Retiring Fat Clothes

It's really interesting.  Yesterday, I wore one of my wardrobe staples to work.  A narrow floor length skirt with a flowy short sleeve black top.  I wore that outfit once a week forever.  At dance class last night during warm up (in front of a mirror), I noticed how awful it looked.  I looked big and sack-ish.  When I went home to change into comfies, I saw in the mirror that this shirt, that has been one of my happy mainstays for a really long time, is something I am going to have to retire now.  It was bittersweet!!!!  I love this top. But it looks awful now because it is huge and baggy and it is NOT flattering.

My pile of clothes that are being retired is getting bigger.  It's an enigma.  I have a whole section of clothes I have not worn often because "It will look better if I'm a little smaller," but when i get smaller, they don't look good because they are too big on me and look like they are a size too big.  There has been great safety and comfort in my too-big clothes;  they were easy to hide in.  I am a little afraid to get rid of them.

I am not complaining.. it's just an interesting phenomenon.  Thankfully, I have a whole bunch of clothes from before I gained this recent past 7 years or so weight.. but they probably are no longer in style or really MY style anymore.  I guess we will see.  I am in my size 10 jeans which has been my gateway size between fat and not fat.  I am not going to see any loss for probably another week due to cycle, but the next chunk of loss is going to be a really big deal to me.  Last time I weighed and checked in my progress, I was just a little over 145 bringing me JUST BELOW a twenty pound loss.  But even moreso, I am getting closer to breaking out of the 140s.  Since 130 is my wedding goal, I can see a finish line in the distance.  The finish line of my weight loss 10K compared to the finish line of a weight loss marathon.

And to recap, I have lost 19.3 pounds in 74 days or 2 1/2 months or under two pounds a week. This is not rapid weight loss even though I am eating a very low calorie diet.  If I were eating at what I used to think was my TDEE -20% I would STILL not be losing any weight.  Right now, I am going with my gut on this, although I am not sure I think this is sustainable long term.

I am used to my calorie level and the amount of food I have grown used to eating. Most of the time, I don't feel 'dying of  hunger' although there are times I really really really want something different or a dessert. That said, last night, I had a compromise dinner.  Had a dinner meeting at a deli we really like and I chose a pastrami sandwich (the lesser fatty of the choices) on lettuce instead of the gluten free bun and a small side of very mayonaise-y cole slaw (I only ate half and i tried not to eat the goopy mayo sauce) and i ended up having very sharp pains in.. I am not sure what organ it is.. I am thinking my gall bladder.. that have not fully gone away.  Maybe eating something fatty after eating mostly lean proteins?  I am not sure.  I am a little concerned, but I will see how this goes.

Anyhow, postscipt:  I am going to need to buy some transitional clothes soon.  I might make a trip to a thrift store this weekend and go hunting.  It will be interesting to see how many wrong sizes I bring into the changing room before I figure out where I really am now.  My mind takes a while to catch up to the loss..

Slow Loss is Still Loss. Again.

Written 3-10-16

I don't know why my loss has slowed down so much.  It hardly seems scientifically possible, but here I am again. But the one thing I have learned over and over again (as i read back in this blog and recall my many years at MyFitnessPal) is that this is not the time to quit in righteous indignation.

It feels frustrating to fall from a 2# a week loss to less than 1#, (but not even consistently).  But over time, that 1# or so a week will add up compared to just stopping now in frustration.  I have 18 weeks until the day of my wedding.  If i lose 1# a week until then, I will be just below my (wedding) goal.  My plan was to get there by the end of April so that I'd have less pressure on me for the last two and half months, but I cannot control what I cannot control.

The truth is that, even though this is not where I would like to be right now, the progress I have made so far is monumental compared to where I have been.  I went from fat to overweight more or less.  At least in my personal definition which can be explained by:  Fat = only wearing clothes that completely hide all of my body.  Never wearing anything that shows my waist at all.  Overweight = Will occasionally wear something tucked in (but with a really wide decorative belt) and will wear shape fitting clothing that are flattering.  Still not happy with how I look, but so much happier than I was before.

