What the hell week am I on anyhow?

I can’t remember the last number I had posted. I have started two or three new posts and have lost them, so here goes my third try.

At last weigh in, I had lost a total of 7.8 pounds. Since then, I had my son’s birthday Chinese buffet dinner (where I tried to stay as close to plan as possible, but.. ) and my company Holiday dinner (I deliberately chose to go off plan “within reason”.. I indulged more than I had planned to). It has been VERY difficult getting back and staying back on plan since then. I have been craving heavy foods constantly and once you dip your toe in compromise, it becomes easier and easier to justify. I am really TRYING to stay on plan and, for the most part, I have been successful. My biggest downfall has been that I have stopped writing everything down and I need to begin doing that again. I have begun adding some frozen fruit to some of my shakes and one or two shakes per day, I allow either low calorie coconut milk (not the canned kind, but the kind in the soy milk/rice milk/almond milk category) which is about 50 calories per cup OR I blend in ¼ cup of low fat cottage cheese into the shake. I have no idea how that has played out calorie wise.

This morning I did force myself to weigh in and I had gained 1.6 pounds from the last time I had weighed. I think this is reasonable considering the two dinners out and the one dinner at someone’s house AND this being my hormonal “week before”.

So my current goal is to start writing every little thing down again and stop guessing and hoping I am within my range.

My best motivation is looking at pictures of myself even two years ago (when I was horrified about how much weight I had gained but was still much smaller than I am now) and renewing my commitment to stay on track.

I have to say I HAVE noticed a marked difference between the Aspertame shakes and the Sucralose shakes. I feel like crap when I drink the former and fine when I drink latter. Aspertame consistently gives me headaches and I get a weird sensation on the roof of my mouth. I have always gotten that from aspartame. Plus, I am currently consuming a shake and occasionally I am getting these horrible tasting crystals that taste like a chemical cleanser. I cannot imagine what it could be, but let’s face it. Both sweeteners are some artificial chemical process and it stands to reason that, given the right circumstance, they might degrade back into their chemical components. It is nasty when it happens and it makes me feel duped like I THINK I am consuming something that tastes good, but really it is some horrible chemical experiment that makes my body think it tastes good when it really has the flavor of Drain-O. The things we do to conform to societal standards..

I am discouraged because I want to already be 25 pounds down. All I can do is keep on.

Famished

Last night I hit “famished”. It wasn’t too horribly bad.. but a good dinner didn’t satisfy me and left me hungry later. For dinner I had baked winter squash, fresh brussel sprouts and catfish nuggets cooked without fat, simmered in some water , drained, and then finished with a small sprinkling of corn meal, shredded coconut and drizzled with some lite coconut milk (simmered). It was very nice! I ended up making a later night diet shake with ( a diet shake mix and) a frozen banana and ¼ cup of cottage cheese blended. It was VERY filling and satisfying. I also ate about ¼ cup of the cottage cheese (additionally) on its own. I began today with hunger pains and feeling hungry earlier than usual.

My new shakes arrived this morning and, due to my gnawing hunger, I have been able to try two of the new flavors. The flavors are REALLY good, but I have to say I am not super impressed with Sucralose over Aspertame. We’ll see if it gives me nasty headaches also. So my solution today is to have a shake when I am hungry. I will have a nice big salad at lunch and hopefully a nice filling healthy dinner. If I allow myself to get super hungry, I am going to topple over and I want to avoid that even if I go over my caloric allowance by a bit for a day or two. Remember that I had been expecting a few days of ravishing hunger following a few days of not eating many calories last week.

I have chosen not to weigh myself since Sunday.

Due to interfering life and lack of an established routine, I have still not gotten on my treadmill. I am going to have to find a way to make it part of my daily life somehow while still feeling like I get SOME down-time before the lights go off. I USED TO get up at 5:30 and go to the gym twice a week before work. I should be able to do this.

I need to be patient and let things work. It WILL work if I stick with it and don’t quit. This time around, I really really do not want to fail no matter what happens in life. I am hoping the people in my life will encourage me and spur me onward even when I start making excuses or resting on laurels of recent loss.

I am trying to plan for the upcoming holiday season. This Saturday is my office Holiday party at a local chic Italian restaurant. I am trying to anticipate how to handle it.. avoid bread and pasta (at an Italian restaurant.. oy).. maybe allow myself to lightly sample appetizers and avoid dessert. Since I am not drinking, that cuts out calories tremendously. I have thought through allowing myself a modified meal off plan for upcoming events with limits. One night of maybe 3 latkes.. and then be done with it. One meal of a compromised special dinner with limits.. and be done. I know how to make things work.. I ask for extra vegetables in substitution for the starch.. I choose the healthier protein option that is not drenched in cream and cheese.. I avoid the bread basket or allow myself a small nibble and be done with it.. etc. If my mind is determined, I can do it. If I can vow to do twice the exercise for each modified meal, I can probably counterbalance.

