No Room For Shame

I rediscovered this blog when old posts have started popping up on the "Memory" feature on Facebook. I re-read this entire blog in one sitting and had very strong feelings resulting from that.

I came away with a combination of embarrassment, regret, and all sorts of other things. When I first started this blog, I was SO HYPED UP to FINALLY succeed and, once and for all, get all of this (then) fairly recent large weight gain OFF FOR GOOD. And I followed my path of abandoning it during a very difficult time, restarting it many times but never quite catching the fever I had at the beginning. And that was five years ago. FIVE.

I spent some time ruminating over all of this trying to determine what i could glean from this whole experience. I think that the overwhelming lesson I learned by reading and looking back on all the other times I have come back to this over and over again since then is I JUST CANNOT QUIT. The recurring theme was I would work super hard, put 100% effort into it (more or less), expect gargantuan results because of the sort of results I witnessed other people having, getting very much less than gargantuan results, getting discouraged, angry, and resentful, and fading off. If I had kept on back then, if I had only lost 1 pound a month, I would be 60 pounds less right now. Or so. And I read myself saying things like that when I picked it back up again and started over. Again. And again. And again.

I have had several other "I am really serious now, guys!" moments since I stopped writing in this blog. I had considered reviving this, but I had been embarrassed by the methods and "bro science" ideology I embraced and I didn't want other people to read that. But I am back. Again. And I am doing things every bit as drastic as I did in the beginning five years ago. Maybe even more so. This time, I am more or less emulating a science based plan written by Lyle MacDonald that isn't meant to be long term. I will go into what I am doing, why and how, and what my goals and plans are in my next entry. This is just about me slinking back in here. Embarrassed... scared (because I am back in that hyper devoted mode as I was at the beginning of this and I am afraid ... terrified.. that Five years in the future me will come back and still be overweight having not succeeded or having gained it all back. i just can't can't can't.