It's Never Too Late.. And I Never Gave Up

Even though I abandoned this blog sometime ago, I have continued to log almost daily on MyFitnesspal.com the entire time (minus a few off periods of a few months, once up to 6 months). I have tried many different things. I learned (from very dogmatic adherents) that a moderate calorie cut was best (no more than 20% from your Total Daily Energy Expenditure) and that I should eat 'sufficient calories' and 'adequate protein'. I became proficient weighing and measuring everything and begin strength training three times a week. At best, I got to the point where I was losing 1/2 pound a week but not consistently. I blamed myself. I must be underestimating portions. I must be doing something wrong. I must have forgotten to log something I ate. I would like to say that, while all of the time I've been on MyFitnessPal my efforts were not perfect, I have been trying for years in a moderate fashion and,aside from passing back and forth the same 5-7 pounds, I got nowhere. I had many "friends" on MFP that would have unfriended me had I dropped my calories below a certain point.

I am sort of finished justifying things, apologizing, giving data to support my perspective, etc. I am doing a plan that, so far is consistently working, and I am going to do it until I hit a pre-determined weight (or date whichever comes first) and then I am going to back off some and go to a more moderate approach.

I am really tired of being fat.

A few years ago, I googled "how to lose 20 pounds fast" (or some such thing) and came across Lyle McDonald and his book on a very low calorie diet (VLCD) referred to as a Protein Sparing Modified Fast (PSMF) . In this book, he repeatedly mentions that this is not in any way the ideal way to lose weight, but that he know people are going to crash diet anyhow and, if you are going to do that, this is the scientifically best way to do that without losing your lean body mass and your health. Challenge accepted. I did a very modified version of that diet back in 2009 and (I didn't have a scale at that time), I dropped at least one clothing size and looked good in a short period of time. I didn't maintain the general principles and, of course, I gained the weight back.

I am getting married this summer. I have been forlorn with the fact that I have been utterly unsuccessful in losing the weight I hoped to before my wedding, so I revisited the PSMF. I'd say that I am still more or less doing a modified version of it (mostly because I am doing it longer than a few weeks and I need to keep myself interested and engaged), but the results, finally, have been encouraging.

The plan, in a nutshell, puts you into a fast, eating only as much protein as will maintain your lean body mass during your loss. The idea is that, unless you eat adequate protein, when you lose weight, some of it will be fat, some will be water, and some will be lean tissue. This method aims to keep (as much of)your muscle (as you can) while you lose weight. There are calculations to determine how many grams of protein a person needs to eat in a day based on things like age, weight, and body fat percentage. So you are more eating your protein grams than eating calories. In its purest form, people on this plan only eat lean protein and non starchy vegetables and some fat free dairy. And it isn't very many calories.

Most people on this diet lose a lot of weight fast. I have been losing an average of 2 pounds a week at almost a 1,000 calorie a day deficit. Two pounds a week falls within the supposed "healthy range" of weight loss even if the number of calories I am eating does not which is confusing to me and says a lot. I am going to go out on a limb and say that maybe my TDEE is much much lower than the average person and I am not supposed to be eating 1500 calories a day of "adequate calories at a moderate cut." Or maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't know. I just don't like failing when I try so very hard. So this is what I am doing.

I decided to revive this blog because I wanted a place where I could document what I am doing and how it is going and it seemed silly to start a brand new blog. Anyone who is reading a weight loss blog probably has been down this same road. Started, SO EXCITED!, Doing ok! Doing less OK! Fades off, gains weight back, slinks back in with shame. Starts over.

I started a Very Low Calorie Diet on December 30th and I started the PSMF on January 6th. To date, I have lost about 11 1/2 pounds. I am taking progress pictures regularly both clothed and in a "bikini." The first set of comparison pictures was spectacular. I was blown away with the drastic change. Since then, the changes are more subtle. I am sure if I take a picture at the 2 month mark and compare it, it will again be dramatic.

The lesson I learned from re-reading my entire blog was that I give up and quit too early every single time. Seriously EVERY SINGLE TIME. I get angry, impatient, resentful, and full of self pity if I don't see consistent results that I feel are in line with the amount of effort I am putting in. So my justification is, "If i am working this hard with nearly zero results, why am I doing this? Why not just eat what I want to?" No. Not quitting. I am staying with this at least until the end of April or when I hit 130 pounds which is at the very maximum I am supposed to be for a healthy weight (101-131).

No Room For Shame

I rediscovered this blog when old posts have started popping up on the "Memory" feature on Facebook. I re-read this entire blog in one sitting and had very strong feelings resulting from that.

I came away with a combination of embarrassment, regret, and all sorts of other things. When I first started this blog, I was SO HYPED UP to FINALLY succeed and, once and for all, get all of this (then) fairly recent large weight gain OFF FOR GOOD. And I followed my path of abandoning it during a very difficult time, restarting it many times but never quite catching the fever I had at the beginning. And that was five years ago. FIVE.

I spent some time ruminating over all of this trying to determine what i could glean from this whole experience. I think that the overwhelming lesson I learned by reading and looking back on all the other times I have come back to this over and over again since then is I JUST CANNOT QUIT. The recurring theme was I would work super hard, put 100% effort into it (more or less), expect gargantuan results because of the sort of results I witnessed other people having, getting very much less than gargantuan results, getting discouraged, angry, and resentful, and fading off. If I had kept on back then, if I had only lost 1 pound a month, I would be 60 pounds less right now. Or so. And I read myself saying things like that when I picked it back up again and started over. Again. And again. And again.

I have had several other "I am really serious now, guys!" moments since I stopped writing in this blog. I had considered reviving this, but I had been embarrassed by the methods and "bro science" ideology I embraced and I didn't want other people to read that. But I am back. Again. And I am doing things every bit as drastic as I did in the beginning five years ago. Maybe even more so. This time, I am more or less emulating a science based plan written by Lyle MacDonald that isn't meant to be long term. I will go into what I am doing, why and how, and what my goals and plans are in my next entry. This is just about me slinking back in here. Embarrassed... scared (because I am back in that hyper devoted mode as I was at the beginning of this and I am afraid ... terrified.. that Five years in the future me will come back and still be overweight having not succeeded or having gained it all back. i just can't can't can't.