The key is to acknowledge that I am not being “ripped off” or missing out on anything. This is a choice I am making to be happier with my skin suit and my health. I can try Josh’s dessert, taste it, and be done. I am doing something much better for myself by working hard at this NOW so that my life can feel more enjoyable to me in the future. I do NOT like existing in a fog of shame and regret.

Meanwhile, the season for coworkers fattening each other up with shared goodies has begun. My desk is situated so that most of the goodies are placed directly in front of me. Today, there is a tub of caramel toffee scones sitting in front of me. I am handling it fine, but I let everyone know that I will probably relocate the goody location to another spot in the office from this point forward. I only have so much willpower!

So I am considering this period of time sort of “coasting”.. just doin’ the stuff and waiting for noticeable results. When clothes begin to fit me better and ultimately when I can begin wearing clothes that have been on hiatus for some time.. I will be a lot more encouraged. Until then, the scale is my barometer, unfortunately.

I have REALLY appreciated and enjoyed the feedback/encouragement/notes I have been getting more than anything else. Please keep commenting and writing.. follow the blog.. let me know how you are doing etc. I cannot tell you enough how much it has and does sustain me and prod me onward.

Enjoy today..

Peeking out from behind the "Meh": Beginning of Week 2

Yesterday marked one full calendar week from the day I weighed myself and spun out into despair over the reality of the fact I totally undid all the hard work I had done last Winter.

Yesterday morning I weighed 6.4 pounds less than I did a week ago. I don't really care if that weight was water, fat, heart tissue, or alien implants.. I am simply happy that it is gone and that I have tangible proof that what I am doing is having any sort of impact at all. And if you doubt the relief of losing water you have been retaining, you are likely not a woman with intact reproductive organs.

This past weekend, I didn't really write things down and keep track.. I just continued on with what I had been doing. I will re-create it and do it today just to see where I ended up. I don't want to do that very often, because I find that we tend to underestimate and under report what we eat. That said, I ate a big elaborate salad for one of my two "real food" meals both days and yesterday my love made me an egg white omelet cooked with very little fat and lots of veggies with just a bit of grated cheese for flavor. I haven't been doing well with water. My plan is to do what I had done before and make a big container of water flavored with citrus, a few berries and slices of cucumber.. like you enjoy in the lobbies of good hotels.

I am blasting through the leftovers of the shakes and pudding mixes I had last go around trying to keep things interesting. I have been using the pudding mixes as shakes by just adding more water. That only works if you add things to it including splenda otherwise it is icky. I had a caramel pudding blended into a shake with a frozen banana on Saturday and it was really good.

My splenda-based shakes will arrive on Wednesday. I have been having around 3 shakes a day plus two produce and lean protein based meals. I am aiming to remain at or below 29 Weight Watcher points plus points and at or under 1200 calories per day.

The person whose plan I follow (loosely) eats 9 meals a day with the goal to keep her metabolism up. She has 7 shakes a day and two meals at around 250 calories each. I have been having 3 shakes that often are made with 1.5 packets of the shake mix for a bigger shake. I might try her plan just for size. So to speak.

I feel pretty stable in terms of being on track with the diet plan. Next step is getting my exercise routine in place as routine. Rockstar Treadmill has been set up and I have looked upon it lovingly but have not mounted and conquered it yet. My goal is to start this evening.

My hope is to see a total of at least 10 pounds lost by next Sunday. I am hoping that adding exercise will help make that probable.

One more thing I am trying to focus on right now is to dress as though I am already beginning to look like myself again. Do you tend to dress the way you feel? I looked in the mirror at myself this weekend.. dressed in a coffee-stained oversized white man's T shirt and jeans.. no makeup with hair up in a frazzled messy ponytail.. and I thought about how much my partner must love me. So last night at seven PM.. I did my makeup and hair and put on a cute colorful outfit and greeted him like we were going out on a date. Score! I am going to begin trying to dress as though I was already approaching my goal weight (not in clothes several sizes too small!) but as though I was happy with how I look and not trying to hide.

I Hate Aspertame

Day 4 Thursday

I really do not like Aspertame. It isn’t because I like sugar and it isn’t sweet enough. Au contraire. I just hate the cardboard-ish way it tastes and the crappy way it makes me feel. It is not meant to be consumed.. I know this instinctively. I am really eager for my shakes (sans Aspertame) to arrive.. but they aren’t expected until next Friday. Not sure what I am going to do since I am going to have LONG run out of shake packets before then. I guess I am going to have to find an interim plan until they arrive. And, by the way, those shakes contain Sucralose.. and I realize that is merely the lesser of two evils.

