job in late April and I really really really want to have lost some serious weight before then. Both because the uniforms are made for toothpicks (sorry, dear boss friend) but also because I will be seeing some old friends I haven't seen in decades and I don't want to look awful.

And postscript: Same dear friend was joking with me about our mutual favorite movie line from The Devil Wears Prada. She is in Mexico and experiencing.... the typical side effects of such a visit... and boasted of her rapidly receding waist line each splash of the john. "I am ONE stomach flu away from my goal weight!". We women.. OY.

Day 8

Here i lay in my sick bed on Day 8... missed work... feeling BLA and looking positively disgusting in my coffee stained over-sized man t shirt and gray capris yoga/sweat pants.

So what do I say.. when you are sick in bed with body aches and a sore throat do you drink dairy based diet shakes? NOOOOOO. I managed to make a pot of Jewish Penicillin and have subsisted mostly on that (sans matzo balls) for the last two days. I have also had some comfort food (pasta.. totally not on plan) plain with some garlic salt.

So the bad news is that I really have not been on my "plan". The good news is that I most likely have stayed within my calorie range. If I have gone over it, it can't be by much.

I have nothing prolific to say except that when one is sick, one must listen to their body. I have learned that when my body starts tapping my shoulder (headaches, body aches, sore throat, run down) it is time to hit the bed and sleep as much as I can. I am hoping that as I lose weight and get more active, I will start getting sick far less often.

That's all I got.

and a big P.S. to some certain special people who have personally contacted me and let me know how much they can relate to my situation and blogs and are following along.. THIS IS FOR YOU!!! I cannot tell you how much that means to me and spurs me onward to keep on and to do well. We can do this together.

No picture. Trust me. You don't want to see me like this :)

Day Seven: Ups and Downs and Mysterious Powders

Welcome to Day 7. I am feeling sort of "up and down" today about the whole thing.

THE PROS:

* I really did stay strong with my program this weekend in terms of calorie consumption and making good and healthy choices. I ate far more fresh meals based on produce and lean protein and less frozen meals that have the nutrition of cardboard in my opinion.

* Friday we had an office lunch and, thankfully, a Mongolian Grill restaurant was chosen making every single thing on my plate my choice. I feel that I did very well although I can't easily guestimate how many ounces of meat I had. I chose no starches or starchy veggies.

* I made it to the gym on Sunday am and walked briskly on the treadmill for 40 minutes even though i secretly wished my friend would bail on me so I could bail on my obligation. I am SO glad she didn't. This was the first time I darkened the door of that gym in a year and a half (other than signing Josh and Hayley up for memberships).

* Some of my friends had a brunch on Sunday (after gym) who are notorious healthy natural foodies and I was able to make myself an egg white omlette with a small amount of raw chevre and avacado, kale, tomato and red onions as well as a few ounces of lox while they ate latkes made of carrot, beets and potatoes along with sprouted bagels and all kinds of other yummies. I did allow myself the equivalent of a normal bite of the latkes. I HAD to try them :)

* I grocery shopped on Friday after work and re-stocked up on all the things i need to succeed easily, AND bought my kids very simple things they can make themselves so that, for the time being, I won't need to cook elaborate meals I cannot eat and feel tempted to take "just a bite".

THE CONS:
* I did not eat every 2-3 hours to keep my metabolism boosted, and instead had fewer and larger meals that still stayed in my calorie range.

* I did not focus on keeping my water intake to 80-90 ounces a day and, in fact, fell far below that.

* On Sunday night I found myself very "snacky" and ended up choosing to eat a Nori rice cake and 6 Triscuits which totalled 200 calories (which were within my daily caloric range).. but they were all carbs and salty probably making me retain fluids given my semi dehydration.

* my compression suit DIDN'T FIT ME! I could not get it on. They recommended ordering one size bigger than you wear because they are very tight fitting. The style I ordered didn't go any higher. Ah well. I will have to choose a different style and save this one for when i see progress.

This morning i set up my scale/body fat/BMI monitor. I braved myself. I weighed myself. After four tries, I took the highest one at 169 pounds. I am right now REFUSING to list my body fat percentage because I am in utter denial over it. I will track my fat loss and maybe one day I will actually post what that gawdawful number was. I have thought about paying bucks to find a professional to identify an accurate number just so I can be certain.

Worst of all, i just feel big and bloated today. My skirt won't zip up any higher than normal.. I feel large and icky. It could be because of not drinking enough water and hence retaining fluids and it could be because it is "the week before" wink wink.. or it just could be just BECAUSE. I wanted to feel like a new woman after 6 days. That is not realistic and just because the Impatient Dieter lost 20 pounds of water weight in two days doesn't mean i will come close to that. Different genetics. And I am sure she isn't 4'10".

Speaking of 4'10", before you berate me at how i am not THAT big at 169 (by the way, coming clean, my mammogram weight was 174.5 at doctor's office)you need to know that, according to sites like Weight Watchers, the goal range for my height EVEN at 45 years old is 97 pounds to 120 MAX. Before I turned 40, it was 117 MAX. So anything over 20% of 120 (24 pounds) labels me as obese. And if THAT didn't, my body fat percentage sure the H did.

