What the hell week am I on anyhow?

I can’t remember the last number I had posted. I have started two or three new posts and have lost them, so here goes my third try.

At last weigh in, I had lost a total of 7.8 pounds. Since then, I had my son’s birthday Chinese buffet dinner (where I tried to stay as close to plan as possible, but.. ) and my company Holiday dinner (I deliberately chose to go off plan “within reason”.. I indulged more than I had planned to). It has been VERY difficult getting back and staying back on plan since then. I have been craving heavy foods constantly and once you dip your toe in compromise, it becomes easier and easier to justify. I am really TRYING to stay on plan and, for the most part, I have been successful. My biggest downfall has been that I have stopped writing everything down and I need to begin doing that again. I have begun adding some frozen fruit to some of my shakes and one or two shakes per day, I allow either low calorie coconut milk (not the canned kind, but the kind in the soy milk/rice milk/almond milk category) which is about 50 calories per cup OR I blend in ¼ cup of low fat cottage cheese into the shake. I have no idea how that has played out calorie wise.

This morning I did force myself to weigh in and I had gained 1.6 pounds from the last time I had weighed. I think this is reasonable considering the two dinners out and the one dinner at someone’s house AND this being my hormonal “week before”.

So my current goal is to start writing every little thing down again and stop guessing and hoping I am within my range.

My best motivation is looking at pictures of myself even two years ago (when I was horrified about how much weight I had gained but was still much smaller than I am now) and renewing my commitment to stay on track.

I have to say I HAVE noticed a marked difference between the Aspertame shakes and the Sucralose shakes. I feel like crap when I drink the former and fine when I drink latter. Aspertame consistently gives me headaches and I get a weird sensation on the roof of my mouth. I have always gotten that from aspartame. Plus, I am currently consuming a shake and occasionally I am getting these horrible tasting crystals that taste like a chemical cleanser. I cannot imagine what it could be, but let’s face it. Both sweeteners are some artificial chemical process and it stands to reason that, given the right circumstance, they might degrade back into their chemical components. It is nasty when it happens and it makes me feel duped like I THINK I am consuming something that tastes good, but really it is some horrible chemical experiment that makes my body think it tastes good when it really has the flavor of Drain-O. The things we do to conform to societal standards..

I am discouraged because I want to already be 25 pounds down. All I can do is keep on.

Peeking out from behind the "Meh": Beginning of Week 2

Yesterday marked one full calendar week from the day I weighed myself and spun out into despair over the reality of the fact I totally undid all the hard work I had done last Winter.

Yesterday morning I weighed 6.4 pounds less than I did a week ago. I don't really care if that weight was water, fat, heart tissue, or alien implants.. I am simply happy that it is gone and that I have tangible proof that what I am doing is having any sort of impact at all. And if you doubt the relief of losing water you have been retaining, you are likely not a woman with intact reproductive organs.

This past weekend, I didn't really write things down and keep track.. I just continued on with what I had been doing. I will re-create it and do it today just to see where I ended up. I don't want to do that very often, because I find that we tend to underestimate and under report what we eat. That said, I ate a big elaborate salad for one of my two "real food" meals both days and yesterday my love made me an egg white omelet cooked with very little fat and lots of veggies with just a bit of grated cheese for flavor. I haven't been doing well with water. My plan is to do what I had done before and make a big container of water flavored with citrus, a few berries and slices of cucumber.. like you enjoy in the lobbies of good hotels.

I am blasting through the leftovers of the shakes and pudding mixes I had last go around trying to keep things interesting. I have been using the pudding mixes as shakes by just adding more water. That only works if you add things to it including splenda otherwise it is icky. I had a caramel pudding blended into a shake with a frozen banana on Saturday and it was really good.

My splenda-based shakes will arrive on Wednesday. I have been having around 3 shakes a day plus two produce and lean protein based meals. I am aiming to remain at or below 29 Weight Watcher points plus points and at or under 1200 calories per day.

The person whose plan I follow (loosely) eats 9 meals a day with the goal to keep her metabolism up. She has 7 shakes a day and two meals at around 250 calories each. I have been having 3 shakes that often are made with 1.5 packets of the shake mix for a bigger shake. I might try her plan just for size. So to speak.

I feel pretty stable in terms of being on track with the diet plan. Next step is getting my exercise routine in place as routine. Rockstar Treadmill has been set up and I have looked upon it lovingly but have not mounted and conquered it yet. My goal is to start this evening.

My hope is to see a total of at least 10 pounds lost by next Sunday. I am hoping that adding exercise will help make that probable.