Right now I am “enjoying” a mocha cream shake with three floating frozen strawberries (serving as flavorful ice cubes) and a dash of Frontier brand Raspberry flavoring. So a chilled Raspberry mocha if you will. Won’t you? No?

Really. These shakes are SO much better than they could be. The best I have tried so far.. and they are only 100 calories per envelope. I tend to make a 12 ounce shake using 1.5 envelopes. Sometimes at night, I will make a vanilla based one with some frozen fruit. I did buy a mini blender to keep at work, but I keep forgetting to bring it.. plus I have no ICE.

On the new WW plan, fruit is “free”, but I am still keeping track and eating it sparingly. They have made it “free” because “nobody is at WW for abusing apples” .. but fruit is still calorie rich and I am one who likes to eat a lot of veggies anyhow. I think they are trying to encourage people to eat fruit instead of low or zero point no nutrition foods like fat free pretzels etc.

Day 4 found me at just under my weight watcher point limit and at under 1050 calories. I did not tally it up until this (Friday) morning and simply ate to satiation mindfully. Usually when I eat “low” for a few days, I have a day or two of feeling positively famished, so I am anticipating that this weekend. I chose not to weigh myself this morning (Friday) because I was afraid of seeing the pound loss go away.

Treadmill not set up yet, so no exercise started.

Feeling less “meh”.. more in control.. knowing that I will feel significantly lighter within a week. Just plugging along.

Combatting Shame

Wednesday (Day 3)

I am not sure how, but I am nearly back to my starting weight from when I began the journey last February. Well.. “how” is because I stopped trying and then Unbridled Thanksgiving happened. I cannot even begin to state how exasperated I am to have to start over instead of, had I even moderately attempted to stay on some sort of plan, I would be finished by now. I am also really embarrassed that I “failed”. I think that is the hardest part for me.. that I embarked on this journey.. I publicized it.. made a big deal about it.. then I failed.

Granted a lot of life happened in the interim, but everyone has stuff going on in their lives. Boo hoo.. ya know?

So anyhow.. I am humbly back.. embarrassed, bloated, discouraged.. bla bla bla.

I spent some time yesterday re-reading old blogs I posted hearing how encouraged I was.. how happy I was to lose that 16 pounds.. how dedicated I was. I revisited the Impatient Dieter’s site to get re-inspired by her modest effort-mammoth results and I regrouped my mindset. I have had three successful days now. We bought a really decent treadmill last night and as soon as it is set up, it will become my intimate companion. I have ideas. I placed an order for the replacement shakes (now without aspartame!) and have been mindful about my eating choices. I have even researched the new-ish Weight Watchers plan and am keeping two counters: calories and points trying to stay on track with both. Why am I doing that? I am not sure.. because I know that WW has worked for me in the way past.. because I feel that if I had, at the least, stuck to slow-moving Weight Watchers, I would have at least lost about a pound a week in the past 24 weeks.. and because I am not fully certain I WON’T decide to simply do WW. I don’t know.

Thursday (Day 4)

Yesterday was a meh day and I ate probably half of what I should have. This am showed a loss of about 3 pounds from the day before and 4.6 pounds from when I weighed on Sunday afternoon. I am under no illusion this is anything more than water and I am fine with that. I am not even excited, to be honest! Meh.

I am back to meal replacements this week (about 3 a day) with produce/lean protein meals (two a day). While I did place a new order for aspartame-free shakes, the ones I had leftover from before are riddled with the crap and I am having nonstop pounding torturous headaches. The good thing is that, even though I am not “feeling it” in terms of “wahoo.. I am on track! Doing the weight loss thing!”.. I AM, nonetheless, doing it. When some results catch up with me, I will begin to feel it.

I stopped drinking (alcohol)back in early September, so that will be a significant advantage this time around. Once our rockstar treadmill is set up, I will be using it daily which will also be a significant advantage.

I have received a few side notes from friends empathizing with my struggle and identifying feeling the same way. Some are women in my same “place in life” .. mid to late 40’s.. approaching the first glimmers of menopause.. seeing that all those things that worked in the past don’t work anymore.. feeling frustrated, embarrassed, shamed.. depressed. All are accomplished beautiful women who do things that would positively astound you. Women of character and integrity raising amazing children.. doing fantastic things in the world. Fun, beautiful, witty, snarky women. Feeling shame because there are too many pounds hugging their curves.

Absurdity. Who decided that pounds determine worth?

So right now I am sipping on a concoction.. vanilla crème shake with a sprinkle of (a free sample sent to me by same company) “(high protein) tangy orange drink” making a sort of “creamsicle” shake with a few chunks of (previous frozen) mango floating in it. It is tepid and uninspiring (I have no ice cubes),but it is my meal and that is that.

Pressing on..