So today is not a happy day for me. I am plugging along. I am HUNGRY today. I am about to leave work sick and achy and I am just plain discouraged. It is irrational. It is likely hormonal. But i am discouraged.

No worries as I will stay on track and plug along. Later, I will edit this and describe my mystery powder experience :)

Let's do this!

POST SCRIPT: I forgot to mention the mysterious powders. So my Hera Guru put up a blog about ... um... really good internal cleansing... which inspired me to add some nasty disgusting Metamucil to my water container. I kept some in a desk drawer at work "just in case" and behold I found a little baggy of some vague beige powder and dumped the whole darn thing into my water.

I guzzled down half of it proudly wondering what the big deal was and suddenly realized it tasted less... gelular globby than it was supposed to. Actually.. it tasted nothing like Metamucil... and i realized I had absolutely no idea whatsoever i dumped into my water. I am fairly sure it was plain whey protein powder, but for all I know it was arsenic.

Found the REAL bag of intestinal goodies and dumped a bunch of THAT into my now murky water and did drink the whole mess down. At the bottom I discovered what looked like an exotic sea creature so none of the intestinal benefits likely made it my way. It really sounded a lot more fascinating when i first posted the blog.

Day 4

I am on track. I am doing everything right.. I am motivated. I just feel like BLAH right now. When everything else is falling to pieces, it is nice to have one thing going well.

I have used all the normal and logical excuses to avoid making my health a priority, but now everything else is going to have to make room. I bought my kids a whole bunch of easy frozen things so that I wouldn't have to deal with cooking meals I might be tempted by. I also stocked up my freezer and bought enough protein shakes to get me to Monday when my ordered shakes will arrive. This is a big move for thinking ahead, not finding myself without an easy option and setting myself up to fail.

I HATE prepackaged meals. I hate artificial sweetener and dairy and frozen foods that I know i can make much much better and healthier with more whole fresh foods ... but i don't trust myself with portion control and when i am hungry and have nothing easy.. that is when i fail. So this beginning phase is my temporary necessary evil. Ultimately as I move forward, I will plan good meals, pre-measured and labeled with caloric content etc and freeze them myself.

One meal a day at the least is real green food. A salad, a stir fry.. lean protein. I do usually eat one piece of fruit a day.

My scale arrived today along with the compression suit. I will be sleeping in it tonight if i can handle the heat! I will weigh in tomorrow and (UGH) post the weight on Day 5. I will also post the number I received when I had my mammogram last month and braved actually looking at the scale. OY. This is true humility, folks. The weight i was shown was probably what i weighed either during Jared's pregnancy or post partum. This is a big time low for me. Or should I say high?

Emotionally... I am discouraged and worn down. My plate is full and there is no relief.. no one to talk to... just burden after burden. Issue after issue. Work is more demanding than ever. Having two teenagers and a preteen all of whom I love passionately introduce multiple challenges to deal with daily that i shoulder alone. There is no help. There is no safety net. There is no other responsible diligent parent picking up the other half. he loves them, but 100% of every issue, burden, decision, need to intervene, set limits, follow through with teachers, schools, missing work, missed classes, bla bla bla... is all on my shoulders. Daily. There is no respite. I am a pile of BLAH right now and I am sure hormones are beginning to kick in.

So tonight is my pity party. I have no plans this weekend and hope I can make the giant leap to show up at the gym I haven't darkened the door to for a year or more. Just showing up will be a huge thing. Going for a walk. Taking my kids to a movie. I don't know. Just surrounding myself with some good things to help me stop feeling so awful and alone with the weight of the world hovering over me.

I am posting two pictures that were taken in 2007 while i was freelancing and could essentially go to the gym any time I wanted to. I was there typically 6 days a week.. i worked hard.. and at times I went twice. When I started my current job four years ago, things changed. These pictures are when I was at a good place but not where I want to be. I have some mini goals and will delve into that later.

I just needed to vent to the echo of the internet unsure if anyone actually reads this drivel and identifies.

Time to relax and bid a farewell to a really really $h!tty week.

Success and motivation to you all... whomever is reading my ramblings.

Day Three Postscript: Motivational Tushy slap.

I had a dialogue with a very dear friend about our frustration with having to work so hard at weight loss when so many others can "get away with" so much and not gain, or try less hard and lose easier. The following was my (edited) reply. I hope it serves to exemplify where my mindset is and I hope it inspires you as well. And speaking of inspiration, I had a very exhilarating 35 minute brisk walk today with my darling at lunch and I feel fantastic. I remember why I was so hooked on working out... it's all coming back to me...



OK... This is my ledge talk.

It isn't fair. It isn't just. I hate that, being genetically predisposed toward certain body traits no matter what I do, combined with being 4'10", i have to ALWAYS work a thousand times harder than anyone else I know to lose weight.

I have spent the last four years or so feeling really angry about that, justifying my weight gain, and whining about how I look. I am now officially more sick of how i look/feel than i am of how unfair it is to have to work so hard.