I can probably start looking for a dress knowing it likely won't fit in four months and will need some alterations.  I think I will wait one more month though.

What I have changed:  I am not sticking closely to the PSMF. With that plan, I am supposed to be basically only eating my calories in the minimum level of protein grams to maintain my lean mass and no more.  I am also allowed "calorie free"vegetables and non carb non calorie condiments.  (All veggies have calories, so that is sort of silly, but I eat veggies to satiation and I love them anyhow).  What I AM eating is... trying to hit my protein macros (not always lean protein), (but need to reevaluate what that is now) and other things to go along with it, but trying to keep calories under a certain number.  When I eat about 200 calories under what I am now, I see more loss.  When I drink water consistently (at least 80 ounces a day), I see more loss.

I am also more active than I was.  I am not sure how calorically valuable the activity is, but I do know that being more active makes me feel better physically and mentally and that is valuable to me.  We are taking two types of dance classes each week for an hour each time. One of the classes isn't very exercisey, but there is a live dance afterwards which is. The second class is a lot more cardio-ish.  I don't believe cardio is valuable for weight loss or body re-composition, but it helps my mental health and general well-being.   Lately, I have done some workout on my Fridays that I work at home.  That has involved some weights and sometimes going on the treadmill on a steep incline but walking a normal pace (2.7-3.2 mph which is up to a brisk pace for me at my  height.  anything over 3.5 mph is almost running for me).

I know that i need to up my game weights wise and the frantic busy pace of our lives has precluded that.  I can make some decent body changes in 4 months if I am really focused on that.

So to date, I have lost 17.5 pounds since New Years, and to me that is a really decent change.  I am 2.5 pounds away from a 20# loss which will feel really rewarding.

The other thing I am working on is doing things to hopefully combat PCOS.  I bought both kinds of cinnamon and some gelatin capsules. Right now, I am taking the spendy Ceylon variety which is less toxic to the liver, but might not be as effective as the Cassia variety that is more toxic, but produces better results in clinical trials regarding blood sugar and insulin sensitivity.  I might toggle back and forth between them... I am currently TRYING to take about 1.5 mg per meal (twice a day).  I am also taking rhodiola in tincture form...trying to take it twice a day also.  I often forget to bring them with me though, so i am not as consistent as I could be.  I have not started investigating taking Metformin.  I have read about mixed results from that.  It might be worth a try.

(I didn't realized I hadn't posted this)

I am a Special Snowflake

I will beat this.  

I have spent the last two days reading other people's testimonies, stories, successes and failures surrounding PCOS and weight loss and, if absolutely nothing else, I feel so incredibly validated finally.

I cannot tell you the level of guilt and shame I have felt over the last 8 years or so (but really... going back to after my 16 year old was born..) trying to work on my weight and seeing little to no results no matter what I did.  You just know that people are sort of scrutinizing you in disbelief.  You are not REALLY weighing or measuring your food.  You are not accurately logging.  "OK, special snowflake, science and the law of physics don't apply to you."  I realize that not everyone that struggles with weight loss with PCOS is actually eating at a deficit and accurately measuring their food, but I was (most of the time).  I have told people for years that moderation does not work for me.  The only way I am able to lose weight is by drastic means.  Now I can finally get validation that it is true.  I am not crazy.  I am not being dishonest logging.  I am not underestimating my caloric intake (most of the time, but come on.. I'm human).  I am not lazy.

My next step, aside from staying on the path I am currently on, is trying additional things that might help with the PCOS symptoms (such as insulin resistance).  Many women with PCOS take Metformin and some of those women experience immediate stasis and lose a lot of weight right away, and some of those women had zero results.  Most had bad side effects.  I would rather not take Metformin, but I am willing to consider it for the short term,.

Ceylon Cinnamon is supposed to help with insulin sensitivity.  I have it in essential oil form and I also plan to buy some (ground) at the natural market to take in gel caps.  I am amassing a list of supplements that are supposed to help with PCOS (Chromium, Rhodiola, Holy Basil, Saw Palmetto)... not sure which of those I will try.