One more thing I am trying to focus on right now is to dress as though I am already beginning to look like myself again. Do you tend to dress the way you feel? I looked in the mirror at myself this weekend.. dressed in a coffee-stained oversized white man's T shirt and jeans.. no makeup with hair up in a frazzled messy ponytail.. and I thought about how much my partner must love me. So last night at seven PM.. I did my makeup and hair and put on a cute colorful outfit and greeted him like we were going out on a date. Score! I am going to begin trying to dress as though I was already approaching my goal weight (not in clothes several sizes too small!) but as though I was happy with how I look and not trying to hide.

I Hate Aspertame

Day 4 Thursday

I really do not like Aspertame. It isn’t because I like sugar and it isn’t sweet enough. Au contraire. I just hate the cardboard-ish way it tastes and the crappy way it makes me feel. It is not meant to be consumed.. I know this instinctively. I am really eager for my shakes (sans Aspertame) to arrive.. but they aren’t expected until next Friday. Not sure what I am going to do since I am going to have LONG run out of shake packets before then. I guess I am going to have to find an interim plan until they arrive. And, by the way, those shakes contain Sucralose.. and I realize that is merely the lesser of two evils.

Right now I am “enjoying” a mocha cream shake with three floating frozen strawberries (serving as flavorful ice cubes) and a dash of Frontier brand Raspberry flavoring. So a chilled Raspberry mocha if you will. Won’t you? No?

Really. These shakes are SO much better than they could be. The best I have tried so far.. and they are only 100 calories per envelope. I tend to make a 12 ounce shake using 1.5 envelopes. Sometimes at night, I will make a vanilla based one with some frozen fruit. I did buy a mini blender to keep at work, but I keep forgetting to bring it.. plus I have no ICE.

On the new WW plan, fruit is “free”, but I am still keeping track and eating it sparingly. They have made it “free” because “nobody is at WW for abusing apples” .. but fruit is still calorie rich and I am one who likes to eat a lot of veggies anyhow. I think they are trying to encourage people to eat fruit instead of low or zero point no nutrition foods like fat free pretzels etc.

Day 4 found me at just under my weight watcher point limit and at under 1050 calories. I did not tally it up until this (Friday) morning and simply ate to satiation mindfully. Usually when I eat “low” for a few days, I have a day or two of feeling positively famished, so I am anticipating that this weekend. I chose not to weigh myself this morning (Friday) because I was afraid of seeing the pound loss go away.

Treadmill not set up yet, so no exercise started.

Feeling less “meh”.. more in control.. knowing that I will feel significantly lighter within a week. Just plugging along.

Making Peace With My Body

After 45 years in this skin suit of mine, I would hope that, at this point, I would have made peace with the vehicle I have been given, but I have not. Even back at a size 4 in high school at 100 pounds hating myself for not being 90 pounds (yes, really) to now at my “highest weight ever by a long shot not having just had a baby”. Frankly, I am not sure I was consistently this size after having my third child.

From the divorce diet (How the hell am I going to survive??) to the newly single diet (Holy hell.. someone might see my naked body) to the GZ diet (what the hell just happened???) to the ongoing formerly single diet (It is imperative for me to always look hot) .. at some point I got tired of the whole need-to-be-thin-and-hot game and got off the merry go round.

I am SO fortunate to have a wonderful and evolved partner who genuinely appreciates the figures of real women and prefers women curvy. And I know he will never love me less if I gain or never lose and he won’t love me more if I attain my “goal weight” even if I clearly look better one way more than the other.

Regardless, * I * am not evolved enough to accept myself as is and am extremely distressed about where I am at. It isn’t just an appearance thing.. I am too small to carry as much extra as I am and I just am not comfortable and my back hurts a lot etc. I am frustrated because instead of doing the longer term slow plans I know work for me, I have opted to do quick loss methods that are not sustainable through things like trips and holidays (unlike plans like Weight Watchers where you can eat whatever you want as long as you plan for it and make adjustments). Had I done Weight Watchers when I embarked on a serious “this is it. I am done with this weight thing” last February, I would be solidly at my goal weight by now. I have had at least three “that’s it, I am done with this!” moments and I keep wondering how many more “Day One.. again”’s I am going to have.

I have tremendous will power and resolve. I have done a 30 day juice fast. I have eaten raw vegan. I have subsisted on all whole foods cooked from scratch.. and I have done many other things that required significant resolve and strength and have succeeded. I graduated with a 4.0 for my post bacc degree while raising three young children alone with very little support and no family and while working grunt jobs on the weekends. Yet I feel like an utter failure because I cannot attain and maintain a weight I desire. I hate this about myself and about our culture in general. I hate that I judge myself, not by my accomplishments or the love I enjoy from the people in my life, but by how much weight I have gained in the last three or four years. It is pitiful and shallow.

But still.. I will embark on yet another weight loss journey and hope that * this time* I will succeed and get to a place I feel happier and more “like me”. I hope that I won’t feel like a better person or a more worthwhile valuable person in doing so, but instead just that I simply feel better. So here goes. Again.