So now, I am biting my tongue and going at it 1000% and realize that, to get where I want to go will require more fortitude and character and inner resolve than most people have and, if only a handful of people on earth recognize how hard i had to work to get there, so be it. I will know and I plan to get there.

This isn't about being "hot" or desirable to others (well.. maybe a little for Josh..). This is about being a good steward of my body, living by good choices and not by my whims and desires, and teaching my kids and others about good health and having a strong healthy body that will survive as long as my days are ordained for me. Nothing fits.. I am uncomfortable and my body is beginning to unravel system by system. I mean.. I tore my rotator cuff in my SLEEP (a year ago). I bend over to do something and my air supply is cut off. I won't live this way.

Now it is time to reevaluate where you want to be and why and get on the plan you know has worked for you in the past (or find one you think might work for you now) and set reasonable goals for yourself. I have allowed myself treats and exemptions for the last 4 years and i am carrying each of those choices on my body right now. No slice of gourmet dessert or glass of wine is worth it to me anymore. I am sick of how I feel and look and I want my boyfriend and children to be proud of me.

Now get off your tuchus and get with the program so you can be pleased with yourself.

We can do this.

Day Three

Today i begin day three. I was looking forward all day yesterday for after 5 pm when i could post and i simply got too busy. You know.. work, kids, responsibilities, bla bla.

Although I see that I will be soon getting sick of eating the same basic t hing all day every day, I like the feeling of divorcing myself from "want" and "need". I am focusing on keeping my body fed all day long with small relativel

y nutritious mini meals and boosting my metabolism. I sort of like the issue of not really needing to make any decisions about what to eat and when. I see that I will ultimately need to have some crunchy snack options.

I have been told by both my daughter and boyfriend that my professional "before" picture really doesn't "look like" me.. and my daughter suggested maybe it was taking during a bad day of my cycle where i was retaining water. I don't know. All I know is that it was taken.. it exists.. it is the worst picture I have of myself weightwise and, even though I don't see myself like that, I am choosing to make it public. I will take pictures on a regular basis to demonstrate what i "really" look like. Today's picture was taken back in December at our company holiday party. I feel it is fairly accurate of what I look like.

I feel like I need to start figuring out how to work exercise into my daily life. Something has to be rearranged to make this work. Today I decided that I am going to walk the deposit to the bank instead of ride it in... which should be about a 40 minute round trip walk. I will do this at lunch. The perfectionist in me scoffs at these small attempts (walking to a meeting on Tuesday.. 20 minutes round trip) but you have to start somewhere right?

I am feeling shaky and run down today. I think my body is getting used to this new thing I have submitted it to.

The one thing I struggle with about this diet is the reliance on prepackaged foods, some of which contain artificial sweeteners. I really prefer to fill my diet with whole foods relying heavily on produce, but obviously if that is how i HAD been eating, I wouldn't be in this place. So for now, I am going to accept this undesired artificial style diet to get some results and will focus on eating whole foods and produce based diet for maintanence as well as ongoing weight loss once I have dropped the initial GOB of extra weight I have put on in the last two or three years.

The one thing i can say for sure is I feel IN CONTROL and encouraged that I have BEGUN, am focused, and I know i will see progress.

I ordered a scale yesterday and that, my compression suit, and meal replacement shakes should arrive shortly. Then I will have a way to keep track of actual pounds and body fat.

Cheers :)

(Bottom picture is a genuine end of the day Day 3 picture)

Day One

Today is officialy DAY ONE on my new "getting unfat" program.  I had in mind exactly what I was looking for:  I am impatient and need fast results.  I need to have few choices to make and the choices need to be fast and easy to grab/access.  It can't be insanely expensive.  I need to see that it has worked for others.  It has to be really really fast with results.

Did I mention that I need really fast results because I am one impatient person?

I found a hera who exemplifies exactly what I have been striving for.  Her plan is very close to what I had imagined with some great details and additional information, and it was relatively easy to begin immediately.  Best yet, she did this program two years ago and has maintained her drastic fast weight loss.

I think I have gained about 50 pounds since I went through my separation almost 8 years ago.  It crept back on ten pounds at a time but most of the weight has come on in the last three years.  Every time I have worked on losing weight (except for one time), I ended up gaining instead.

Our office had some professional photos done and I was SHOCKED when I saw mine.  I thought:  "When did I become a pretty, fat chick?

So today is day one of following the Impatient Dieter's plan.  So far it has been effortless except for forcing myself to eat every few hours even when I didn't feel hungry at all.  I drank a ton of water and felt nearly euphoric from that.

I have ordered my meal replacement shakes but am using Atkins shakes for now even though they are not sufficient nutritionally and have filled my freezer with lean frozen meals.  Eating out will be simple choosing salads with a lean protein.  I plan to aim for 4-5 shakes a day instead of 7 and eat more fruits and veggies in between.  Her caloric goal was 1200.  I will aim for that but allow for it to drop due to my height.

I have also ordered a compression suit that she recommends for working out and sleeping in.  My next purchase is a scale.  I plan to use the weight from my recent mammogram as my starting weight even though i was fully clothed and it was at a doctor's office.

So here goes...