I will not quit.  I have hit the 15# loss mark and I am going to keep going.  Eventually, I will be willing to take a slower approach as long as I see consistent progress, but for now, I am still staying on the same path trying to get to my pre-wedding goal of 130# / 20 more pounds lost.  It is not an outlandish unreachable goal.

Science.

2-25-16  I haven't seen any movement on the scale for a week and a half.  Ok well that isn't totally true.  I showed a gain.  I have seen some of that gain diminish, but it hasn't gone back to what I was showing a week and a half ago.  At eating very very low calories with a few days of going higher (but still significantly under maintenance calories. By several hundred calories, even).  The body fat reading on my scale is showing a loss though, although I have no idea how much stock to put into that unless it consistently shows the loss.  My hydration reading is up. Same concept.

I feel very different.  I feel like I look very different.. but my progress pictures are subtle at best.

Still, I cling to the concept of science.  

Except for the whole PCOS thing.  I have sort of ignored this part of my health since it was mentioned to me in passing maybe 23 years ago with absolutely no instruction how to manage it, so I sort of dismissed it (after all, I somehow managed to get pregnant and have three children without medical intervention).  Now that I am reading about it, I see that my issues are sadly common... working really hard and seeing nearly no progress.  Having "Calories in/Calories out" really not add up to expected weight loss, having my TDEE* not match up to what the charts say it is supposed to be. Working super hard and ping ponging back and forth the same old 5 pounds with no real success.
(TDEE = Total Daily Energy Expenditure. This is your basal metabolic rate, for the most part, with your activity level factored in.  When you are tracking by your TDEE, you typically do not "eat back" your exercise calories as those are more or less already factored into your allowance.)

2-29-16  I am taking a LEAP of faith (see what I did there?  It's leap day.) that if I stay on this path, I will indeed see the changes I am working so hard for.  On Saturday, I had an "eff it" day and ate whatever I wanted including sugar, high salt, and custard.,  I still stayed under 1500 calories  so it wasn't like I binged, but it was very different than I'd been eating.  Woke up the next day and showed a 2 pound loss on the scale. WHATEVER.  Ate high carb/high salt yesterday simply because it was what had been prepared for everyone else and I didn't have the time to cook for myself.  Showed  a one pound gain from my lowest weight 2 weeks ago or so.

I am just not willing to give myself over to the panic "Oh no!  i can eat starvation level calories and still gain weight because of my effing warped health."  There HAS to be a way around it and I refuse to give in.  I insist that I will lose another 20 pounds before my wedding no matter what I have to do.  I am just not giving in.

I seem to do better weight loss wise when I drink a lot of water.  I don't think there is anything magical about water drinking aside from the fact I think I eat more salt than I should. some of my recent common food choices are high in sodium, and I retain fluid easily.  I simply think the water dilutes the salt and allows my body not to retain a ton of fluids.

Last Tuesday, we went to lift at the gym and I started the 5 x 5 program, but I don't think I read about it adequately. I just saw "Do these three exercises at these weights and reps" and did no warm up lifts and I pretty much killed my legs.  I hadn't done squats in pretty much years and I jumped right in with weighted squats.  I couldn't walk for days.  Like.. needed pain killers, couldn't walk.  Lesson learned because I could not go back to the gym on schedule.  I was in terrible pain.  Reset.

I read that people with PCOS tend to "need" far fewer calories than typical people.  By "need" I mean "won't burn off as many calories by simply existing".. so if a typical person my age/height/weight might have a TDEE of 1800 calories, mine might be 1200.  Which means that in order to lose weight, I have to eat less than that.  And I also read that if you have Insulin Resistance on top of the PCOS, it might be even lower.  So this means when I eat at an anorexic level of calories and people freak out and unfriend me on My  Fitness Pal, I am still only losing (at best) 2 pounds a week at very very low calories.  Don't hate on me.  I'd love to eat 1800 calories and still lose weight.  It isn't happening for me and I've been trying for a very long time.  When I say I only lose when I do drastic, just believe me, ok?  You can trust that I love food and I'd really like to be eating more of it.